Never Say I Love You
by C.M. Oliver is eastwoodgirl
Summary: "'I love you...' The moment those words came out of my lips,I knew I would pay for that mistake dearly. As he took me forcibly that night,breathing another's name as he ravished me, I knew I would never be anything more than a just a shadow of the woman he loved." PRE-HOGWARTS, POST MARAUDERS ERA, FIRST WAR SS/OC - A must read for Snape fans!    -SEQUEL IS UP!-
1. Chapter 1: Black and Green

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but Alana Blueridge (My very first OC!) Although if Miss Rowling ever decides to give me Severus Snape as an early birthday present, I wouldn't say no to that! XD**

**WARNING: Mentions of RAPE, NON-CON, VIOLENCE, OOC-ness (Told in first person POV)**

**RATING: M for Language, Mature Situations and Sexual Content**

**SETTING: During the First War. A few months before Voldemort's demise.**

**A/N: Before I begin, let me say first that there are a lot of wonderful, great authors out there that I cannot even compare myself to. So thank you for deciding to spend your time reading one of my stories. It is such a great feeling for a neophyte (in posting stories online) that you choose to support my endeavors. I promise to deliver to the best of my abilities. Enjoy!**

**A/N 2: This is my first attempt at writing smut/lemons XD. I don't know if this would qualify as that but this definitely has a plot (whew!) So, not all chapters will contain M-rated content. I will let you know before the beginning of each chapter if there is something to worry about :) I don't usually do OC's but this is just what my crazy shrink ordered (a.k.a. my muse) to cure the writer's block that I am experiencing with my other stories. So dear ladies and gentlemen, I have wasted too much of your time reading this unbelievably long A/N. Without further ado, I present, Chapter One of Never Say I Love You. Read and Enjoy. Reviews are welcomed!**

**Chapter 1: Black and Green**

**01010101010**

(Alana's POV)

My name is Alana Blueridge. In the world that I now live in, pedigree is important. So, let me say first that I am a half-blood. My father, I was told, was a very prominent pureblood; my mother was just one of his many conquests. I was orphaned at the age of seven for my mother had died of heart complications. She never saw my father after their one night of passion until she had died. Neither did I.

I had no other living relatives for my mother was an only child, so were both her parents. She never mentioned my father's name either, not that I was interested to know anyway. I was sent away to an orphanage after her death. It wasn't much to talk about that is, until I began showing signs of magic. I never knew before that it was called that. All the other kids just called me weird. I hated it but I knew deep inside that I was special.

One day, a kindly old couple came in, wanting to adopt. I was eleven then. I shrugged as all the other kids put on their best behavior. I couldn't care any less; nobody would want a weirdo like me.

But to my surprise, old Mrs. Blueridge sat beside me while I painted a picture of tulips. It was one of my true passions, painting. She said that she liked the picture I was sketching. I smiled and thanked her. That day I came home to my new family; that day I willed myself to forget about my weirdness; that day I became Alana Blueridge.

My new father and mother had been childless for so long before they had decided to adopt me. Father ran a small bookshop with mother as his assistant. Together they have nurtured me, loved me and completed my early tragic life. I have never been happier my whole life; that is until that ill-fated day came.

It was the day of my 18th birthday. Mother made my birthday cake and father had closed the shop early to celebrate. As I blew my candles, the front door of our little cottage burst open. Men in black robes and silver masks went in an began wreaking havoc. My kindly old father tried to stop them, but his age already made him too frail to put up a fight. Before I knew it, one of the masked men shot a bright green light from the stick he was holding towards my father; and just like that, he fell down on the floor, his eyes opened in horror, dead. My mother suffered, not a different fate, as soon as she knelt down to check on my father, another masked man shot her with a bright green light. She fell on top of my father's body, hugging him –dead. I stood frozen in my spot. The man, the one who had killed father smirked evilly at me.

"What, muggle, never seen magic?"

Magic? Is that what it was? I could do magic before, I wanted to tell the bastard that but, I was too scared at that moment to even move. I just glared at him. He pointed his stick at me.

"What, don't tell me you aren't scared of me," he snarled. "See this, little girl? This is my wand. I can make you hurt or even –" he glanced at the dead bodies of my parents.

"You bastard!" I yelled and spat on his masked face.

"Why you –" he lowered his wand. "Let me show you how much of a right bastard I am!"

He ripped off his mask and began assaulting me. I did not see his face or the others of those who came with him. I kept my eyes closed as he began ripping into my clothes. At that moment I willed myself to just die right then and there –or at least go numb. I hear those around me, laughing, cheering, taunting. I feel hands, lips, teeth, tongue –all over me. Before that day, I have never even been kissed. I muttered a silent prayer as a tear escaped my shut eyes. And then, I heard him.

"Release her, at once!"

The voice was commanding, firm, but soothing at the same time. The hands that were pinning me down were removed after that order. Still, I kept my eyes closed.

"Aw, come on, Severus, can't we have just a bit of fun?" I recognized the voice as that of the one who had just violated me.

"The Dark Lord does not spare your sorry lives to have fun!" It was the man they had called Severus. "His orders were strict; to get supplies and nothing more!"

"Severus, we **are** getting supplies," another taunting voice said. "Our supply of filthy muggle playthings." A chorus of laughter came.

"Yeah Severus," it was again the man who assaulted me. "Look at this bitch," I assume he was referring to me. "She's almost too good to be a muggle. I'll share her with you after I'm done with her." Laughter came on again. I cringed as I felt somebody approach. I readied myself for the groping and pulling and biting that I was sure would come next upon my being. I heard a couple of footsteps by my side. But nothing came next. There was silence.

"Open your eyes."

There was that firm voice again. A part of me wanted to defy his command, but at that point, it seemed that my body had a mind of its own. I opened my eyes. It was then that I saw him.

I found myself down on the ground, staring into a pale, strong but gentle face. I thought he couldn't be more than a few years older than me. The man had inky black hair that nearly reached his shoulders. His pale lips were drawn into a thin line, his nose prominent, his eyes were like the starless evening sky; it's almost as it I can see my own emerald eyes mirrored in them. The moment I stared into those eyes, I was drawn; I began having flashes of memories in my head –the death of my real mother, my life at the orphanage, my first sign of "weirdness" at seven, the day I was adopted, my first crush, my first heartbreak…

And then it stopped. I was once again staring into the man's seemingly fathomless eyes. He seemed troubled at what transpired. He moved away and turned his back on me.

"That is because," he spoke, addressing those who were present. "She is no muggle." He moved towards the doorway as the others parted in his wake. Surprised gasps rand all around.

"But –but –" It was the man who assaulted me, I saw now that he had a rounded face and straw colored hair. He was staring at me like I had grown an extra head or something. I quickly slipped my tattered shirt back on.

"But what, Avery?" the man with the black hair and the black eyes looked back. "Not smart enough to notice your own kind?"

"I did not know Severus, I swear!" The man called Avery pleaded. "This –this a muggle neighborhood and –"

"Clearly, you were not using your head! All of you!" The man called Severus spat out.

"But Severus, still, we cannot just let her go, that's not how we work! Muggle or not! She already knows of our identity. What if she goes to the Ministry?" Another man, this time with red hair asked. A number of others murmured their agreement. I held my breath as black eyes met my green ones. I sent him a silent prayer, a plea.

"Take her with us, but do not touch her. Let the Dark Lord decide on what to do with her/" He then turned his back, said no more and left.

**01010101010**

**A/N: Tell me if it's any good. I would really appreciate knowing since I don't usually do these types of things :) Until next time! – Eastwoodgirl**


	2. Chapter 2: Comparisons

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: What can I say? I'm a sucker for green eyes. Of course, Alana had to have green eyes. Her hair color? You'll know soon enough :) Thanks to everyone who has read and enjoyed the first chapter. This next chapter was written January 9, 2012, Severus's Birthday. And yes, I'm staring at his face right there on my laptop wall paper, scribbling away in my notebook. Anyway, enough of that, here you go, enjoy! **

**Chapter 2: Comparisons**

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(Severus' POV)

I watched them drag her out of the small cottage, manhandling her. The girl was a mess. I have walked in on her as Avery tried to assault her frail-looking body. I do not know what moved me to interrupt them; on any given day, I would've just let them do it, although I never take part in such frivolities. But as soon as I approached her and asked her to open her eyes, I immediately saw reason. Those haunting green eyes radiated of innocence and helplessness –very much unlike the fiery passion that I was used to seeing in the only other pair of emerald orbs that I had the privilege of staring into –Lily's. I have lost her forever that day back in fifth year. I have pushed her away into the arms of the man I hated probably more than my father - James Potter. They now have a son who was around a year old. A son that should have been mine and Lily's. The thought still stung like a freshly open wound.

But these eyes were far different –they were haunting, and yet, unadulterated –like this girl has seen too much of life and still, she remained oblivious to the harsh realities. From where I stood, I stared down at them, ignoring her half-naked body, her messed up raven hair, her full red, trembling lips. The eyes I saw were afraid but seemingly indifferent. She was a complete paradox.

She held her breath and sent me a plea –to spare her life, to spare her dignity. For some reason, I came across the nagging feeling to just stun my fellow Death Eaters, grab her hand, and escape with her. But I shook my head mentally. My priorities were far more important. The moment I had sentenced her fate into the arms of the Dark Lord, whatever life those eyes had left immediately vanished. I regretted my decision but it was what I had to do.

I led my band of junior Death Eaters into the Dark Lord's throne room. I knelt before the man, not out of respect, but out of fear. Yes, I was a Death Eater but that doesn't mean I readily believe and accept his ideals. I had joined because of power; I had joined to belong.

A faint hiss asked me to rise from my almost prone position on the floor.

"What news do you bring me, Severus?" The Dark Lord asked. I collected my thoughts for a couple of seconds before I spoke.

"We have cleared out the muggle village of East Riverton. Our supplies are secured." I said with a curt bow, trying not to look at the dark wizard in the eye; not that it was that difficult, as those fearsome red eyes stared past me –right behind me,

"What is this that you have brought me, Severus, a gift?" the Dark Lord asked, seemingly amused.

"My Lord," I turned to follow the Dark Lord's gaze. It landed on a struggling girl with tears in her eyes. Upon seeing me look, she spoke the first word I heard from her lips.

"Please."

She said no more but I knew that was directed at me. I avoided her eyes.

"My Lord, Avery and the others found her. They have murdered her muggle parents –"

"A muggle then? I have no use for such filth! Dispose of her!"

"No, please!" There was that pleading voice again. I knew that if I turned my head towards where that voice was coming from that my resolve would cave in. I addressed the Dark Lord instead.

"My Lord, if I may,"

"What is it, Severus?"

"Those muggles were not her real parents. I have searched her mind and found her memories. She is magical; untrained, yes, but magical nonetheless.

The Dark Lord's eyes shone.

"Of course, she is much too attractive to be a muggle," the red-eyed man said, lust evident in his voice, "A pureblood then?"

I sighed inwardly before carefully choosing my next words.

"Her mother was a muggle my Lord, she died of a weak heart."

The Dark Lord frowned a little.

"a half-blood? That is not good enough for me." The dark wizard looked at the girl from behind me and then at me.

"You're a half-blood, aren't you, Severus?" I bowed my head.

"Yes, my Lord," I said quietly. "But I detest and loathe my filthy muggle lineage."

The Dark Lord thought for a moment.

"I will release her into your custosy."

"My, Lord?" Did I just hear him right? The Dark Lord must have sensed my confusion. He seemed amused.

"I may be considered evil, Severus, but I am not one to waste any drop of magical blood that could be saved." He walked past by me. "I assume that you will find many uses for her. After all, she has those beautiful brilliant eyes you **love so much**…"

I felt my body go stiff at those words. Surely, the Dark Lord wasn't suggesting what I thought he did? I closed my eyes briefly as I remembered the girl, no, the woman the Dark Lord was alluding to –Lily, my sweet Lily; she with the fiery hair and brilliant eyes. I opened my own and stared at the only pair of green eyes present in that room –she with the raven hair and lackluster irises. There was no comparison. She wasn't Lily. Her eyes were green like Lily's alright, but she did not have that spark, that life, that determination I had so much admired. I addressed the Dark Lord once more.

"I hate to disagree my Lord, but I certainly would not have **any** use for her."

"Oh, is that so?" The Dark Lord looked at me. His eyebrows raised/ "Certainly, a half-blood would be far more, shall we say, **interesting**, than a mud –" He then stopped. He shifted his attention to the other Death Eaters in the room.

"Avery, Nott," the Dark Lord smirked. "Take her and quickly dispose of her **after** you are done."

Avery smiled evilly and nodded at Nott. They began to drag the girl away and out of the throne room. I looked away.

"Please, no!"

My heart stopped beating. I chanced a glance behind me hoping, not to see a glimpse of those haunting eyes –but, catch a glimpse, I did. I turned back to the Dark Lord.

"Perhaps, my Lord, I can make her a –servant…"

The Dark Lord actually smiled at me after I said that.

**01010101010**

**A/N: Sorry if it seems to be too short. I'm still trying to establish the right pacing that would work for this story. For those of you wondering where the M-rated content is, the answer is: in the later chapters. As this has a plot, I'm still trying to establish it before I go to that part. So, is it any good? Tell me what you think! - Eastwoodgirl**


	3. Chapter 3: Introductions

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: No, Alana isn't a female Harry Potter sent back in time from another dimension. Although that would make a good story line, sadly that is not the case. I can't do a female Harry justice no matter how I try XD. They just share the same hair and eye color… or do they (wink)? And again, sorry about the short chapters. I'm trying to get these out as fast as I can while working around three ongoing stories. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy. Reviews are love!**

**Chapter 3: Introductions**

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(Alana's POV)

"Please, no!" I screamed as two men dragged me out of the room. The man with black hair, the one they call Severus, had his back against me. If only I could make him take me instead of these two hungry wolves who I knew wanted to devour me.

For some reason, I knew I would die anyway, but I also knew that I'd be much safer if I was with him instead.

He eventually turned around and caught my eye. I did not speak, but I hoped that I delivered my message across.

I did.

He had become my savior.

He approached me, not once looking directly at me after I made my plea. The two who held me had a look of utter disappointment on their faces as they released me. I had expected my dark-haired savior to grab a hold of me and drag me away.

To my surprise, he didn't.

"Follow me," he said in that cool baritone as he turned his back against me. I wasn't restrained, magically or otherwise; I could have ran off and made my escape. But something in his voice told me not to. Maybe he did not restrain me because there would be no need to. He had that commanding presence that you'd never want to question nor defy.

We stopped at the end of a dark, narrow hallway. He opened a door to our right and stepped inside. It was a plain-looking room with absolutely nothing in it.

"Grab my hand," he spoke once more, extending his left arm behind him. He never even looked at me. I sighed and warily reached for the proffered hand. When I had placed my fingers in his hard palm, he firmly grasped it and pulled me towards him. Not expecting it, I lost my balance and fell on his back.

"Sorry," I muttered hastily as I began to distance myself away from him; he acted as if nothing happened. Instead, he turned around.

"Close your eyes."

"Even before I could, he had his arms around me –and the world began to dissolve in a blur of colors. It felt like I was being pushed through a narrow tube. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, afraid that I was going to fall. I tried to open my eyes to see what was happening. To my surprise, when I opened them, we were no longer in the same room. In fact, we weren't in a room at all.

I found myself standing next to him in the middle of a meadow. But before I could even ask him where we were, he began walking away. He took long, powerful strides, as if in a hurry to get to somewhere, his weird cloak billowing around him as he moved. I hastily followed him, not wanting to be left alone in a foreign area.

We traversed that meadow for what felt like an hour; never once did he look back at me to see how I was faring or if I was still there –as if he did not care. He only acknowledged my presence when we approached what looked like a modestly-sized cottage from a distance. As we neared it, he stopped walking, allowing me to catch my breath. I took a glance at him. He seemed to be wary of proceeding. After about five minutes of rest, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the house. As I neared the border, I felt a tingly sensation course through my body, like I was being scanned. AS soon as we had reached the front door, the feeling ceased. He released my hand.

"You are now keyed in to my wards."

I looked at him, unsure of what to say in reply; not that he ever gave me a chance, for he was already opening the door and stepping inside. Without a word, I followed him. Once we were both inside, he brandished his stick –wand, and the door locked without him touching it. I stared.

"I take it that you do not know of your heritage."

I assumed he was talking about magic. I nodded.

"Very well," he took a glance at me. He finally did.

"As what the Dark Lord was told, I shall be housing you –for an indefinite period of time. Be thankful that he spared your life due to your magical blood."

I looked down at my feet. I did not know what to say… be thankful that they did not kill me? I bit my lip. He continued on.

"You shall earn your keep in my house. Since you are not trained, I shall not ask you to assist me in my trade as a potions maker –that is a profession that requires skill and precision; perhaps later on when I have already managed to school you on the fundamentals." He eyed me as if daring me to object. I kept quiet. He sighed.

"You shall clean, cook and do any other sundry tasks around the house… I trust that you know how?"

I nodded.

"As such is our arrangement, you shall address me as you –master…" he paused. I looked up to see where he had gone. To my surprise, he was already standing right in front of me. His eyes met mine.

"Do –I make myself… clear?" He asked, carefully pausing after each and every word.

I nodded ever so slightly.

"Answer." I winced at his cold tone.

"Y-yes…"

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, master," I had managed to choke out. He stepped away from me.

"The cottage has three rooms, " he began pacing. "Apart from the sitting room, the kitchen, and the study. The hall to your left leads to the kitchen and the dining area. Straight ahead you will find the study and a room converted to a personal laboratory; To your right is to the bedrooms. The door towards the end of that hallway is the common bathroom. To the left of that is my room, and the one right across is shall be your quarters. Under no circumstances shall you enter my laboratory or my room without express permission from me. Breakfast should be ready at 7 in the morning, lunch at 1 in the afternoon and dinner at 8 in the evening. If by any chance, I should not be around for them on the said times, no need to wait for me to start. You shall not leave the premises no matter what. You are allowed to go through the back door, to the rose garden but not beyond. The herb garden is off-limits. The front door will be permanently locked except when I leave so don't even try to escape."

"I won't, master." I looked him in the eye. He just stopped pacing and stared. I continued.

"You have saved my life and for that I am grateful," I said quietly. He raised his eyebrows.

"I did no such thing." He said in his steely tone. "Do not thank me. Not until you have an idea of what you shall be asked to do…" his voice trailed off, however, he did not raise the issue further, I swallowed. He resumed his pacing.

"Seeing as it is almost midnight, you may take you rest. You can use the bathroom to clean up." He eyed my ripped clothes; I suddenly felt embarrassed. He then motioned for me to follow him down the hallway to the right. I walked slowly, thinking how my life had been changed in one night; I remembered my childhood, my mother, my days in that orphanage… my thoughts went to my adoptive parents, murdered right before my very eyes. I wasn't able to hold back the sob that escaped my lips.

"I am sorry about your parents."

I looked at my, now, master with widened eyes.

"Thank you, master, they were good people."

We stopped in the middle of two doors facing each other.

"If I'm not mistaken, there is a spare nightshirt in the drawers in the room you will be occupying. You can use them in the mean time. I shall endeavor to fetch some of you things for you in the morning.

"Wi-will you see to –to my parents, then?" I stammered. He just looked at me blankly. I lowered my head. I guess I spoke way too forward. But to my surprise, he did reply with a softer tone.

"You will not see them again. It will be best for you to remember them as when they were living –I will make sure they are sent off decently." He turned towards his bedroom door. "Rest well –"

"Alana, my name is Alana Blueridge." I offered. He looked back at me with an unreadable expression on his face. He looked like he had wanted to say something but decided against it. He pushed his bedroom door open. It creaked. Then…

"Severus, Severus Snape," my master said, his back still against me. My heart lightened for some strange reason.

"Rest well, Master Severus," I bowed and let myself in the room I was to use without waiting for a reply.

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**A/N: How is it so far? Please let me know. Thanks - Eastwoodgirl**


	4. Chapter 4: The Encounter

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: I've got nothing to say but enjoy!**

**Chapter 4: The Encounter**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I heard the doors across the hallway close. I sighed. I still don't know what to think of my situation. My family was murdered, I was almost violated, a man came to save me and now, I was to be his personal slave. I bit my lips as I recalled his words:

"_Do not thank me. Not until you have an idea of what you shall be asked to do…"_

Did I just escape a wretched fate and just hop onto another?

I move towards the drawer by the door and opened it. I found a thin nightshirt that had seen the laundry one too many times. I wonder who it belonged to. My master seemed to be to young to own such an old piece of clothing. I held the garment up against my body –it reached down the middle of my thighs and barely covered me but, it would have to do/ I opened my bedroom door and tiptoed down the hall towards the bathroom –I did not want to wake up my master just in case he was already sleeping. I entered the bathroom door, closed it and headed to the modest bath tub right in the middle of the tiled space. I took off what was left of my torn shirt and slipped the waistband of my jeans down, trying hard not to remember my ordeal earlier that night. I removed the rest of my undergarments and stepped under the shower.

I turned the water on hot –the hottest that I could take and began to scrub furiously, trying to wash whatever invisible dirt that has clung to me. I scrubbed until my skin was red and sore, and the hot water felt like acid against it. It was in that state that I had decided to let it all out.

I cried.

I cried for myself, my mother, my adoptive parents, for the life I have lived and the unknown future that I am now facing.

I cried until my tears ran dry.

It must've taken me hours; my skin was already soaked and my fingers, puckered. I sighed heavily as I turned the water off. I dried my aching body off a soft terry cloth I found hanging behind the bathroom door. I wrapped the towel around my body and gently opened the door. I was hoping to make it to my room to change into the shirt I had left there.

But I didn't.

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(Severus' POV)

I looked on after she had closed the door.

Alana. Her name rolled off my tongue like butter. I sighed as I stepped inside my room and closed the door; the events of that night still hasn't sunk in: from a regular, one-of-those-nights Death Eater raids, I had now landed myself a reluctant housemate.

Servant. I corrected myself. I do not know why I was doing it anyway… maybe I just felt sorry for her; her childhood memories definitely mirrored mine. Although I wasn't a complete orphan then, I too, had been taunted for being different. My father too had abandoned me; I too, lost a love.

Or maybe it is because I feel sorry for myself. Every time I see her eyes, I don't know… yes, it bothers me, but in a twisted way, I get comforted as well.

I removed my robes and pants. I laid down on my bed with nothing but my boxers on and stared at the ceiling.

Alana. How could she just trust me so readily, so easily? I remember her pleading look, her submissive tone, her words of gratitude… does she not know what kind of a man I am?

I was about to close my eyes when I heard the water running in the bathroom next door. Afterwards, I heard crying. I was just going to ignore it and go to sleep, but something –some force –pulled me out of bed, made me slip my robe on rather hastily and storm out of my bedroom, barefoot. My feet carried me just right outside the closed bathroom door. Now, I wasn't one to listen in on people –but my mind justified the act; I had to make sure that she was okay; she was my –servant… I had to make sure she is cared for. If not, what kind of master would that make me?

I had half a mind to knock on the door to check on her but I had decided against it. My mind told me that she just probably needed to let it all out.

So I just stood there, barefoot, listening to the drops of water hitting the tiled floor, intermittent with her heavy sobs and frustrated grunts. I almost broke my heart –whatever heart I had left.

Almost.

Then it stopped.

In my mind I thought that she must be done with her use of the shower; but some insane part of me said otherwise. I remembered her ordeal earlier; she had just lost so much in one day; could it have been to much for her that she already craved release from her mortal shell? Something… could she have done something to herself?

I tried to brush away the thought but my hand was acting on its own. I grabbed the door handle and was about to give it a gentle push when, all of a sudden, the same, inverse movements happened from the other side of the door. It suddenly burst open, hitting me squarely in the chest.

There she was, her eyes registered shock upon seeing me and quickly, she bowed her head. I couldn't move. I was caught… I had a noble purpose of being there but I was still caught nonetheless. I felt like a wayward child caught after curfew. I cleared my throat, thinking of a way to salvage the situation, thinking of what to say. But she beat me to it.

"I –I apologize, Master Severus, if –if I was too long," Alana said meekly, her hands tightly grasping the towel around her body, It was only then that I had realized.

She was standing in front of me wearing nothing but my large towel wrapped around her body.

Just the towel.

Nothing else.

Good Merlin.

I fought hard with my emotions as I tried to seem uninterested, but my eyes would not cooperate with me. I stepped back and took a glance at her. Her raven hair was dripping wet, droplets of water formed around her hairline. Her eyes were slightly puffed, her delicate nose reddened, her plump red lips, moist due to the warm water I assumed she had used. I felt a nervous tingle down my groin as my eyes traveled past her slightly opened mouth. I followed the seemingly unending expanse of her creamy, rosy skin; from her delicate swan-like neck, down her rounded shoulders and her frail-looking arms. Where she was covered with white towel, I just let my imagination work. The rough cloth hugged her curves ever so tightly that I didn't have much of a problem. I swallowed hard. Good thing I threw a robe on before heading on out here or my boxers alone would have betrayed my growing arousal.

She must've noticed that I was ravishing her with my eyes though; she continuously held the towel tighter and tighter around her as every second passed. But it was of no use. I had already seen enough.

"I –I guess, I –I'll go change then,: she excused herself and inched her body away and around me. The logical part of my head told me to just let her go, let her put clothes on and rest for the night. But then again, my body had it's own way of defying me.

Before she could even slip past me, I blocked her way with an extended arm.

"Where do you think your going?" I heard myself whisper. Alana looked at me, surprise evident in her emerald eyes.

"M-master?" she trembled as she spoke. The surprise in her eyes quickly turned into fear.

That should have been my cue to let her pass through.

But I didn't.

**010101010**

**A/N: Things are starting to get… hmm… you insert your own adjective here. I hope you continue to support this story. Until next time! -Eastwoodgirl**


	5. Chapter 5: Hot and Cold

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Fifth and last chapter for today's update :) Enjoy!**

**Chapter 5: Hot and Cold**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

"Where do you think you're going?" he breathed huskily, putting an arm out, effectively blocking my path to the confines of my room. My eyes shot up.

"M-master?" I mumbled nervously as I had the towel I had on, tighter around me. I had been most embarrassed for him to have walked in on me in that state; I was practically naked. But that dangerous glare he was giving me and the feral tone of his voice, quickly changed that embarrassment to fear. I stood frozen in my spot as he began to circle me with hawk-like eyes.

I shut my eyes, waiting for his assault, the rough touches, the violating moves.

But it never came.

Instead. I felt hot breath on the back of my neck as gentle hands swept my damp hair aside. Then, feather-light kisses began tracing the length of my nape, down the crevice between my neck and exposed shoulder. IN my mind I had wanted to push him away and run as far away as possible in the opposite direction, but my physical body said otherwise.

The soft lips began making their way towards the back of my ear, lightly nibbling the lobes. A soft moan betrayed my lips at the relatively new sensation it left me.

Then suddenly, I felt a moist roughness teasing the tip of my ear –his tongue, tasting –and now, sucking that tender part ever so gently.

My knees began to shake as wetness started to pool between my legs with my master's expert ministrations. Good thing he chose to wrap his strong and lean arms around me at that moment or I might've melted into a puddle on the floor. I felt my back held tight against his chest; he was breathing rather heavily as I was.

"Alana…" I heard him whisper breathily against my ear. His voice was no longer cool and firm; it was filled with desire and want; it made my legs tremble and sent shivers down my spine. I swallowed.

"M-master?" I moaned with much difficulty as I was still reeling in from the sensations his voice was awakening in me.

"Tell me… have you ever… been with a man?"

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

"Tell me… have you ever… been with a man?"

I felt her delicate frame stiffen at those words. She hasn't been with any man. Merlin, she may not have even seen yet a man. I resumed kissing the back of her neck, sucking, licking, nipping, tasting –until I felt her melt in my arms again. Then, I gently turned her around to face me. I wasn't surprised to see her eyes closed. I gently pressed my lips against her closed lids.

"Open you eyes," I commanded her. I needed to see those emerald eyes –Lily's eyes.

All my fantasies shattered though, the moment she gazed up at me. I saw past her green orbs; to her face, her hair, the blind lust I was feeling –she wasn't Lily. She wasn't the woman I've loved and always will. I immediately let her go and pushed her away from me; the realization woke me up from my lust-filled trance. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to shake off the rest of the heated desire that I had left in my body. I felt the desire in my body, surely, but I could not bring myself to go on with just that. My heart and mind belonged to only one. This was a really bad idea, taking this girl with me. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. When I opened my eyes, Alana was gone. She must've slipped back into her room when I had my eyes closed. I sighed heavily as I tried not to think of her; how her body responded to my every move. My own body screamed for me to follow her –but my mind won this time. I entered the bathroom she had vacated earlier and turned on the cold water of the shower –the coldest I could take and slipped under it with my robes still on.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

The moment I had opened my eyes, I knew that the spell had been broken. Every time my master would stare into them, something… changes about his demeanor, I've noticed. So I was not in the least a bit surprised when he had pushed me away. Sure, it felt like I had been doused by a bucket of ice-cold water, but I was thankful for the distraction nonetheless. I quickly slipped back into my room, my heart still pounding from the encounter and locked the door behind me. When I was already in, I let out a deep breath.

No, I've never been with a man. I've never even seen or known what a man could do. And yes, I was saving myself.

I bit my lip, remembering how my master's touches and kisses felt like. If he had gone any further, I might have caved in. I would've given in. I wanted to kick myself for allowing him to touch me. But I mentally shook my head and reminded myself of the situation; I was his servant –his slave. I would not have any say in the matter if he chooses to claim my innocence… he practically owns me, my life. The thought frustrated me. Why does this have to happen?

I collected my thoughts as I unwrapped the towel that was covering me and slipped into the faded nightshirt that I had left earlier on the bed.

I would just have to avoid getting caught in a compromising position. I would just have to avoid getting caught with him.

I knew in my heart that it was to be a fruitless battle. But I had to try for the sake of my dignity.

I hung the damp towel on the back of the door. MY thoughts drifted back to my earlier encounter just a few minutes ago. A traitorous blush crept along my cheeks as my mind and my body rebelliously relived each and every sensation I felt.

I cursed inwardly. I'm all messed up. I should not be thinking in such a manner. I was brought up with self-respect.

I laid down on the bed on my side and closed my eyes; Eventually, I must have drifted off to sleep. But until then, I realized that I never heard the door across the hall open and close.

**010101010**

**A/N: Again, my profuse apologies for the micro-chapters. Please let me know if you have any comments, suggestions or violent reactions. Thank you. :) –Eastwoodgirl.**


	6. Chapter 6: Breakfast

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Yay! Longer Chapter! I hope you enjoy. Remember, reviews are like chicken soup for my soul.**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I did not know what time I slept, but I knew I woke up not too long after. The sun was just beginning to rise. I got out of bed and got the towel I left by the door last night. I wrapped it around my waist to cover up what the nightshirt didn't. I gently opened the door, not wanting to make a sound; not wanting to make a repeat of last night. I needed to get my tattered clothes cleaned and fixed until I could get something else to wear. I was about to retrieve them from the bathroom when I noticed a woven basket outside my door. It was my clothes –clean, mended, good as new. I knew it was only because of magic that they were now usable again. I would have to thank Master Severus for them.

I quickly shut the door after picking it up and began changing into my clothes –including my underwear. I blushed, realizing what it had implied.

I hastily slipped on my bra and white cotton undies, trying not to think about that embarrassing scenario in my head. I pulled on my snug-fitting denim jeans and buttoned up my white sleeveless shirt next. I tamed and untangled my waist-long hair with the brush I found in the basket together with my clothes. I also found mother-of-pearl, crystal encrusted barrettes –I thought they were pretty –and used it to pin my hair onto one side. Out of habit, I checked myself out in the mirror by the dresser on my way out; I still look like me but I can tell something's changed. I just can't put my finger into it. I made my way to the kitchen on the opposite side of the house. I passed by an antique-looking clock. It was only half-past five. I still have plenty of time to prepare breakfast for my master.

Master Severus.

A strange feeling came across my insides as I thought about him. I shouldn't be feeling this way about him. Yes, I trusted him to a certain degree but still –still he was practically a stranger. Did I just find myself … liking him now?

I found eggs on the counter top and I was about to get milk when I've realized that there was no refrigerator. I thought it was odd; but then again, there was magic, I reminded myself. Anything was possible. My suspicions were confirmed later on when I found cold milk in one of the cabinets that apparently worked like a chiller. I decided to make pancakes, poach eggs and fry bacon. A bin near the back door had an enormous amount of strawberries –I decided to make it into compote to go with the pancakes. The sun was already up when I had finished. I just set the kettle to boil stop the old-fashioned stove, which thankfully, I figured out how to work, when I heard what I had assumed was the front door, open and close, and then footsteps.

"M-master Severus," I bowed my head as the man entered the kitchen. When he said nothing, I looked up and took in his appearance. Yesterday, I came into a conclusion that wizards and witches dressed up in a certain way –in various styles of tent-like robes. But seeing him now gave me a new perspective.

He was wearing a plain black, normal-looking, round-necked sweatshirt that fitted him nicely. He had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows-it was the first time I saw a weird tattoo covering his inner left forearm...I thought it odd but I did not mind it further; Black went well with his lightly-tanned complexion. He paired the said shirt with straight-cut, khaki colored slacks and with it, he also wore a black patent leather pair of Oxfords. The effect made him look years younger, I'd say about twenty or twenty-two. I must have been staring at him for quite some time when I heard him clear his throat and folded his arms across his chest. I quickly looked down again. Just then, the kettle let out a shrill whistle. I turned my back against him and began to lift the hot container, when all of a sudden, I felt him right behind me. I held my breath as he took over the hot kettle and set it down the counter.

"Sit." He simply said, gesturing towards the table where I have laid the breakfast I have prepared. He then took out his wand and pointed it at a couple of tea cups. I stared, wide-eyed as he levitated two steaming cups of tea onto the table. If he noticed the astonished look that I had on, he must've deliberately ignored it. He then sat down on the head of the rectangular table across from me and began to load his plate with food. I watched him discreetly as he took a bite of the pancakes I had made from scratch and chewed for about a minute before swallowing. It made me conclude that Severus Snape must be a patient man. As he took the second bite, I waited for any kind of reaction, good or bad; I held my breath as he closed his eyes before swallowing the second bite and exhaled when he gave a soft moan. That was probably the closest that I could get to a reaction. I was dealing with a man of few words.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a loud clatter: A spoon falling on the floor to be exact. I looked up from my seat to see my master spitting on his table napkin.

"Is –is there anything –wrong, Master Severus?" I asked nervously. I was a passable cook. I'm no master chef but surely, I food that I had made couldn't be that bad?

He looked at me with what I thought was a piercing glare.

"The compote –salt. You used salt instead of sugar/"

I blanched in my seat. I grabbed a spoon and gingerly took a small helping of the strawberries. My face curled up in disgust and I immediately gulped down a glass of water.

"For-forgive me, master," I had wanted to cry out of embarrassment; out of fear for whatever punishment I would get. I bit my lip hard until I had already drawn blood. I closed my eyes, trying to stop tears from falling. I heard the scraping of wood against wood… and then footsteps, approaching.

I felt warm, gentle hands, tilting my head up. I dared to open my eyes. My master stared right back at me with an unrecognizable look on his face –as if he had wanted nothing to do with me, and yet he was still concerned. A single tear drop fell as our eyes met. He leaned over the table and stooped until his face was level with mine. Then, he used the back of his hand to wipe the tears now staining my cheeks. He then let his thumb brush lightly against my cut lip.

"I –I apologize, master…" I whispered as he stood back and moved away from me.

"You shall not cry over something as frivolous as that." He said rather stiffly as he sat back down in his chair. "Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes –yes, master" I said looking at him expectantly.

"What are you looking at?" he spat out irritably.

"I –I was waiting for my p-punishment…"

He looked surprised at what I had said but he quickly recovered himself.

"I shall not dish out punishment for something as trivial as that." He said curtly, taking a sip of tea. I sensed the finality in his words.

"Th-thank you, master." I heaved a sigh of relief. He continued.

"I have managed to gather –things for you from your former home. They are right outside your bedroom door."

I frowned in confusion. It was just about quarter past seven. Surely, he wasn't up and about that early? I nodded my assent.

"Thank you, master" I breathed. "If I may ask as well about –"

"Your parents," he caught on my last sentence. "-Are taken cared of. I personally saw to them." He looked at me directly as he spoke. Again, there was that sense of finality in his voice. I spoke no more. My master then stood up.

"I shall be away for the day and will not be joining you for lunch of dinner." He turned his back on me and walked towards the hallway. "You need not wait for me."

"Yes, master," I bowed my head.

"Alana?"

I looked up.

"The pancakes were delicious."

I did not notice a smile, my first smile since last night's events cross my lips as he left.

**01010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I was not able to sleep after that cold shower I took. I decided might as well be productive and see to Alana's requirements. I turned the water off and, seeing that the girl had already used my towel, I took a spare one from the drawer beside the sink and dried myself with it. I wrapped the towel around my waist and was about to step out of the bathroom when I had noticed what I first thought were rags on the tiled floor. I leaned over to pick it up. They weren't rags. They were women's clothing. Alana's. I carefully placed them in a woven basket and carried them with me to my room. I then grabbed my wand and repaired and cleaned them the best that I could. I dressed up in discreet muggle clothing next and afterwards stepped out of my room. I placed the basket by her door.

I went through the front door and locked it behind me; She seemed submissive and trusting enough but I wasn't going to take any chances. And besides, more danger could come to her if she did try and manage to escape. Her stay with me was the only thing keeping her alive. If the Dark Lord found out that I let her escape, he would instantly kill her… and then me. ON second thought, he might allow Avery and Nott to molest her first before killing her. I can't allow that to happen. I shook my head. Why and when did I start caring for her anyway?

She is my servant. Nothing more. I kept on telling myself.

I went back inside that small cottage on the edge of East Riverton. That was the only time that I had the chance to see the full scope of last night's events. Broken glass, torn pages and the like were strewn everywhere. Everything was in disarray. In the sitting room, bodies of an elderly couple lay on top of each other. Alana's parents. I shall deal with them later. I took a left down the hall in search of her room. After two mistakes, the third door I opened went to a room with pale green walls and crisp white beddings. It looked inviting and relaxing. I summoned her clothes and directed them to a bottomless overnight bag I had procured for the purpose. I shrunk it and placed the bag inside the pocket of my pants. On my way out, I chanced upon something that caught my interest.

On one corner of the modest space, an easel stood with a lovely painting of tulips. Around it were numerous art materials. I sighed. The girl must love painting, I thought. Without thinking further, I summoned them into another bottomless bag and shrunk that package as well.

After taking care of Alana's things I stepped out of the room and out of the cottage. I quickly cast a disillusionment charm and "Incendioed' the whole thing. The charm would be automatically lifted once the whole place was burned down. I also cast a containment spell so that the fire would not spread out. Sometime later in the day, people would see nothing but ash on the site. I apparated home. The whole thing took me longer that I had expected. The sun was already up when I returned home. I immediately deposited my packages outside Alana's room and made my way towards the kitchen where I was accosted by an inviting smell and an equally inviting sight.

There she was, with her long raven hair, attractively parted and pinned on one side with the barrette I left in the basket for her, dressed in the same clothes I had earlier found and mended. Her white button down sleeveless shirt made her look even more radiant and her denim jeans hugged her curves in all the right places. I moved in closer before I could stop myself. She had her back against me. I reached for the kettle and breathed in. For some reason, she smelled vaguely of vanilla and strawberries. I asked her to take a seat as I used magic to prepare us tea. I did not miss the wonder in her eyes as I levitated the cup onto the table. I must teach her magic soon.

I sat myself across the table from her. I was ravenous from my early morning escapade so I eagerly began eating. I was right. The pancakes were heavenly. I knew right from the first bite. I chewed forever, wanting the taste to linger in my mouth. I closed my eyes after the second bite. I was hooked. I glanced at the young woman in front of me, wanting to praise her cooking, but no words came out of my mouth –nothing but a soft, low, barely audible moan. I looked over to my companion to see if she noticed it but her head was bowed down. Shrugging, I next gamely tried the strawberry compote –I immediately spat it out.

That got her attention.

Her face reddened and tears welled up in her eyes when I told her of the mistake she had made with the salt. All of a sudden, I had wanted to comfort her. The next thing I knew my face was level with hers and I was brushing her tears away. I was losing it. I need to get a hold of myself.

With forced stiffness, I told her of my plans for that day. I watched as she nodded her acceptance of my instructions. I almost made it out the house without making a fool of myself in front of her.

And then I praised her cooking.

"Alana?"

"Y-yes master?"

"The pancakes were delicious." I said quietly. Before I left, I swear, I saw a faint smile cross her full, red lips.

Merlin.

**010101010**

**A/N: There you go. Longer! Thanks to everyone who has read and appreciated this so far. For those of you who are wondering where the M-rated content went to, fret no more. THE NEXT CHAPTER SHALL DELIVER! :) Please feel free to tell me what you think. Honest constructive criticisms never killed anyone, so bring 'em on! Until next time - Eastwoodgirl**


	7. Chapter 7: Innocence Lost

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: I hope that Sev isn't too OOC for your tastes. It's kind of hard to write him pre-Hogwarts (before Lily died and the whole brouhaha happened). As was pointed out to me by one of my readers, only a few stories are published that deal with this specific time frame. With that being said, I am only going about with the little information that is available. The rest, I'm invoking my creative license. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**WARNING: Mature content ahead. Read at your own discretion.**

**Chapter 7: Innocence Lost**

**01010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I cleaned up right after Master Severus left. I decided to get rid of the clutter and dust all around his house; I stayed away from his lab and his private chambers.

I finished at around four in the afternoon. I was exhausted, filthy and I needed a shower. I went to my room and rummaged through two overnight bags –my things. I thought my master only took a few pieces of my clothes. Imagine my surprise when I opened one bag and found my whole wardrobe in it! It must be some kind of magically expanded luggage. I checked the other bag too; my heart leapt upon seeing my art supplies. I really have to thank Master Severus for his thoughtfulness when he gets back.

I found my favorite red long-sleeved shirt and a pair of black denim pants. I then, grabbed my toiletries and headed for the bathroom.

I decided to go for a long soak in the tub. I poured a generous amount of vanilla-orange scented bubble bath in the tub of warm water. I sat in and closed my eyes. I enjoyed my soak so much that I didn't notice the time. After I dressed, I checked the clock on my way to the kitchen. It was already seven in the evening. I knew my master told me otherwise, but I still prepared dinner for him just I case.

After about thirty minutes, I had managed to whip up a pasta dish. I knew that I shouldn't expect but, I still hoped that Master Severus would be home early to share it with me. Thirty more minutes passed. Still, no sign of him. I lost my appetite, having to eat dinner alone; my parents and I always ate dinner together no matter what. A slight pang of hurt crossed my heart as I remembered them.

I decided to just keep everything in the cupboard and save it for tomorrow. Instead, I decided to make tea. When I had finished it, that was when I had heard a loud bang by the front door. It was past ten in the evening.

My master had arrived.

When I saw him, he was a mess; his hair was disheveled, his robes, which he put over his normal clothes were askew. His face was flushed, his eyes, red. He reeked of sweat, a bit of blood and alcohol. He seemed unsteady so I met him by the doorway. I was right. The moment I reached him, he fell onto me and we both hit the sofa. He was heavy, drunk and half-conscious.

"Master, are you alright?" Of course I knew that he wasn't. But I had to ask just to be polite. He was always cool, calm and collected from when I've first seen him. This –wasted side of him was hard to get used to. I've only known him for two days though, so I really can't tell. I tried to push him off of me: One, because he was cutting off my air, and two, I needed to close the front door which was still wide open.

"Master Severus, please," I tried to call his attention again to make him budge at least but he didn't move. I knew he was awake but his eyes remained closed. I sighed heavily as I pushed him harder. He fell off of me and off the sofa.

"What the –" My master exclaimed as his eyes opened upon hitting the hardwood floor. He seemed a bit disoriented. He ran his eyes all over the place several times before shaking his head.

"What the heck happened?" he shouted angrily as he tried to stand up and failed miserably. I had already recovered myself from the sofa by that time. I offered him my hand to help him stand up.

"Master, please let me help you," I told him as I gently touched his shoulder. Red, angry eyes met mine.

"You! This –this is all your fault!" He then pushed me aside with one arm. I fell on the floor too. Hard. I tried to stand up but before I could even try, he was already on top of me once more, straddling my legs with his own, his hands grabbing my upper arms like a vice grip.

"M-master, please," I choked out a sob. "It –it hurts…"

"Shut up!" he yelled, shaking uncontrollably. "You –ruined –everything! I had just made one –just one mistake! How could you fail to forgive me, Lily, how?"

I had no idea what he was ranting about, nor did I know who Lily was, but apparently she has hurt him deeply. Master Severus was in a blind rage and he was hurting me. I had to do something.

"Please, Master Severus," I tried to appeal to him. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. Please –"

"Don't - apologize to me, Lily!" he sobbed. "I told you he was no good! Now see, James Potter will be the cause of your demise!" He tightened his grip on me. "I –I could have protected you, Lily! Now because of Potter and his stupid kid, the Dark Lord is now after you! All because of that stupid prophecy! I wish you had just listened to me!" Angry tears fell from my master's eyes down to my cheeks. There, it welled, together with my own.

"Please master, it hurts, you're hurting me," I tried to appeal again.

"You know what hurt's Lily? It's all my fault! It was I who told the Dark Lord! I told him about the prophecy last year. I did not know –now he thinks it's Potter's brat! Now I have had to sell my soul to Dumbledore too –just to keep you safe!" His nails began digging into my flesh. I had to try a different approach.

"Please –mas- Severus," I said ever so softly. "Don't be too hard on yourself,"

"Why, Lily? Tell me! I've made a terrible mistake!"

"Severus, It's not your fault, please. Don't blame yourself,"

I felt his grip loosened considerably. I used the moment to switch myself to a half-sitting position on the floor, resting my weight on both of my elbows. The murderous look in his eyes changed into confusion.

"Tell me Lily, do you hate me?"

Silence passed. He pushed himself off the floor and knelt beside me.

"Tell me Lily! Do –you –hate –me?" He began shaking me hard. "Do you hate me?"

"No, no, I don't! Please, just stop!" I screamed in a panicked voice, hoping he'd stop and snap out of it. He did stop shaking me but what happened next was not what I had expected. I held my breath as Master Severus stood and picked me up from the floor. I froze as he held my face up with both of his trembling hands.

"I love you, Lily" he whispered, staring deep into my eyes. I opened my lips to protest, but before I could even do that, his mouth already silenced mine. I went rigid as his pale lips pressed hard against my own, bruising the tender flesh. My mind was in a daze as his mouth roughly assaulted my lips, his tongue forcing the slight opening –wanting –hungrily gaining entrance. I moaned softly as his tongue then began to slip in, meeting mine in a frenzied dance. I gasped as he then began to suck lightly.

I had wanted to push him away, to tell him to stop. But as soon as I felt his hands snake their way down my neck, down my chest, creating a blazing trail in their wake, all my resolve caved in. I released all the stiffness that I was feeling and just went along with all the wonderful sensations.

He took this time to push me down the sofa; the act momentarily separated us, leaving me wanting for more. As soon as my back hit the cushion, I waited for him to resume kissing me; but to my utter surprise and somewhat disappointment, he just continued to stare at me.

"I love you, Lily," he said once more, but this time, his tone was different –as if he was waiting for an answer, a confirmation. The moment the words escaped my lips, I knew it was a mistake –one that I shall pay for dearly.

"I love you, Severus,"

He then resumed kissing me, this time, with more passion and intensity. He no longer simply wanted entrance; his deep grunts and loud moans wanted something else –a response.

I have never kissed another man before, but I felt my body respond to his heated kisses. I forced my own way inside his mouth as he did mine, nipping, sucking, tasting; he tasted like a bittersweet wine. I then found myself clinging onto his neck as the kiss deepened. His weight was again on me but I did not mind it this time. Another low moan betrayed my lips as his mouth left it and began to trail down the side of my neck. I felt a slight tremor as he found the sensitive spot of my pulse point there and began to suck on it. I found my hands threaded in his soft hair as his lips expertly drove me to sheer ecstasy.

I do not know how it came to be but after some time, I just felt my shirt being pushed aside together with my bra, and rough fingers began to caress my freed breasts. Each of his hands lovingly cupped and fondled the soft mounds, eliciting a cry of pleasure that I did not know I was capable of producing. The sound of which, seemed to have excited him more as he then led his fiery lips down there. I jolted in sweet surprise as I felt his experienced mouth close in on one nipple and began teasing the hardened nub with his tongue. I whimpered in delight as I felt his teeth grazing, raking their way down as if trying to capture the whole thing -all the while, using his hand to try and bring the same sensation to the other one, lightly pinching the nipples and squeezing the rounded flesh.

I kept my eyes closed as a multitude of new, different sensations washed over me. Whenever his lips or his hands did something, I responded with a moan, a gasp or by jolting my body towards him. I did not know how I knew what to do, but it all felt right.

His hands now left my chest and began sliding their way down the pale exposed skin of my stomach. Soon after, his lips followed suit, ghosting the sensitive spot with butterfly kisses. It stopped just right by the edge of my jeans' waistband. He then stopped to unbutton the said garment with one hand and use his teeth to pull the zipper down. I don't know what happened but, as soon as I heard the zipper click, I panicked. I opened my eyes and incidentally met his gaze –his eyes were feral, lustful and raging –I felt scared of him all of a sudden. I quickly pushed my shirt down to cover up my nakedness and pulled his hand away from my waist. He seemed to have sensed my fear and hesitation, but instead of moving away, he used his weight to pin me down. His face went level with my own once more, his left hand, pinning both of mine down against the sofa above my head. I opened my mouth in shock as he used his knees to keep my hips in place.

"Please, no –" The rest of my objection, realizing what he was about to do next, died down in my throat as soon as his lips clamped down on mine. The kisses became rougher this time; his movements were like that of a hungry wolf. He started tearing my shirt off with one hand as I tried to remove mine from his grasp. I tried to scream against his mouth as I felt him pull my pants down. When he was unable to rid of it with one hand, he released my hands. I took that moment to push him off of me. I had managed to remove him on top of me but that just allowed him a chance to quickly remove the rest of my clothing. It all happened so fast; the next thing I knew was that my pants were pulled down around my ankles together with my underwear and he was once again on top of me. Tears welled up in my eyes as I held both of my hands against his now, bare chest.

"Please, Master Severus, no," I sobbed. He briefly looked me in the eye.

"I love you, Lily," he grunted as I felt him force my legs apart with his knees. My eyes widened in fear as I felt a rigid stiffness poised right at the entrance to my core. I tried to push him away once more, but he was indeed too heavy for my now, limp arms.

"Please, Master Severus, I –"

The rest of my words turned into a scream as I felt him shove his erection right through my opening in one, swift move. I felt something in me –trying to force him out and hold him off –break, as he thrust for the second time. I cried out as pain coursed through my entire body.

"Please, no, stop it!" I yelled until I was hoarse, but he didn't listen. He kept ramming his hips between my legs in a frenzied motion. I closed my eyes as I felt my thighs tremble. I tried to tune everything out. I thought that making love was supposed to feel good. But right now, I just felt pain; I felt violated, I felt dirty.

When I had opened my eyes, I felt considerably lighter. Master Severus was no longer on top of me but on the couch, completely passed out. I sat up and surveyed the area –everything was a mess. I bit my lip as I stared at the man who had claimed my innocence. He was my first; I can't believe that I had lost my virginity to a man I hardly knew. I breathed heavily as I went through a range of emotions; we had just made love –it was far from what I had imagined. It didn't feel right. He did not even love me. He just fucked me because he thought that I was some other girl. It wasn't making love, it was just plain lust. It just so happened that it was me; It could have been anybody else. I was just now a plaything to him, nothing more.

I sighed as I moved to pull my pants up –it was then that I saw blood, a lot of it, gushing between my legs, down to the hardwood floor. I pulled myself up using the sofa for support, my knees buckling. I completely discarded my jeans and underwear as I gently inched my way towards the hall. My destination: the bathroom. I need to get cleaned up in more ways than one. As soon as I finally reached the tiled space, I let myself fall on the floor and I wept until I knew no more.

**01010101010**

**A/N: Whew! *wipes sweat off forehead* Really painful chapter for me to write. I hope you liked that. I tried to do away with the cliché but… well you decide. Tell me if it's any good. *clasps hands together* Please? Thanks - Eastwoodgirl**


	8. Chapter 8:Guilt and Gratitude

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, the favorites and the alerts. I hope you enjoy this next chapter.**

**Chapter 8: Guilt and Gratitude**

**01010101010**

(Severus' POV)

The moment consciousness seeped into me again, I felt a pounding headache come on. It was just exactly what you get when you raid a pub and consume all of their alcohol reserves. I cursed inwardly as a blinding glare came on when I had tried to open my eyes. I remember coming from Hogwarts the night before to speak with Dumbledore… then into Hog's Head and then… nothing more. I groaned as I rubbed my eyes and forced them open. That's when I realized where I was.

I was seated on my living room couch.

Naked.

I sighed heavily as I looked around. I must've passed out when I got home; the front door was still open and the furniture were a mess. Good thing my property was warded and disillusioned or thieves may have had a field day while I was out cold. I shook my head as I stood up to grab my robe that was surprisingly on the floor. I hastily threw it on and grabbed my wand from inside the pocket to lock the door shut.

Merlin. Why couldn't I remember a thing? I berated myself as I tried to search for my other pieces of clothing. I wasn't usually a slob but I've made a pretty good mess. I found my shirt thrown over the lamp and my pants and boxers by the coffee table. I need to ask Alana to clean this place up for me. Where was she anyway? I felt too exhausted to even use magic. I breathed heavily as I pulled my pants up and slumped back on the bloodied sofa.

Wait.

What bloodied sofa?

I knelt on the floor and inspected the offending piece of furniture. Crimson blotches stained the cream-colored upholstery. I checked myself over to see if I had any cuts. I didn't. I was about to '_Scourgify'_ the mess when something else caught my eye.

More blood. And they seemed to follow a trail down the hall way. I furrowed my brows. I decided to follow the trail of dried blood as they became fainter and fainter. Along the way, I found a discarded piece of red clothing. When I picked it up to inspect it, I realized that it was a shirt. A woman's shirt. My heart started pounding. I practically ran towards the direction of the blood drops –towards the bathroom. The door was ajar. I pushed it open. My heart stopped.

I found Alana.

Passed out on the bathroom floor in a fetal position.

Naked.

Thoughts of last night then began flooding my head; how I had arrived home, pissed drunk, how I yelled and pushed her, how I called her Lily and accused her of many things, how I kissed her and tasted her, how I felt her writhing under me, how I told her I loved Lily and how… how she told me she loved me back…

I placed my head in my palms and closed my eyes as I remembered how I've hurt her… how she begged me to stop while I forced myself on her, how she cried in pain as I roughly took her innocence away.

I forced myself to open my eyes and look at her, despite wanting to just forget everything. I glanced at her innocent face and can't help but feel like a monster. I took off my robe and knelt right next to her. Bruises and scratches littered her otherwise unblemished skin, tears stained her face; dried blood and cum ran down the length of her legs. I used my robe to cover her frail body. I stiffened as I felt her stir slightly. God, what does she think of me now? I remembered her trusting words, her submissive tone –I had just taken advantage of her. I stepped back as her eyes fluttered open. She seemed disoriented, but her confusion quickly disappeared as she saw me.

"M-master," she gasped. I sensed the fear in her voice as she quickly tried to get off the cold bathroom floor. I flinched as a soft cry of pain escaped her bruised lips while she forced herself to sit up. I approached her once more in an attempt to help her up, but I saw her nervously back off before I can even go near her.

"P-please, master," she looked at me with pleading eyes. I had wanted to kick myself. Of course she was scared of me. I had just violated her. Not knowing what to say next, I just sighed and stood up. I watched her as she pulled herself up off the floor on her own.

"I-I'm sorry, Master Severus," she said with a small, cracked voice, her head bowed down. She grabbed the robe that I had covered her with and wrapped it loosely around her body. Then she began to take a step away from me and towards the bathroom door. Of course she wanted to be as far away from me as possible, but her shaky legs failed her and she stumbled on her way out; I caught her before she hit the floor. She winced as the sudden contact, her eyes filled with fear.

"M-master, I –"

I did not want to hear another apology or anything else for that matter, so I used my free hand to cover her lips gently. She froze. I sighed.

"Alana," I said quietly, looking her in the eye. "Will you promise not to speak when I remove my hand?"

She looked surprised but then, she nodded ever so slowly.

"Good." I replied, removing my hand away from her mouth. "Will you promise not to fight me?"

She just stared at me. I closed my eyes as I let out a deep breath.

"I –I promise not to hurt you," I said, opening my eyes once more, staring into hers deeply. "Will you let me tend to you?"

Her eyes widened but eventually, she nodded. I picked her up and carried her into the tub in the middle of the room. With one hand, I grabbed my wand from the pocket of my trousers and spelled a good amount of warm soapy water into the porcelain vat. Then I gently placed her into the tub, carefully removing the robe. She fidgeted slightly when her bare skin touched the water but after a few seconds she closed her eyes and relaxed. I then summoned a couple of vials from the emergency cabinet I had by the sink. I poured a vial of lavender-scented muscle relaxant and another of a numbing potion into the tub.

I knew the effects were coming on as I heard a faint moan escape her lips. After that I spelled another vial into the water, this time, containing a concoction to heal her cuts and bruises and take the pain away some more. I watched as her scratches began closing up and her purple blemishes return back to normal –I wish I could do more.

I decided to leave her be in that state. I turned my back and walked towards the exit. But before I had even touched the door handle, she spoke once more.

"M-master…" she whispered softly. I looked back. She was sitting in the tub, her head bowed down.

"Thank you."

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

"Thank you."

The moment those words escaped my lips, I became as conflicted as how Master Severus looked in that particular point in time.

He had just violated me –unknowingly, yes, but still, he violated me. The moment he spoke to me tenderly and tended to me in the tub though, all my fears melted away. It felt as if he wasn't the violent man who took me forcibly last night; It was just as if he were only a wayward lover who got carried away in the heat of the moment and was now making up for it.

Wait, did I just think of him as my lover?

It must be something about the water in the tub… I don't know.

My logical thinking told me to hate him, cry, and run as fast as I could away from him. But for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to it. Instead, I found myself thanking him. I chanced a glance at Master Severus after I spoke. Black eyes met my green ones.

"Don't" Master Severus said stiffly before he went outside and closed the door behind him. I sighed as I slipped back in the tub

**010101010**

**A/N: Could be not what you expected. But as I've said, the story is Romance/Drama. I think I've done enough angst with my other stories to last me until St. Valentine's Day :) Before anybody complains that her reaction was unrealistic, let me just say that what I wrote down has a basis in fact. It could happen that way. Trust me. Anyhow, you are still free to tell me if you hated or loved this chapter. I'm dying to know. Sorry if this is shorter than the previous one. My hand's still wonky but I got so many reviews so I got excited and posted this earlier. Love you guys. Until next time - Eastwoodgirl**


	9. Chapter 9: Realizations

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Longer chapter. Woohoo! Enjoy! Special thanks to my best friend Darwin for helping me encode this one. He doesn't have any account whatsoever on FFN so he's just Darwin. We both hope you enjoy this chapter. As this is still un-BETA-ed, all mistakes are mine and his. On with the story… :)**

**Chapter 9: Realizations**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I left the bathroom more confused than ever.

"_Thank you,"_

I needed time to think. A long time to think.

Sure enough since that day, I tried my hardest to stay away from her. I would leave the house early in the morning, spend my time elsewhere and return remarkably late into the night. Such has been our arrangement for about a week. During which, we have not seen each other nor heard each other. My mind knew that it was the right thing to do, but deep within me, I couldn't help but think about her most of the time. I'd curse myself whenever the thought of her would cross my reveries. It seemed that the more I avoid her, the more I can't stop thinking about her.

Into a week of not seeing her, I was summoned by the Dark Lord at around two in the morning. He seemed more upset than usual that day. Further questioning from our ranks revealed the reason: he cannot locate the Potters.

My heart leapt for joy at the news; it seemed that Dumbledore was capable of keeping his promise to me in exchange for my allegiance to his order. So, it was a struggle for me to keep my mask of indifference and mental shields up that day in front of the congregation. The Dark Lord, of course, noticed.

"Why Severus," he hissed angrily. "You'd think it is a most wonderful news, don't you?"

A chorus of laughter rang.

"Silence!" The Dark Lord bellowed. I flinched on my spot.

"Of course not, my Lord," I said quietly, not meeting the man's eyes.

"Very well," The Dark Lord paced. All of a sudden, he stopped in front of me.

"CRUCIO!"

Pain like no other seared through me. I was used to certain outbursts of the Dark Lord's temperament; but this time it felt more violent.

"Never lie to me, Severus! Crucio!" The Dark Lord sneered as he held the curse on. I thought I was going to die at that point in time. After a few minutes that felt like a lifetime to me, he lifted the Cruciatus. I slumped back on the floor, shaking like mad. The Dark Lord smirked and kicked my prone body.

"When I find the Potters, Severus, I will make sure to take extra good care of your pretty little mudblood friend." He then addressed the others. "Take him away!"

The last thing I felt were rough hands pulling me away and the familiar sensation of apparition before my world blackened out.

**01010101010**

(Alana's POV)

It has been a quiet week.

Ever since that day I thanked him, Master Severus had been avoiding me. I would hear his bedroom door open and close at the oddest times of the day, but never once did I see him. I would still tend to his needs; I'd make dinner before I turn in for the night and find it gone the following morning when I wake up; I'd pick up his clothes from the laundry bin, wash them and leave the clean stack in a wicker basket by his door. This too will be gone the following day.

I should be thankful that he was making it easy for me to avoid him. Yet, more often than not, I just find myself unintentionally wondering about him. I guess you could say that I missed his presence. Yes, I knew he was there but, it was far from actually seeing him. I shook my head mentally, realizing what I just thought about.

A week into him, avoiding me, I heard him leave at around two in the morning. I was still up, finishing my latest artwork; but he did not know that, of course. I sighed as I splashed on more black paint on my easel. After about a couple of hours, I felt my back muscles ache and my arms, sore. I placed my brush down and closed my tube of paint. I'd just have to finish my painting that following night. I was about to get ready for bed when all of a sudden, I heard banging on the front door. Remembering last week's ordeal, I warily tip-toed to my bedroom door and listened in for any additional sound. None came after that loud banging. Quickly weighing my options, I hastily threw on a robe over the thin satin nightgown that I was already wearing and eased myself out of my room and down the hall. When I reached the sitting room, I warily eyed the front door. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed the knob, gave it a turn and pulled the front door open. The sight that greeted me early that morning shocked me to say the least.

Master Severus, in his black robes, was lying on the ground, face down. Without thinking, I knelt down next to him; his robes were torn in many places, cuts ran down the length of his back and arms.

"M-master Severus," I gasped, lightly touching his seemingly uninjured shoulder, but he did not stir. I bit my lip.

"Master," I tried once more. Still, he did not move. I carefully touched the side of his neck. His pulse was there, weak and erratic. I had to do something.

I gently flipped him over to his back; his face was deathly pale, with bruises and scratches marring his once perfect complexion. His eyes were shut but there was an expression of pure agony painted across his features. I brushed his forehead lightly in an attempt to rid of the ink black hair covering the rest of his face. He was not an extremely handsome man, but the longer you looked at him, the more you learn to appreciate his well-defined features.

I blushed, trying to push away the inappropriate thoughts forming in my head. He was hurt and this isn't the time for me to be thinking about things like that. I needed to tend to him.

Now, Master Severus was not really a huge man –he was indeed tall, but lean –but he was still effectively larger than I was. So, I knew I couldn't carry him inside by myself. I decided to half-drag him inside, resting his upper body on the back of my shoulder. I would just leave him on the couch, but something tells me that it wouldn't be comfortable nor appropriate enough. I ran my options in my head for a few minutes before deciding to bring him to his room.

Now I knew he explicitly told me never to go in there –but this definitely qualified as an emergency. I pushed his door open and I was immediately greeted by a dark space. It was not far from what I had imagined; A huge four-poster bed made from dark mahogany stood in the middle of the space, adorned with deep green linens that matched the heavy curtains that dressed the windows. An armoire stood in one corner as did a desk and a chest of drawers in another. The space was clean and uncluttered. AS is with the rest of the house, the walls were a deep, dark, cerulean.

I heaved him on top of the bed as I decided to find a washcloth and clean him up. I got a small basin from the bathroom and filled it with warm water. I also chanced upon the medicine cabinet by the sink. I bit my lip as I looked through the small unfamiliar bottles that were lined up –until I recognized one: the vial of pain potion he used for me, I took it and poured the contents gently into my basin of water. I brought it and a soft flannel cloth I found back to his room. He was still unconscious. I sighed as I took the damp flannel and carefully brought it across his forehead. I winced as he slightly whimpered, but after a few minutes, his expression considerably lightened. I exhaled. Once I was done cleaning his face, I eyed his tattered robes. I took a deep breath as I undid the buttons; a few seconds later, I had managed to remove his outer robes and his inner shirt. I fought hard not to cringe as I saw the new wounds and the old scars on his toned chest. I wrung the damp flannel once more and brought it across his upper body. He stirred as I did, however, he did not open his eyes.

"Lily…" he murmured softly. He must be dreaming… or hallucinating, one of the two. I gently placed the basin I was cradling in my lap on the bed side table. I decided to help him change into more comfortable clothes. I rummaged through the drawers hoping to find a pajama top or something, but all I ever saw were black robes, pants, long-sleeved and or collared shirts. I sighed. This man does not probably know the meaning of relaxed. I was already giving up when my eyes chanced upon the armoire. I opened the doors, but only to find stacks of different-sized boxes. I was about to close it once more when something caught my eye right by the bottom of the boxes.

A picture. It looked like it was hastily shoved underneath one of the boxes. I pulled it out.

It was a picture of two kids by a set of swings; a boy and a girl who couldn't be any more than eleven. The boy had inky black hair that covered most of his face and pale, sallow skin. He stood awkwardly next to a girl with bright red hair, a warm smile, and deep green emerald eyes.

"Lily…"

I glanced back towards the bed. Master Severus still had his eyes closed. I let out a sigh of relief. I was about to put the photograph back in the cabinet when it slipped from my hands and landed on the floor face-down. It had tiny writings on the back. I picked it up and before I could put it away, my curiosity got the better of me.

_**Dear Sev,**_

_**Mom took this picture the other day… I don't know if you remember. I thought I'd give you a copy. Petunia said you looked like a creature of the night –I think I might have put a frog in one of her tea cups. Anyway, I can't wait to go to Hogwarts with you. It'll be fun learning magic, don't you think? Although I bet you already know loads about it. I thought I'd use my new owl, Raven, to send this to you even if you only live two doors away –so she'll get used to delivering mail. Anyway, I won't say no more. I'll talk to you tomorrow when we get on the train.**_

_**Your bestest friend,**_

_**Lily**_

"Lily…"

I glanced back at Master Severus after I placed the photograph back and carefully closed the doors of the armoire.

"Lily…"

I stared at his face as I sat by the side of the bed. Before I could stop myself, I let my fingers brush his moving lips lightly.

"Lily…"

I felt warm breath escape his slightly opened mouth as he once again uttered her name. I drew closer.

"Lily.."

I removed my fingers from his trembling lips.

"Sev –Severus…" I whispered, not knowing why I did. I grabbed one of his pale hands in my own; to my surprise, he grasped it tightly.

"Lily?" he asked, still seemingly in a trance.

"Yes?"

"I love you, Lily,"

I wanted to tell him that I wasn't Lily. But I knew deep within me that being Lily was the only way that he'd ever say those words to me –the only way that he would think of me as something much more than a servant, just some other girl with the eyes of another woman he loved deeply –the only way that he would love me back.

Wait.

Did I just want him to love… me… back?

I sighed deeply. Against, my logic, yes, I admitted to myself at that point how I felt for this man.

And before I could even stop myself once more, I did the stupidest thing that I would eventually regret my whole life through.

"I love you, Severus," I whispered as I gently pressed my lips against his.

**01010101010**

**A/N: Yeah! Finally done! Thanks Darwin! So what do you guys think? Please leave me a review! Suggestions? Comments? Violent reactions? Love letters? Death threats? Hahaha let me have 'em! I would love to know how this tale affects you (or otherwise).**

**I'll try and update again in a couple of days.**

**Love,**

**Eastwoodgirl**


	10. Chapter 10: Lessons

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: I still think Alan Rickman should have been at least nominated for Best Supporting Actor for the Oscars, if not win. Oh well, nothing I could do about that though. But, wow, I'm so overwhelmed by your response to this story. Thanks. And sorry for the long wait. My hand still refuses to cooperate. Well, I hope you enjoy. Longest Chapter Ever!**

**Chapter 10: Lessons**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I woke up to that intoxicating smell of vanilla and oranges. I inhaled deeply, not wanting the sensations it brought to me to escape my memory. I slowly opened my eyes and was immediately greeted by the familiar deep green hangings of my four-poster. I sighed as I tried to remember how I got here; the last thing I remembered was excruciating pain from the Dark Lord's wand. I felt a slight elation, remembering the reason for that punishment.

Lily is safe.

Still, that doesn't explain how I got here. I closed my eyes once more as I forced my mind to remember. Then, snippets of certain events began to invade my head:

Avery and Nott. I will **kill** them for manhandling me. Well, at least they did not mutilate me further and dumped me elsewhere. Good thing it was my front door… and that Alana found me before I froze to death.

Alana? She brought me in? In my room? After I expressly told her not to enter it?

A pounding headache came along next as I tried to push away the outrage that I was feeling.

She did tend to me; healed my cuts to a certain degree, my mind tried to reason out.

As I debated in my head whether to reprimand her for her deed or not, I heard a soft moan. Then I felt something shift on the bed. I glanced at where the sound was coming from and was immediately greeted by a cascade of long raven hair.

Alana. She must've fallen asleep last night while tending to me. Her arms were folded on top of the side of my bed; her head was using it for a pillow. I held my breath as I saw her shift her position once more –but she did not wake. She must still be too tired to be in this deep of a slumber.

I had decided not to wake her. I carefully slipped out of bed and got dressed, all the while trying to make as little noise as possible. Before I left the room, I chanced another glance at her sleeping form. I sighed deeply as I turned to leave.

I honestly did not know what to think anymore.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I woke up with a stiff neck and sore arms. I must have slept on them. My eyes were greeted by a not-so-familiar deep green when I opened them. That was when I remembered where I was.

Oh, God.

I immediately glanced at my master's sleeping form… only to find that he wasn't exactly there anymore. The pillows were stacked neatly, the sheets were folded… even the basin and the flannel cloth has been put away.

Oh, God.

I immediately stood up and ran towards the direction of the door. The moment I opened it, I was accosted by the sight that I had dreaded the most in that particular point in time.

"M-master Severus," He stood by the doorway; his left arm was up against the door frame, his body leaning casually against it, with an unreadable expression on his face. I bowed my head.

"I was wondering when you would get up and out of my room, Alana," he said quietly. I had expected him to yell at me for disobeying his order. He might as well just yell at me –at least if he did, I knew exactly where I stood; his cold, expressionless tone put me on the edge of my seat. I bowed my head lower.

"Fo –forgive me, Master Se –Severus, I –" The rest of my words no longer left my mouth as I felt him grab my hand, rather tightly.

"M-master?" I looked up at him. Was he going to punish me now? I tried to search his eyes for any inkling of what might happen next, but he already had his back turned on me.

"Follow me," he said curtly, still holding on to my hand. He did not drag me like I thought he would but instead, he waited for me to pick up my pace –leading me. He led me down the hall, to the sitting room, down to the kitchens.

"Sit." He motioned for me to take my usual spot at the dining table while he took his. That was when I noticed it.

The table was laden with an inviting breakfast spread: French omelet, forest ham, grilled sausages, croissants and tiny jars of assorted jams and marmalade –just the smell made my stomach rumble.

I looked at the spread then at my master with a confused look. He shot me an expectant glare back.

"Well, are you just going to sit there?"

I flinched as he spoke to me in that cold, biting tone. I could never read this man. He is a constant puzzle. He prepares breakfast for us as -punishment? I sighed as I quietly took a croissant and placed it in the middle of my plate. I glanced at him again; his arms were folded across his chest, his face, expressionless –but his eyes… his eyes continued to look at me expectantly. I took a bite of the pastry and chewed rather slowly. After I swallowed the first bite, he spoke again.

"Will you pass the salt, please?"

I looked up from my seat. His tone could still be classified as gruff… but he did say 'please'.

I eyed the salt shaker. Odd, it was actually nearer him than me; he could have just used magic to get it. Sighing inwardly, I reached for the salt shaker. I should be thankful he isn't punishing me for entering his room without permission –yet. As I place the container in his waiting hand, my fingers brushed his palm lightly. I do not know what happened but we both jerked our hands away after that sudden contact as if electricity passed through our bodies. I eyed Master Severus to see if he felt it too. Black obsidian eyes met mine. I looked away, embarrassed. I decided to proceed with my breakfast. As I reached for the jar of orange marmalade to put I my croissant, I thought I heard him.

"Thank you, Alana,"

I looked up at the owner of the voice. The man was already sprinkling some salt on his eggs and did not meet my gaze. I assumed he was thanking me for the salt. But the way he said it… something tells me that it wasn't about the salt at all.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

It wasn't about the salt.

I stole a glance at Alana while I took a bite of eggs. She was at that point, spreading a thin layer of orange marmalade on her pastry. She did not give me any indication that she realized what I had actually meant. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Clever, Severus, really clever.

We finished the rest of our breakfast in considerable silence. When she stood up to rid of the clutter on the table, I cleared my throat.

"Yes, master?" She looked up at me expectantly, still with that hint of fear in her eyes. I sighed inwardly. I'll have to do something about that. I did not answer her; instead, I waved my wand to clear the table and wash the dishes. Her eyes then registered awe. Now that's more like it. As soon as everything was spotless, I stood up.

"You shall start learning magic," I told her quietly, and with those five simple words, her whole face lit up. I thought she'd never looked more beautiful.

"Master?" She looked at me as if she couldn't believe what I had just said. I nodded.

"You have missed your chance at a standard education," I began pacing the room. "Therefore I shall endeavor to act as your tutor. We will start with the basics –those that do not require you a wand yet: History of Magic, Astronomy, Herbology, basic Potions… I will draw up a schedule for you to strictly follow. Once I have deemed you capable of basic concepts, then we will proceed to acquire for you a wand." I looked at Alana. "We shall undertake this Herculean task to prepare you better for the magical world. You will not waste time or efforts. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes master," she said quietly, but then, I saw her face break into a smile. "Thank you,"

I curtly nodded. She should really smile more.

Ugh, Merlin. Why are these thoughts invading my mind? I shook my head.

"Very well, let us proceed to the study so we could begin."

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I had been receiving magic lessons from Master Severus for two weeks now. All I could say was I am grateful for them. The world of witches and wizards are fascinating; they (or should I say, we) had our own history, culture and even our own ministry. I have learned about magical plants and creatures and their uses in potions; About planets and constellations, about wizarding customs and currency. It was too much information when you look at it first hand, but I had a lot to make up for considering what I had missed.

I wish I went to Hogwarts. At times, Master Severus would allude to his former school during discussions and I would imagine moving staircases and living suits of armor in my head. It must have been fun to live in a castle most of the year and meet outstanding witches and wizards and have them as professors. Not that Master Severus wasn't a good teacher himself; he had his way with words that kept you on your toes, hanging on to every syllable. He made boring goblin rebellions sound vicious, ferns and spores, sound fascinating, and potions- Anybody can tell that he was passionate about potions, just by the way he describes it… a subtle art, an exact science… ensnaring the senses, bewitching the mind… He would make a great professor someday.

From dawn 'til dusk, he patiently taught me. Whenever we had these lessons, he would transform into this engaging individual who would encourage me to ask questions and come up with my own solutions. He treated me as an equal and not just a servant. Over time, I found it already hard to distinguish him from being my master and being my teacher –as if he was just one and the same. I found myself no longer flinching when he speaks to me; I no longer bow my head; I found myself smiling more.

I have grown to be more comfortable around him without me noticing it.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I was to take Alana out today.

No, not that kind. We were to head off to Diagon Alley to get her a wand among other things. She had been a most eager student. I was pleasantly surprised at how fast she picked up material within a short amount of time. If she had attended Hogwarts she would most probably end up in Ravenclaw House.

Or Slytherin, a voice in my head said, reminding me of her less than ideal back story.

Three and a half weeks into our lessons, she was already able to firmly grasp the theory behind most basic spells, hence, our trip today.

I was waiting for her in the sitting room while she dressed. She did not have robes yet so she would have to go muggle; that was another thing we had to take care of. I chalked up a trip to Madam Malkin's in my mental to-do list. It was still early in the morning, but I was getting rather impatient, not being used to waiting for a woman to get dressed.

"Alana," I called out from the cream-colored, stain-free sofa I was sitting on. I heard a cheerful, muffled response –something else that I've grown to appreciate. Alana no longer looked at me with fear in her eyes – not that I ever wanted that in the first place when I took her in. Yes, she still respected me as her master, but that was just that –she no longer flinched when I spoke, she would already converse with me and not just nod her head in approval to everything that I say. Life started to seep back in those emerald eyes… then maybe those eyes would look more like…

My thoughts were interrupted by approaching footsteps.

"I'm ready, Master Severus," a cheerful voice said. I looked up from my seat and my mouth immediately went agape.

Alana stood by the couch opposite from where I'm seated with a pleasant smile on her face. But that wasn't just it. Today she wore her hair down again as opposed to having it usually up in a ponytail or a loose braid. Her lovely waves were parted and pinned to one side with what I recognized as the barrette I gave her on her first day here. And opposed to the tight-fitting jeans she normally wore around the house, she had a pale green sundress on that fitted her nicely and flared around her hips, ending just right above her knees; the color brought out her eyes and the natural flush of her cheeks. Her dainty feet were clad in a pair of plain black ballerina slippers. As an added touch, she had a silver pendant that hung around her neck. She looked lovely to say the least; I had wanted to tell her, but I couldn't even begin to formulate the words in my head.

'_But of course, she is no Lily,'_ a voice in the back of my mind reasoned. I sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry I took a while," she added shyly, the smile on her lips never disappearing. "I –I did not know if I look decent enough so –"

"That's fine," I said quietly. "You –look –nice," I had managed to say. Her eyes lit up at those words but she said no more. I cleared my throat.

"Very well, " I said, offering her my hand. "We shall apparate to Diagon Alley from the meadow we came in from the first time we arrived here. I trust you remember that?" I had taught her the theory of apparition, but she has yet to get to try it, so I had to take her side-along.

"Yes, master," she smiled. Good Merlin, I wish she'd smile forever.

Ugh. I'm really losing it.

About twenty minutes later, after an impromptu early morning walk, we stood outside the Leaky Cauldron in Muggle London. Alana was still holding on to me. At normal days I detested having bodily contact with just about anybody; but I don't know why I found myself not minding at all, not even as her grip tightened as I ushered her inside the pub.

Now, I had always prided myself for being able to walk into a room and get out of it undetected, but the moment Alana and I entered the establishment, I knew right then and there that that was not to be the case today. All eyes immediately went to us, or to be more exact, Alana. I felt her stiffen slightly at the unexpected and unwanted attention. All of a sudden, I couldn't help but feel protective of her. I pulled her closer to me. She gave me a grateful smile. And, to my surprise, I found myself smiling back at her automatically.

I do not smile. Not in public.

Merlin.

We made it halfway towards the bar when Tom, the barman, came out from the back and noticed us.

"Why, if it isn't you, Severus," the man gave me a toothy grin. "With all the commotion, I thought the Queen was here –" the he noticed my companion. " –of course, a beautiful lady would generate the same kind of attention." He smiled at Alana affably. "Hello, young lady, first time at the Leaky, eh? Welcome. They call me Tom." The barman offered his hand to Alana who took it. She blushed when Tom kissed it. I found myself clearing my throat rather loudly. They both looked at me. Tom's grin grew wider.

"Very well, I believe Severus here has some really important business to take care of with you, my lady, you'd best be off. Enjoy!" with that I grabbed Alana's hand once more as we strode out the back door. I remained silent as a wave of emotions crashed all over me. I stole another glance at Alana as we stood in front of the brick wall that concealed the entrance to the Alley. Our eyes met briefly before I looked away.

'_I'm just protective of her because she is my charge, nothing more,'_ I kept telling myself.

'_No, that's not it and you know that_,' another voice in my head said. I must've conveyed my confliction through my face as I felt Alana squeeze my hand gently.

"Are you alright, Master Severus?" her face was awashed with concern.

I sighed as I nodded briefly. The sooner we finish this trip today, the sooner I could get my sanity back.

**01010101010**

**A/N: *Puppy dog eyes* Please? Reviews? -Eastwoodgirl**


	11. Chapter 11: Diagon Alley

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.**

**A/N: Somebody who wishes to remain anonymous has asked me through PM if Alana's character was based on me. Well, to those who were wondering, the answer is NO. For one, I do not act like a martyr and I bow to no one… although she gets her lip biting habit from me and I do have long raven hair…. And… Well, if you ask me, I'm more like Severus. No, I'm not a Death Eater, but I'm quite good in potions (chemistry) if I do say so myself. I'm a snarky git who does not know how to react when a pretty girl shows some interest in me (no, I'm not gay, but trust me, it has happened before). Severus' OOC-ness in this story is roughly based around me… And well, I have black eyes… not green. My friends say my eyes always look cold and gleaming… oh, enough about that. On with the story. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 11: Diagon Alley**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

Master Severus nodded to tell me he is okay. But his expression was another story. What am I missing here? Was he uncomfortable going around town with me? I bit my lip. I hated to think negatively but… I mentally shook my head. He wouldn't let me hold his hand if he was embarrassed to be seen with me, right?

I sighed as I saw him draw his wand out and began counting bricks above a metal trash can: two across, three up –and began tapping the said bricks lightly. I gasped as the bricks then began to move and part. I stood behind my master as an archway formed from the seemingly normal brick wall.

"Welcome, Alana, to Diagon Alley." I heard Master Severus say as he motioned for me to step forward. What I saw made me wish that I had more than just one pair of eyes.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I did not miss the look of awe and child-like wonder in those emerald green eyes. It seemed as if only yesterday, I was ushering another pair of green orbs with that same sense of excitement on her first tour of Diagon Alley.

I shook my head, trying to push away the happier thoughts of my yesteryears to the back of my mind where they belong. I grabbed Alana's hand once more and led her though the crowd.

As if on cue, the sea of early morning shoppers parted to allow us passage; and eyes were trained once more on me and my companion. I did not know the reason at that point –if it was her mesmerizing beauty or the fact that she was consorting with me. Not that I cared but it sure was annoying seeing people –ogling –my…

My what?

And when did she become 'mine'?

I sighed as I led her off the main road to visit Olivander's. We need to get back home as soon as possible.

We entered the ancient –looking wand shop; a soft tinkle announced our arrival as old man Olivander greeted us from behind the dusty counter.

"Ah, yes, Severus Snape, ebony and thestral feather -13 inches, flexible –great use for defense and charm work, one of the rarest makes I have ever conceived. Are you still using it to its fullest potential?"

"Yes, sir," I nodded curtly, "But I am here with –"

"Ah, I was wondering when I will get to see you my dear –"Olivander was looking at Alana with interest. " –You have finally arrived at my shop, although seven years too late." Mr. Olivander's tone was pleasant but I couldn't help but notice Alana shrink back in her place as the wand maker addressed her.

"Y-you know me?" she asked the old man, disbelieving. "B-but my mother was – was not magical…"

"True enough," Olivander smiled mysteriously, but you look pretty much like your father, although your eyes perhaps belong to another relative…"

"You –you know my –my real father?" Alana asked, shocked. I, too, felt the same and my eyes widened at the old man's revelation. Sometimes I think Dumbledore and Olivander were made from the same stock of crazy. They always happen to know things that other **normal** people don't. I looked at Alana trying to figure out who she resembled but none came to mind. Maybe I can look around and ask in the next death eater meeting; I haven't been called since the Dark Lord punished me –and that has been almost a month ago. I tuned my attention back to my companions.

"Why, yes, dear, you do not know his name?"

"No," Alana bowed her head down. It was the first I've seen her look so defeated since we began having our lessons. "I do not want to know his name." She said stiffly. Surprise reflected on Mr. Olivander's face. And I'm pretty sure that my face registered the same.

Alana did not want to know her father.

But why?

Thinking back, I've realized that she never told me anything about her childhood – none before she got adopted by the Blueridges –whom she adored deeply, based on her stories. I did not know anything about that part of her life. Not that I was interested, but…

As I packed this bit of information away in my head, I cleared my throat to fill in the awkward silence. This caused Alana to look at me. I gave her an encouraging smile. To my utter relief, she smiled back; it was rather forced, I can tell, but it was a start. I turned to Mr. Olivander.

"A wand for the lady, if you please,"

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I was excited to finally get my wand.

I was thinking of all the wonderful things I could finally do once I had it but the moment that old man mentioned my real father… let's just say that I had lost my appetite, so to speak. I wanted to just turn back and head home –but when Master Severus caught my eye and gave me that smile, I knew that he must have understood. I was grateful for his reassurance. My childhood has been a sore spot for me. I never tell him stories about it during our numerous conversations over tea, discussing lessons –and I don't know how much he's seen of it in my memories, but I am glad he never did ask me about it.

When I looked back at Mr. Olivander, he had a magical tape measuring around my wrist. He was pulling long thin boxes out of dusty shelves. I stared apprehensively; surely, I do not need to try out all of them?

Master Severus must have seen the look on my face for he gave my shoulder a light tap. When I turned to face him, he gave me a nod. I took a deep breath as Mr. Olivander held out tome the first wand.

"Birch 10 ¾ inches, dragon heartstring, bendy – go on, give it a wave," the old man said. But I had barely touched it when he snatched it away.

I must've tried about a dozen more after that –a sense of frustration was already building inside of me. I looked over to my master but his face registered nothing; I guess it does take a while to pick out a wand. I was worried that maybe I wasn't magical enough, that's why it was taking so long.

But on probably the 15th try (I already lost count, really), Mr. Olivander, with a wide grin on his face, presented me with another dusty box –one that this time, contained a dark-colored wand. I thought it looked quite different from all those that he had made me try before –and yet, quite –familiar. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Without another word, I reached out for the wand and a warm glow suddenly emitted from it. When I had finally grasped it, red sparks suddenly flew out from the end. I found myself sporting a big grin. Mr. Olivander, however, had a curious frown on his face. But when he noticed me looking at him, he cleared his throat and smiled –not at me though, but, at Master Severus.

"Very well, my lady," Mr. Olivander said, still looking at my Master. "I was not expecting that, but you seem to be a perfect match for that rather **rare** wand –ebony and thestral feather, 13 inches, flexible. A rare match indeed –"

"What?" Master Severus blurted out all of a sudden. "B-but that's the exact make of my wand!" He then brought out his wand and laid it on the counter top… So that's where I've seen it before. Now that they were lying side by side on the dusty counter, I could say that my new wand and his definitely looked like twins. Mr. Olivander gave us another mysterious grin.

"It is rare to find a thestral feather that does not react violently to ebony wood," he began pacing the length of the counter, picking up boxes littered across it along the way and stuffing them back on the shelves. "I was ever so lucky to chance upon a dying thestral mare willing to give up its feathers in exchange for the care of her foal –they were separated from their herd by magical poachers. I took care of her foal and released it into the wild once the mare had died. I return, I received two valuable feathers –"

"Our wands share a core?" Master Severus asked, disbelieving. I, on the other hand, had no clue whatsoever with what they were talking about –wands were something that my master and I have not discussed thoroughly.

"Not only do they share cores, but the ebony I have used comes from the same tree –in fact the only ebony tree, that could be found in the heart of the Forbidden Forest. As I have said, only the rarest of occurrences could produce one wand such as yours, let alone, twin wands, such as yours." Mr. Olivander said, as he wrapped up my wand. I thought that there was more to his explanation, but to my surprise he said nothing more. "That will be seven galleons."

That's when I remembered that I did not have money to pay for it.

"B-but, I don't have –"

The rest of my words were cut off as Master Severus shoved seven gold coins in the wand maker's waiting hands and grabbed his own wand. It seemed as if he was in a hurry to leave. I grabbed my package.

"Thank you Mr. Olivander," I nodded my head slightly to the old man as Master Severus and I walked out of his shop. Mr. Olivander just continued to give me a smile.

"Thank you, Miss –" he then paused. "If ever you decide that you need information, my door will always be open."

I just nodded briefly and closed the door behind me.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

Twin wands?

I have never liked visits to Olivander's –for some reason, it always left me uneasy; today's excursion was no different.

I fingered my ebony wand in my pocket as Alana and I left the dusty establishment. We have not yet discussed wand lore –not that I expected a need for it –but I knew she was intrigued by that bit of information that Olivander imparted us.

As I was.

I have only a vague knowledge about shared cores… but twin wands were completely foreign to me; I have to search the library for information on them.

I sighed as I chalked that up in my mental to-do list. We still need to take care of a lot of other things today in the Alley. I chanced a glance at my companion –she was biting her lip. Over time, I figured out that Alana bit her lip a lot when she wanted to say something but was unsure of how to say it. It looked adorable at times.

Ugh. Not again.

"What is it?" I asked her quietly as we both walked back towards the main alley. It wasn't as painful as when we first got here but there were still those that looked at us with hawk-like eyes. Without thinking about it, I gently wrapped one arm around Alana's shoulders. I could tell that she was surprised when I felt her jerk slightly –so was I, by my gesture – but I just shrugged it off.

"I –thank you master," she said with a small voice. "I do not know how –these lessons, the wand, looking out for me – I wonder how I can ever repay you –"

I removed my arm from around her and stopped. I stared at her eyes… there was that hint of uncertainty in them again.

"Alana, no need to thank me. You are effectively my charge and are under my care. It is only fitting that I spend for your needs. Never mention this again."

"But, I do not have anything in return to give you, Master Severus. I mean, I have nothing but –"

I did not know how it happened but the next thing I knew was that my lips were on hers, effectively silencing any protest she had to say. I felt her stiffen slightly. I backed away, surprised at myself.

It was as if everything had stopped.

Or maybe it did.

I glanced around and immediately thought that I was in a still photograph; eyes were staring, mouths gaping, hands were poised in midair. Alana was no different. I cleared my throat loudly to hide my obvious embarrassment at my apparent lapse in judgment and forced out every bit of meanness that I could in the glare I gave the gaping bystanders. I then grabbed Alana's hand as if nothing happened, and dragged her off to Madame Malkin's. All the while, my mind was in a daze.

Why did I just kiss her? Especially in front of a huge crowd?

What was I thinking?

Maybe that's just it.

I wasn't thinking anymore.

I did not look at Alana; not until we reached the confines of Madame Malkin's robe shop. But when I finally did, our eyes met.

I wasn't really thinking indeed.

**010101010**

**A/N: I know nothing much has happened in terms of 'action' and stuff, but this serves an important interlude for the future chapters. Next chapter shall be posted ASAP, don't worry. I threatened my CTS that if he doesn't cooperate, I'd chop my hand off and learn to type with my toes… oh well, that wasn't much of a threat, but hey, I tried.**

**In the mean time, please review. I'd love to know if you have comments, suggestions, questions (Anything Goes), violent reactions or electoral protests (like why wasn't Alan Rickman nominated for the Oscars, that kind of thing) -Eastwoodgirl**


	12. Chapter 12: Hold Me

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: Somewhat explicit scenes ahead. Read at your own discretion. Long chapter!**

**Chapter 12: Hold Me**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

For the rest of our trip that day, Master Severus remained quiet; he is normally a man of few words, of that I am aware, but after that unexpected kiss, he just clamed up. After I got fitted for robes in Madam Malkin's shop, he did not even glance at me anymore; not after that one point when our eyes met after arriving at the robe shop.

I sighed as I began to follow him around –my legs seem to be programmed on auto-pilot. He still held my hand, yes, but now it felt as if it was almost only an afterthought for him.

I'm really finding it hard to analyze this man: first, he acts all gentlemanly around me, then he kisses me out of the blue, acts as if nothing happened, and now, he treats me with regulated indifference. I was too caught up in my thoughts to even notice where we were going. My mind traveled back to that kiss…

Could it be?

I shook my head mentally. No, he doesn't feel **that** way about me. Master Severus was a smart, handsome man; he could have anybody he wants.

'_And yet, he would only want one,'_ my mind told me bitterly, my thoughts fleeting back to the photograph of that girl with dark red hair and eyes like emeralds.

Eyes like mine.

And then it hit me.

Of course.

I stole a glance at my master who was now conversing quietly with a man who apparently owned the apothecary we were in at that moment. Of course, he wasn't attracted to me… just my eyes… the eyes of his lost love.

I knew I shouldn't be feeling that way, but I felt a pang of jealousy. I bit my lip. My eyes were something special to me –something about myself that I can honestly say that I love. Now, I just can't help but hate them.

**01010101010**

(Severus' POV)

We finished our trip to the Alley in record time –and to be honest I never felt more relieved in my entire life than when I've finally reached the front door. I stole a quick glance at Alana; her face was flushed. I felt mine redden a little. Inside, I was feeling twisted, seven different ways from Sunday.

Merlin. How come everything had to be so complicated?

I felt like a robot, going through all of the motions of getting inside the house and unloading the shrunken packages from my pocket. Everything around me felt unreal.

No. I can't be feeling this way. One woman cannot certainly be the cause of my insanity.

My thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice.

"Master Severus, lunch is ready,"

I glanced at Alana. Her cheeks were no longer flushed, her eyes, no longer bright –in fact, they no longer carried any expression at all. I wanted to ask her what the matter was but I bit my tongue. Instead, I gave her a swift nod as I followed her towards the kitchen.

I sighed softly as I sat down I my customary seat at the head of the table; as usual, the spread was mouth-watering. Alana has been consistently coming up with gastronomical delights that never failed to excite my palate. I began loading my plate with orange chicken –that's when I noticed: Alana wasn't sitting from across the table. In fact, she wasn't even in the kitchen anymore. I cast a warming charm over the food as I stood up and left the kitchen to find her. It did not take me long –she was just right in the sitting room, staring off into space. She was seated in the sofa, her legs, folded on to one side. She hasn't changed into her customary jeans yet; her dress rode up slightly due to her position –a small expanse of creamy white skin was left exposed. She seemed to be in deep thought as he hadn't even noticed my presence until I took a spot on the couch beside her.

"Any reason why you aren't in the kitchen and eating lunch?"

I asked her as quietly as possible –but my voice still seemed to have startled her. She flinched.

"I –I'm not hungry," she said in a small voice. "Is the food any good, master?" She asked me back, still not moving from her spot, still not looking at me. I could tell that she was upset. I just couldn't bring myself to ask her about it.

"I haven't tried it yet, but I'm sure it is," I told her gently. A small smile graced her lips. But, it didn't reach past her eyes. It was a half-hearted smile. I took a deep breath.

"Alana, I –"

"What's wrong with me?" she asked, almost to herself. My eyes widened at her defeated tone. I did not know what to say. I just stared at her. I noticed that her eyes were now sparkling –brimming with unshed tears. After a beat, a fat tear drop fell down her cheek, and as if on cue, I felt my hand move in and reach to brush it away. This caused Alana to look at me. At that moment, an inner struggle took place within me; I had wanted to strangle myself and at the same time, beat somebody else up. Her eyes mirrored grief, pain and defeat. I was at a loss on what to say next, but Alana saved us from the awkward silence that followed.

"I never knew my father," she began softly, bringing her legs closer towards her body. The way she spoke was in a manner I have never seen nor heard from her –every syllable had a pause, bitterness laced every single word. I held my breath as she continued.

"My –my mother was just one of his conquests. I was never told what his name was. I don't think she knew either. One thing I did know was that he never even loved my mother –he –he had –raped her."

I felt a tight knot form inside my guts.

"Growing up, people would look down on her, on us. They never even bothered to know our story. They had viewed her as a scarlet woman, promiscuous; they deemed me to be the same when I grew up,"

The knot tightened even more.

"She had loved me, the best that she could an unwanted child, but I knew deep within that one part of her hated me –the spawn of the man who had violated her." She looked at me at this point. I had honestly expected her to start yelling and accusing me. To my surprise, she smiled –a sad smile.

"I've never even heard the words 'I love you' escape her lips until she was on her death bed… I was seven when she left me. She said she loved me, but I guess it wasn't enough for her to stay with me." Tears now started to flow continuously down her face. I clenched my fists.

"After she died, that was when everything became worse –I –I started feeling weird… making things move, explode –kids started taunting me, telling me I was a freak –that I was crazy. I was at the orphanage back then. I did not know I was magical at that point, I did not even know it was magic that I was doing but –but I knew was no longer normal…" She then let out a bitter laugh. "I guess you can never really call me normal to begin with anyway."

At that point, I felt that I had wanted to say something, anything –to comfort her, to calm her down –but I found my body unable to respond to my thoughts. I sat there frozen, listening to this woman tell me the story of her life.

"When I got adopted, I vowed to myself that I would never look back; I tried my hardest to hide my weirdness. I was given another chance –I vowed to myself that I would never mess it up. My adoptive parents never knew about my –my abilities. It was hard –hiding something that was a part of you –but I knew I had to do it. For seven years since that day, I was happy, you know? I wished it would never end. I finally had a family who took me in and loved me…" her voice trailed off as a violent shake of her shoulders came on. She bit her lip. She must be reminiscing the murder of her parents. I was about to open my mouth to offer her a few words of comfort but she beat me to it.

"I knew I was loved, I am thankful for it. But sometimes I felt as if I was floating –incomplete –detached from the world. There was always something missing from me. And I felt at one point that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it will always be out of my grasp."

My eyebrows shot up at her words. I knew what she was talking about. I felt the exact same way. I fought hard not to unclench my fists and wrap my arms around her. Instead, I continued to stare at her tear-stained face. She must've noticed me staring as she had next made a move to wipe her tears away.

"I wasn't always alone," She then said softly. "His name was Daren," she then added, as if providing me an answer to an unasked question. "I –I was sixteen, he was nineteen; he was a neighbor. We spent our teenage years together after I was adopted. He –he had always been nice to me –I figured that he felt the same way as I did. We started as friends until eventually I found myself feeling something a lot stronger for him." I found myself staring at her. Could this be anymore surreal? I had felt the same way about Lily. Alana let out a heavy sigh. At one point, I thought she was going to breakdown, but she took another deep breath and continued on.

"He –he –one day, I tried to tell him, but –" She took another gulp of air. "He said, I wasn't –I wasn't –" A sob escaped her quivering lips as the rest of her words disappeared. Suddenly, I couldn't hold it back anymore. I found myself holding Alana in a tight embrace as she finally broke down.

"I'm not good enough. I- I can never be good enough," I heard her whisper in my ear. I pulled away from her and stared into her eyes. There was that look of uncertainty once more. Her lips moved once again before I could even discern her words.

"How come everything good in my life has to come undone?" She asked quietly, again as if she was directing the question at herself. I did not have an answer for that. She must've sensed it, for she asked another question instead.

"Can I ever be good enough?" She had asked me directly, her eyes boring straight into mine. I had wanted to tell her 'yes', but for some reason, my lips wouldn't move. Her gaze was so intense it mesmerized me into muteness. I have never seen her eyes look so… so passionate. Broken, yes, but passionate nonetheless. At one point I thought I was seeing Lily in her. But when she had moved in closer, I was brought back from my trance.

I jolted back in surprise as her soft lips pressed against my own, seeking entrance. It was far from the chaste kiss we had shared earlier that day in a spur of the moment –her lips were wanting, waiting for a response. In my mind, I knew what I had to do: push her away and let her go; she was emotional and I shouldn't take advantage of the situation. But as always, my body had its own ways of defying the laws of muggle Physics and even magic. As I felt her soft hands gripping the collar of my shirt tightly, I totally lost it. I gave in to the sensations.

My own hands found their way through her lush raven hair as I parted my lips to let her in. God, this woman could kiss, and to think she had not much of an experience. I heard a soft moan coming from my own mouth as I felt her hands fumbling for the buttons on my shirt. She was sitting in the sofa as I was kneeling on the floor in front of her –it was an awkward position but it did not matter at all. After a few tries, she had successfully removed the top I was wearing. Her hands then began snaking their way across my now, exposed chest, leaving a fiery trail whenever it came in contact with my skin. It made me feel heady. I responded by even deepening the kiss; my tongue delved deeper into her sweet mouth as I moved my hands away from her hair and down her back, using it as leverage in pulling her closer to me. In that moment, all my mind was screaming is that I need to feel more of her. As if reading my mind, Alana leaned back on the sofa, not once breaking our heated kiss as pulled me down with her. Her arms were now crossed at the back of my neck. Her body was flush against the sofa and I was directly on top of her, my knees straddling her hips, One we were settled in that manner, I felt Alana's hands move once more, away from my neck, down my shoulders and waist, and even lower. I let out a small gasp as I felt her shaky hands brush against the growing erection in my pants. I pulled myself away from her to stare at her eyes; I melted at the sight. Her eyes were a deeper shade of emerald; they were filled with –no, not lust –but a deeper sense of urgency, of a need that sought to be fulfilled. Her lips remained slightly parted, red and luscious, that begged to be ravished. I felt a deep feral growl escape from the back of my throat as I heard Alana whimper at our broken connection. Her eyes then turned, from wanting –to pleading.

"Please, Master Severus," she whispered, never taking her eyes off of me.

Honestly, that was all that I needed. But I found myself losing it with her next words:

"Please hold me,"

Throwing every bit of caution I had left to the wind, I captured her lips in mine once more. As I resumed kissing her senseless, her hands found their way again towards the waistband of my pants. I groaned as I felt her release my straining erection with surprising dexterity.

Damn. I had never felt so wanted in my entire life. I strained to pull away from her sweet lips as I began to explore the delicate crevice of her neck. A soft moan escaped her lips as I located that sensitive spot of her pulse point and sucked on it lightly. My arms then started to quiver –it could have been from supporting my weight on top of her for far too long – but it was actually more from the light brushes her frail fingers were giving my exposed manhood.

"Don't be afraid," I found myself breathing heavily into her ear as I guided her hand towards my erection. I almost bucked my hips toward her as she gripped it tightly with one hand and began stroking it up and down. As she picked up rhythm, my arms gave way. I was effectively pinning her down with the weight of practically my entire body, but she did not seem to mind at all. She kept moving as I tried my hardest to lift my hips off of hers to give her hands access. Once I found the strength to lift myself off of her once more, I chanced upon her eyes once more –there was still that sense of urgency but it was already coupled with what I knew to be blind desire. If anything else, it ignited my own desire even more.

I completely removed myself from on top of her. I saw her about to protest but she kept it to herself as my eyes continuously locked on hers. I quickly removed my pants completely, and once I had successfully tossed it aside, I made my move back towards her.

**010101010**

**A/N: Prrrrt! Hold your horses, people! *Switches to announcer's voice***

**We interrupt your regular programming for a special breaking news:**

**Yes, this is a cliffhanger.**

**No, really, I'm not kidding.**

***Ducks to avoid a barrage of flying objects headed her way***

***Gets hit on the head by one flying camel–colored boot anyway***

**Oww –that really hurts. Well, please tell me what you think of this chapter… then you can all kill me after reviewing (but then again, if you did, you wouldn't know what happens next :P) –Eastwoodgirl**

**P.S. Please don't hate me too much.**


	13. Chapter 13: No She Can't Be Serious

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Yep. I'm back. Nobody tried to kill me for the cliff hanger I left the last time, so…. More cliffhangers! Haha. And yep, still no BETA. So, all mistakes are mine. Enjoy this chapter.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. If the world ends tomorrow, I still won't own Harry Potter. That's the sad truth.**

**Chapter 13: No. She Can't be Serious**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I swallowed nervously as I watched him approach. There was a subdued grace and a subtle ferociousness at the same time in his movement –and of course he was completely naked.

I knew it could have been quite a delayed reaction, but I felt a blush creep up my cheeks. I have never seen a man completely stark naked before. I let my gaze settle on his obsidian eyes to hide my untimely embarrassment but, I only found myself blushing even more. The way his eyes pierced through mine –it was as it he was trying to ravish me with just his glare.

"Alana," he whispered my name huskily as he approached. The sound of his voice was enough to melt what little restraint I had left. When I had started telling him my tale, I certainly did not have any intention of kissing him; I don't know but one look from him led to another and suddenly, I found myself kissing him, touching him, wanting him.

God, I have never wanted anything in my entire life more than I wanted to be next to him.

And now, his eyes –his eyes were on me. The way he looked at me –it was as if I was the only person existing in his world. I still had all of my clothes on but I have never felt so vulnerable more than I did now. I stood up.

"Alana…" he reached out and touched my cheek, gently caressing it –it was like a live wire against my sensitized skin.

"M –master?" I strained to moan. It felt as if I would explode anytime soon. I closed my eyes, waiting for the supernova.

To my surprise, it did not come.

I gently opened my eyes. Master Severus was still staring at me intently with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Master?" I asked quietly, pulling myself closer to him. Every second that I was away from him, felt like an eternity –but he kept a comfortable distance.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked me quietly, his hands toying with the straps of my sundress. I looked up at him.

"I want you."

Those words came out of my mouth –as if somebody else was speaking on my behalf. With those words, I saw the calculated expression in his face change from desire, to confusion, to surprise.

"Alana, I –"

I robbed the protest off of his lips with a well-timed kiss. God, how I was able to work up the courage to do as such, I didn't know. I wasn't drunk or drugged or hypnotized –I don't know where all this bravado was coming from. But one thing was certain for me.

I wanted this. I wanted him.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

The moment our lips touched once more, I got my answer.

Sure, I was straining for release, but I would not want to force a woman. That wasn't me. I stared at Alana's emerald eyes. Surprisingly, I did not see Lily anymore. All I saw was fire, want, need… and something else that I couldn't quite figure out what. I did not know her reasons but I was not focused on that anyway. All I knew was that we both needed and wanted this.

I was completely bare, so I made a quick work of her tiny dress. I gently but swiftly eased the straps off of her delicate shoulders and made a quick work of the zipper at the back. It fell onto the floor like a puddle of light green silk.

I knew it wasn't the first time I've seen her like this, but it was the first time that I could actually pause and take everything in. I pulled away from her and just let my eyes roam.

"You –are –beautiful," I had managed to say. She was far more than that, but my coherent speech was already overruled by my heightened arousal. With a low groan, I found myself drawn to her body once more. As I once again devoured her lips, my hands worked to rid of the rest of her delicate, lacy undergarments. As I did, my lips graced each part of her as it came exposed, eliciting soft cries of delight from her pretty lips; the sound of which, only excited me more.

Then suddenly, I felt a strong sense of urgency. I moved my lips and hands away from her.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

Just when I thought that all the wonderful sensations his expert fingers and lips were giving me would never end, he stopped.

I was sore and wet all over, and every bit of me ached for him –his caresses, his kisses, his ministrations.

I searched his eyes for an explanation. To my surprise, there was that hint of uncertainty in them.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I don't want to hurt her.

I knew what I wanted and what she wanted from me at that point. But…

My thoughts flashed back to the first night when I took her innocence away… and that night she tended to me, Then I stared at the woman in front of me.

Could I be right?

She must've sensed my hesitance as she leaned in and grabbed my hand.

"Please," she whispered ever so gently. If anything, that just confused me more. I closed my eyes briefly to calm my nerves. But before I could even ponder on her words, she spoke once more.

"I –I love you, Severus…"

My eyes shot up.

Merlin.

I stared at her emerald irises once more. There was still that hint of longing, desire, need and want –then, there was again that unrecognizable look that I couldn't figure out a while ago…

Love?

No. She can't be serious…

But before I could even think about it, Alana was suddenly back to teasing my lips with hers. I was a very patient man, but all of my resolve came crashing down as her hands found their way again towards my erection. Each loving stroke sent me a step closer over the edge –she did pick up information quickly; I found myself moaning and melting with her every move. As she gave my hardened cock a firm but gentle squeeze, all logical thoughts left my brain.

With a growl, I pushed her back down the sofa and parted her long legs. I can't hold it in any longer.

I had to be in her.

With a firm, swift thrust, I was already feeling the warmth of the core of her slick folds. I heard a slight whimper escape her lips as I started to fill her in. As I pull away slightly to brace myself for the second thrust, I felt her fingers dig into the back of my neck. With that second thrust, I was already filling in her tightness completely. I glanced at her face. Her eyes were closed; she was biting her lips; a couple of tear drops ran along the sides of her face. I was worried that I had taken her roughly again. To my utter relief and surprise, she opened her eyes and gave me a smile.

"It –it doesn't hurt as –as much," she said quietly in a quivering voice as she pulled me closer for a kiss. I took that as a cue to move faster, to bring us to the immediate release we both needed.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

After I gave him that smile, all the initial pain I felt within me started to melt away. I closed my eyes as he began jolting his hips forward in long powerful, frenzied strokes. I then found my body arching up to meet his every thrust. It was a well- choreographed routine that my master need not teach me at all.

With every thrust, he went deeper; and as he went deeper, he pushed harder. And just when I thought I would already lose my sanity, I felt the walls of my core tighten around him –my knees started to shake madly and my legs felt like butter as a wonderful sensation coursed through my entire body –the explosion finally came. I opened my eyes and met my master's obsidian ones. I felt him buck his hips violently one last time as a deep grunt escaped his throat.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I stared at her emeralds as I went over the edge.

I felt her walls clamping down on my cock as I reached the peak of my ecstasy. A low moan escaped her lips, as did mine, as we both climaxed and came in tandem. A powerful rush of bliss and relief overcame me as I felt my erection relax after emptying my load deep within her core.

Exhaustion arrived next as I collapsed on top of her with my arms giving way. My face was buried in her lush raven hair as the last remains of arousal left my body. I could hear her breathing and her heart beat slowdown gradually as did mine.

Merlin.

We were tangled in that position for about a couple of minutes –and all the while, all that went through my head was _'What the heck did just happen?'_

When I began to feel my limbs once more, I gently eased my sweat-soaked body off of her. My breathing was still labored but I could already speak once more. I glanced at the woman in front of me; her eyes were closed. At one point, I thought that she was already too tired and that she fell asleep.

"Alana?" I called her name softly. She opened her eyes and smiled serenely.

Was that joy? Relief? Satisfaction in her face? Then, I suddenly remembered her words earlier… that look in her face as she said it… I immediately pushed myself off of her completely.

No. She can't be serious.

She must've sensed the confliction in my mind as she expressly stood up. She grabbed her dress and quickly slipped it on as I re-did the zipper of my pants. By the time I was done putting my shirt back on, she was already redressed, sitting on the sofa, biting her lips. Her hair was a mess, her dress slightly askew, her lips were swollen, he legs were stained with a bit of blood and cum. I took a deep breath as I sat from across her.

What now, do I say?

I clenched my fists as I cursed myself inwardly. I had to know. I had to ask.

"Alana, I-"

"I love you," she cut me off, her eyes were directly in front of me, her lips moving ever so slowly.

Good lord. She did not just say that.

My mouth dropped low; I must've sat there gaping for an eternity.

"Can –do –do you – feel the –the same –way?" Her voice was barely a whisper but I thought she was louder than a herd of rampaging hippogriffs.

My heart skipped a beat. Or two.

No. She can't seriously be…

I just stared at her –not knowing what to say or what to do –like my brain completely stopped functioning altogether.

"Sev –M –master?"

A pregnant pause ensued. My mind screamed at me to say something –anything. Instead, I just sat there, effectively mute. I ran my fingers uncharacteristically through my messed up hair. I was at a loss. Time stood still for a while –until Alana stood up to leave. I had wanted to kick myself –to get up and stop her –but my body would not cooperate. I just looked on as she moved towards the hall. But just right before she disappeared from my line of sight, I thought I heard her whisper:

"I'm sorry, I can never be Lily,"

That got me off the couch.

"What –did you say?"

**010101010**

**A/N: If this felt to you like a rough roller coaster ride, you are not alone. The Martians have overtaken my brain the night that I was writing this. I tried to chop it and edit it here and there but it wouldn't budge. The Martians had threatened to use EMP to fry my hard drive, so, if I made your head and elsewhere hurt, I apologize greatly. I am my worst critic. But if you think, you can help me fix my issue with the Martians, please feel free to drop me a review.**

**Oh yeah, let's try something else. The ****first five people to drop me a review**** with the ****correct number of times I have used the word "EYES" in this chapter****, gets to suggest something for the upcoming chapters (like what color Alana's shirt would be, a name of an OC or anything that you may want to see happen –of course within bounds of my plot line). The ****very first one to do so can get a one-shot written and dedicated to them**** (any characters, any pairing, and any genre –as long as it is within the Harry Potter or Glee fandoms). So yeah, start counting and reviewing. Remember, the number has to be correct. You may be the first but if it isn't the right number, you don't get to suggest.**

**Until next time - Eastwoodgirl**


	14. Chapter 14: You Are Not Alone

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: I got a new dog. I named him Snarry. Seriously. But that's just about it.**

**Chapter 14: You Are Not Alone**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

"I'm sorry, I can never be Lily," I whispered to myself as I slipped out of the room.

Maybe that was it. In my mind, I had wanted to be Lily in his eyes… to show him… for him to love me back.

Oh God, what is happening to me? How could I stoop down so low as to use my wiles to get something I so desperately wanted?

I had just wanted right then and there to disappear into my room –to salvage whatever was left of my shattered ego. But it was not to be that easy.

"What –did you say?" a cool baritone asked. I turned to face the owner of that voice. Master Severus was on his feet, his fists clenched on the sides of his body.

"M –Master?" I asked uncertainly. Surely, he did not hear me? I had said what I did in my head, right? But one look at his face told me otherwise; I froze in my spot.

"How do you –know about Lily?" Master Severus said in a calculated voice.

"Master, I –"

"How do you know –what do you know about Lily?" His obsidian eyes gave me a piercing glare. That quickly shut off my ability to string together coherent words.

"You –I –you, I mean –"

He started to move towards me in that swift and dangerous manner I've last seen him do that night by the bathroom. I closed my eyes as he approached me, waiting.

"Never. Speak. Of. Her. Again." Came a stiff voce. I opened my eyes in surprise; I had expected him to question me some more, yell at me even –but he didn't. When my eyes met his, he just looked away, pushed past me and headed for his rooms. I held my breath until after I heard a loud bang –the sound of his door closing.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I did not get to eat lunch that day…

Or dinner for that matter.

I had painstakingly planned that day in my mind.

But nothing ever went right.

I do not know what time it was, but it was already dark outside –not that I really cared. Since I came in the room, I lay on my bed staring up at the hangings of my four=poster, unmoving; but my mind was running around in circles. If I was feeling twisted a while ago, I now felt as if I was turned inside-out.

'_I love you, Severus…'_

No. She did not just say that.

'_I can never be Lily…'_

She definitely did not.

I sighed as I sat up. I'm definitely not going to get some sleep that day –might as well be productive. I eased myself out of my room and down the hall, trying to make as little noise as possible. I decided to just catch up on my reading so I headed for the library. I casually pushed the door open, planned for a quiet time alone with a good book to take my mind off of things. But as soon as the door creaked open, I realized that nothing really went my way that day.

Alana stood in the middle of the room, her face tensed as she held her ebony wand. She was back in her uniform of a fitted shirt and tight jeans; her hair was back up in a bun, exposing he delicate swan-like neck. She had books all around her in varying stages of disarray. Her concentration was intense as she did not even notice my presence. I had wanted to just turn back and return to my room, but my feet felt like lead. I stood frozen in that spot as I watched her twirl her wand in a large figure eight and gave it a jab.

"Accio, book!"

A faint purple glow issued from her wand and surrounded a nearby book as it flew towards her outstretched arms. A smile graced Alana's lips as the book touched her hand.

"Impressive," I blurted out before I could even stop myself. That certainly broke my concentration. She dropped the heavy volume in her surprise.

"M-master," she gasped, her eyes wide. "I –I was just practicing," she glanced at the orderly mess around her. "I'm sorry, I'll clean it up," She then began to pick up books by her hand and stuff them back in the shelves. I cleared my throat as I approached her. She stopped what she as doing and looked at me.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I looked up at Master Severus as he drew out his wand. I had been practicing the Summoning charm since after lunch and I was just beginning to get the hang of it. I did not notice the time or his presence.

"Impressive," I heard that familiar cold baritone, and my concentration faltered. AS I began to clean up the mess I've made. Master Severus cleared his throat. I stopped what I was doing as h stepped forward with his wand.

"Watch," he said, as he jabbed his wand backward and made a reverse figure eight in the air. "Reddo!" A flash of blue light shot out of his own ebony wand and all the books that were on the floor flew back to their respective shelves all at once. My face must've registered awe at what he did without me knowing it, for when Master Severus looked back at me, he said,

"Just do the reverse; it is no rocket science,"

I furrowed my brows; Not because of his neutral tone, but because of the "muggle" phrase 'rocket science'. I have always thought that wizards do not know much of the non-magical world based on the stories my master would tell me when we'd do our lessons before. Well, he must've read my thoughts.

"My father was a muggle," he said quietly, as if answering the unasked question in my head. He spoke in a manner that was like barely a whisper –still, every word was clear and defined. What he revealed to me came as a shock but I did not know what to say to him, so I remained silent. He walked towards a couple of couches that were in the room ad sat down on one. I just looked at him as he did. But when he saw me, he motioned for me to take the seat opposite him. After taking a deep breath, I sat down. Master Severus stared at me, as if trying to figure out what to say next. His fathomless black irises pierced right through me –it was as if he could see right through my very soul. I averted my eyes. It was a rather uncomfortable feeling, especially right after what had happened earlier that day. A few minutes of silence passed, with me hearing nothing but my heartbeat. Then after what felt like forever, he spoke to me once more.

"My father –was not a good man. He would hurt me and my mother when he would get drunk."

I swear, I saw him flinch when he had said this, but I did not comment. I sat quietly as he continued.

"My mother –she was a brilliant witch. Her only fault was falling in love –with the wrong guy." He gave me a look. I held his gaze. He sighed.

"She was disowned by her family when she had married my muggle father. Since then, she began to lose heart at magic. My father hated magic as well and he would treat my mother badly because she was 'not normal'. He would say that the only reason he got together with her was because she –she was a good lay."

I picked up the subtle break in his voce. I bit my lip as he spoke on.

"Father never did get a regular job. He would get one and find himself without it just a few days after. My mother would make potions for patrons on the sly to ensure that we had food on the table; It wasn't a pleasant life. When I was seven, I remembered how they would always fight about money and magic –and it would always end up with Mother getting beaten up and Father abandoning us for days. One time, when I was eleven –I was just about to start at Hogwarts, I walked in on them, arguing. Father was about to hit Mother with a walking stick. I got in between them to shield my mother from the blow. But instead of him stopping, he hit me even harder, calling me, his own son, a freak –" Master Severus closed his eyes. I could see the knuckles on both of his hands turn white as he gripped his robes.

"I –I was different. I have always felt alone, especially since after my mother had died in my fifth year and my father completely abandoned me not long after. I never really had friends until I –" He then stopped, as if trying to change the topic in his mind; he shook his head. I knew what he was trying to avoid mentioning.

Lily.

I heaved a heavy sigh as I stood up from my seat and crossed the gap between us. Master Severus still had his eyes closed. I knelt in front of him and grabbed his hands. He looked at me.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I do not know what has gotten into me. Nobody knew the story of my life, especially my childhood in all its entirety.

Not even…

I sighed as I closed my eyes. I couldn't even bring myself to talk about her. I'm at a loss as to why I was suddenly opening up to Alana. I shook my head.

Then all of a sudden, I felt soft hands gripping my own. Alana. She knelt in front of me, he eyes staring up at me in concern.

Concern, yes. For once someone looked at me, not with pity or hate or indifference. I found myself drowning in those emerald irises that radiated calm –as if all in the world was right.

At that point, I had wanted to just hold her hand and not let go. But for some reason, I couldn't just stay put. I pulled my hands away from her. She stood up, surprised, as I pushed past against her and towards the door. AS I gripped the door handle, she spoke.

"You are not alone,"

I halted and took a deep breath before turning to look back at her. She stood at the same spot where I've left her. She took a deep breath.

"I will never leave you alone," she whispered.

I had wanted to say something to that –but the way she had said those words –with so much concern, with so much conviction, with so much certainty – I found myself at a loss for words. She took a step towards me but no more.

"I –I'm not like your father, or your mother,"

She was at it again with that tone. What was she doing? And how was she able to make me feel –comforted?

After what had just happened between the two of us?

She took another step towards me.

"I –I'm not like… Lily,"

I swallowed hard and turned away from her. I grabbed the door handle once more.

"No, definitely not." I said quietly as I let myself out of the library, more confused than ever.

**01010101010**

**A/N: I just felt like ending it there… I don't know. And to those who were wondering, the magic "EYES" number is… 18! Yay! Congratulations to ****lucyjoan! You've won yourself a one-shot. Just PM me for the details.**** In the meantime, please tell me what you think about this chapter. Can I get like, 5 more reviews before my next update? Pretty please? Thanks! -Eastwoodgirl**


	15. Chapter 15:It All Starts to Go Downhill

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: I apologize for the long wait –life got in the way of me updating this and my other stories. But I'm so happy to see many of you adding this to your favorites and alerts… but three reviews on the last chapter? Seriously? Anyhow, I do hope to get more for this one. Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: 14 chapters ago, I did not own Harry Potter. Seriously, what makes you think that I would own it by now?**

**Chapter 15: Where It All Starts to Go Downhill**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I did not see him that following morning, not after he walked out of the library. Master Severus was really an enigma; one moment, he lets his emotions out, and then another, he clams up completely. I shook my head as I went through the rest of my chores for that day. I ate breakfast and lunch by myself. Afterwards, I decided to take a shower and stay in my room for the rest of the afternoon until it was time to make dinner; I knew that I was scheduled for an afternoon Charms lesson that day, but following what had happened yesterday and early that morning, I doubt that I would be seeing, let alone, talking to Master Severus soon. After slipping into my tight faded denim jeans and dark green sleeveless blouse, I decided to pick up my paintbrush and take up where I've left my artwork the last time. My sketch was already complete and the background of black paint was already dry. I reached for my tube of green paint and squeezed a dollop on my easel. I dipped my brush in it and was about to take it across my canvass when I heard the door across the hall open and then close.

I let out a deep sigh.

I guess we were back to avoiding each other once more.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

After I left the library, I went straight to my room –I did not care come out anymore after the exchange that happened between Alana and I. After closing the door to my room, I immediately headed for my armoire –a stack of boxes were on top of each other, neatly piled –reminders of things I'd rather forget but cannot escape completely. I held my breath as it creaked open.

No, I'd rather not.

As I was about to shut it close once more, something caught my eye.

Neatly laid on top of the boxes was a photograph. A photograph that I was sure to not leave its confines at the very bottom of the pile of boxes.

I let out a deep breath that I was holding, trying not to think about it much. I closed my eyes as I attempted to push away the feelings that were building up inside of me –I left the old photograph as it was as I made my way towards my bed. I relaxed my back against the soft mattress.

I do not know how many hours I have managed to sleep but, I woke up to excruciating pain coming from my left arm –it has been long enough that I was not called by the Dark Lord; I certainly did not want to b the last one to arrive now. I jumped off my bed and hurriedly grabbed my robes and mask. I stormed out of my room, not even minding the fact that I was intending to neither avoid a certain someone nor attract her attention in the process of doing so. As soon as I was out of the front door and out of my wards, I touched the Dark Mark on my inner arm and was immediately brought to where the Dark Lord was.

I almost tripped on an exposed branch of an elm tree as I landed in what looked like a thickly forested area. I quickly brushed off the dirt that was on my robes as I straightened myself. The sun was just about to set.

"Ah, pleased that you could make it, Severus," the Dark Lord hissed as I warily walked towards the already assembled congregation.

I was the last to arrive. Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if the Dark Lord deliberately calls someone last just to spite them.

"I am most honored that you have called me to this gathering, My Lord," I prostrated myself before him as I let my lips brush the hem of his robes. The Dark Lord gave me a macabre smile as I stood up afterwards.

"You may all leave," he hissed. I furrowed my brows. I had just arrived, didn't I? The Dark Lord must've sensed my confusion for he spoke once more.

"All of you, except for my most faithful, Severus Snape," A chorus of murmurs rang throughout the group as they one by one, disapparated, leaving me alone in the Dark Lord's presence. I suppressed a shudder as the Dark Lord approached me, his eyes red and snake-like.

"Dear, dear, Severus," he began in that cold, biting tone. "How have you been?"

Carefully maintaining my mental shields, I scoffed inwardly. AS if I would be one to tell the Dark Lord my trials, tribulations and innermost thoughts. I bowed my head as I forced out a reply.

"Well, my Lord,"

I swear, I saw him smile again after that.

" I trust that your –**servant** has been doing **right** by you?" he asked in what I could consider as a suggestive tone. I looked over to the Dark Lord.

"Well enough my Lord," Honestly, what else was I supposed to say to him? His red eyes shone.

"Good, Severus. Then you wouldn't have any problems with what I would ask you to do," he then began to pace around me. In my mind, I was already imagining about a thousand horrible things that he could make me do, concerning Alana. It had to be about her, right? Or why else would he ask me about her? As my mind churned out every possible scenario after the other, I did not notice myself silently hoping that the Dark Lord does not ask me to do anything to hurt her. Inside, my head was in turmoil –but outside, I maintained my calm façade –I stood still and in complete silence, shutting down my desire to question the Dark Lord regarding his demand of me. But minutes passed and he had done nothing but pace and look at me as if daring me to ask. I swallowed the bile forming in my throat. I took a deep breath.

"May I know what you need of me and my servant, My Lord?"

The Dark Lord stopped pacing.

Then silence came on.

I began counting the seconds until the twisted wizard would hit me with an Unforgivable. As I approached the 60-second mark though, he spoke to me once more.

"I have no use of your servant Severus. I was merely inquiring if she met your needs."

I heaved a sigh of relief. Alana was out of the woods. But something tells me that I would not like what this dark wizard in front of me would ask me to do anyway. I questioned him further.

"Then, may I know what you need of me my Lord?"

He turned his back against me.

"A month from now, on Halloween, you will accompany me Severus," He then turned around and locked his eyes on mine. "On –an excursion, if you must say," he then bore his teeth in what I think could be considered as another evil smile. I held my breath.

"My Lord?"

The Dark Lord laughed –if you could call it that –at what could have been a troubled expression gracing my face; it was a rare occurrence, if I do say so myself: both his laughter and my troubled expression. I shook my head mentally as I tried to recover.

"It is a most pleasant news, I assume, my Lord?" I inquired, blindly egging him on to break the news already. What could cause the Dark Lord to be in such a –jovial mood?

"But of course, Severus," he started pacing around me once more. After what felt like forever, he stopped.

"I have found the Potters."

My brain and heart stopped functioning altogether.

Found?

The Potters?

Potters… Lily?

Lily? My Lily?

"Wha – How?" I thought I had said that last word in my mind alone, but a quick glance at the Dark Lord told me otherwise. I expected a 'Crucio' for my insolent tone but to my surprise, he just went on and answered me.

"Why, a rat told me, of course, Severus. I have my ways. The same rat of course, has informed me of your meeting with the old coot."

At that point, I knew all of my walls came crashing down –and that my face was betraying every emotion that I felt: dread, disbelief, pain… but I couldn't care any less. I looked at the Dark Lord.

"My Lord, I –"

Words failed me for once in front of him.

"I will not take a rat's word over yours Severus. You are my most faithful, I'd like to think. All are but rumors, until I see it with my very eyes."

My eyes shot up as he continued. What was going on? Wasn't he supposed to kill me now for my betrayal? I cleared my throat.

"I'm afraid that I do not comprehend what you are trying to convey, My Lord,"

The Dark Lord squinted, and gave me a piercing glare.

"Are you truly faithful to me Severus?"

My heart stopped beating.

Was he really asking me?

"Y-yes, my Lord," I had managed to lie, trying to hide the quiver in my voice. I held allegiance to no one. No one except…

"Then, you will give me a good reason why you are speaking to Albus Dumbledore regarding the Potters?"

It felt as if a second wave of shock went through my entire body – I quickly formed an answer in my head. It was something I had been contemplating about long before I had even decided to speak with Dumbledore. I put on a straight face.

"I figured out that I could gain useful information if I presented myself as – as a spy, My Lord."

The Dark Lord's face remained stoic. I again waited for the customary 'Crucio' coming from one of his blow-ups, but it did not come at all. He just continued staring at me.

"You will prove your loyalty to me Severus. You will watch as I murder the Potter brat." He paused. "And his parents."

The world stopped spinning.

"My –Lord?" I stammered.

NO. This isn't happening.

But the Dark Lord wasn't finished yet.

"Or better yet, I will let you kill his parents."

No! No! No!

"My Lord, I –" I knew my face was already a complete mess by that point. The twisted feeling inside me was clearly reflected on my expression. But the Dark Lord merely smiled.

"Surely, Severus, you do not care for James Potter?" he teased. "He was the bane of your existence when you went to Hogwarts." He started to pace around me once more. "And that **mudblood** who broke your heart, surely, you don't care for her anymore? Not when you are doing well with your servant that I have graciously given you?"

I stared at him.

"Please, my Lord, anything but Lily Evans. I will do anything but please spare her life," I said in a pleading tone. The Dark Lord looked surprised.

"Lily Potter, you mean? Why Severus, I thought that after I gave you that half-blood–"

"I do not care for the half-blood!" I yelled without even thinking about it. The Dark Lord's face screwed up into a look of pure fury.

"You dare raise your voice against me, Severus?"

"I, no, my Lord, I apologize," I quickly bowed my head as the he approached.

"CRUCIO!"

Pain coursed through me yet again but I couldn't care any less. My mind was on over drive. I would endure an endless barrage of the Cruciatus Curse if it would mean that I could keep Lilly safe. The cruse lasted for as long as I could remember. My breath was already coming in deep pants when the Dark Lord finally lifted it.

"Never. Raise. Your. Voice. Against. Me. Again. Severus!"

"Yes –yes, my Lord," I croaked out. I slumped on the floor as my shaking knees gave way. "Please, my Lord, surely you need not kill Lily Evans. I –I will kill James Potter for you, even their brat, but please –"

"I shall be the one to kill the brat." The Dark Lord spoke in a calculated voice. "If that mere babe was prophesized to be the destruction of me –I shall see to his. But James Potter, shall be yours, my faithful Servant. Lily Potter –"

"Please, my Lord," I begged once more. "Anything –"

The Dark Lord stared at me, disbelieving.

"I do not know what you see in that mudblood. However, let it not be told that the Dark Lord does not reward his most faithful. I may be deemed evil, but I am fair. I will give you the mudblood witch –"

"Thank you, my Lord –"

" -in exchange for the half-blood whore's life."

**010101010**

**A/N: I know that there's not much Sev/Alana interaction on this one, but this was an important interlude to move our story forward. I know Voldie seemed a bit too OOC but this is what I imagined that had transpired when Severus begged for Lily's life. Anyhow, the next chapter will bring us the much needed action (wink, wink) we need. So… reviews? It will make me want to post the next chapter sooner. Until next time -Eastwoodgirl**

**P.S. The one-shot that lucyjoan won is also already up! She's asked me to do a Draco/OC. It's entitled Broken, Empty Shell. Please do check it out. Thanks.  
><strong>


	16. Chapter 16: Voices

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter and its characters. I just make then writher in pain and agony. (Insert evil laugh) XD**

**A/N: Thank you for all your reviews, favorites and alerts. I am overwhelmed with the support that this story is getting. Enjoy this chapter. :)**

**Chapter 16: Voices**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

It was a quarter past six when I had laid my paint brush down. Time to start dinner. I proceeded to the kitchen whilst thinking about what to make. Master Severus left a few hours ago and he has yet to come back. I sighed as I rummaged through the pantry cabinet; chances are, I'd be eating dinner alone. Again. Nonetheless, I decided to make enough food for both of us.

I heaved a heavy pot of water on top of the stove to boil pasta with; I'd use my wand but I had decided against it. After all, I wouldn't want an accident. It was better to leave my newly developed magical prowess for things that couldn't explode –like summoning books and putting them back –until I get proper training and enough practice.

I then took out a knife and began chopping up roasted red bell peppers, squash and olives. The water in the pot was already softly boiling by the time I finished chopping. I drizzled in some olive oil and dunked a fistful of uncooked spaghetti. Afterwards, I began heating up another pan to cook the peppers with. My sauce was simmering in about 10 minutes. I took a spoon and tasted it –it was okay, but I thought I was missing something. I then, went to the cabinet where the spices were kept. There were those that I recognized: sage, rosemary, thyme, star anise, clove –I use them all the time. But it wasn't those that I was looking for. I was about to close the cabinet once more and just forget it, when something I did not notice before caught my eye.

It was an unfamiliar sprig of dried herbs –the leaves were flat and tiny and it vaguely smelled like peppermint. My head was telling me not to touch the foreign herb –for who knows what it is and what it does –but one sniff of the dried sprig told me that it was just what the peppers needed to give it a little kick. So, against my common sense, I took the sprig, chopped it up finely, and sprinkled it all over the simmering sauce. Five minutes later, my pasta dish was served up in two matching plates. It was already seven o'clock in the evening by the time I sat on my chair. Earlier, I had this but feel that I would be eating dinner alone –I was right. By half-past seven, I was shoveling forkfuls of pasta in my mouth half-heartedly. It was good –I made a good call of adding the herb in the last minute –but I wasn't just in the mood to eat. By eight P.M., I was feeling sleepy already. I pushed my half-eaten plate away from me as I stood up to clear the table. But before I could even fully upright myself, a wave of dizziness and nausea overcame me. My vision then began to spin. I clutched the table for support but, it was to be of no use. I felt as if something heavy hit my head as I began to lose the feeling of my limbs. A few more seconds, everything turned black and I knew no more.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

To say that I feel fucked up is an understatement.

As soon as the Dark Lord touched my mark to send me on my way, I began cursing the man in ways that I never knew existed before.

Who does he think he is?

How does he decide that one life is worth another?

How dare he make **me** choose?

'_**In a month's time, Severus, you shall give me your word… your mud blood witch or your half-blood whore…'**_

How dare he!

Merlin!

I threw the glass of the scotch that I was holding against the nearest wall.

"Bloody hell, Severus, that's the third one in the last hour –your seventh total!" Aberforth, the barman and owner of Hogs Head exclaimed. "Are you sure you are well, son?"

"I'm not your son!" I bellowed. "Do not address me as such!"

"Easy there," Aberforth gave me an uneasy smile. "Tell you what, stop throwing glasses against the wall and I'll leave you be." He slid another glass of scotch across the bar, towards me. I grabbed it and emptied its contents in one gulp. It burned my throat but I did not care at all. I eyed the old man pointedly. I slid the glass back towards him. But before it could even reach his hands, I took out my wand.

"Reducto!"

Shards of broken glass flew all over the place as Aberforth ducked behind the table. I tossed a galleon on the counter top as I left without another word. By the time I was already out of that dreaded establishment, I blindly apparated.

A few seconds later, I found myself right outside the edge of my wards – the last place I'd be in right then if I had a say on it. I was about to turn back and go somewhere else when a blinding headache came on. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. I wouldn't make it anywhere in one piece I this condition. I sighed as I entered my property. Who knows? Maybe my housemate was asleep already –then I can make it to my room with my sanity intact.

The scotch had quickly made a work of me. My hands were already shaking as I pushed the front door open.

I was greeted by eerie silence.

Great. Just great.

I was about to head to my room, making as little noise as possible, when I suddenly remembered that I had left my hangover potion by the kitchen sink, the last time that I had used it. It was in a cabinet above the sink to be exact.

I let out a deep sigh as I edged my way towards the kitchen, all the while clutching the walls to support my shaky legs. It took me a full minute to get the area from the sitting room.

But upon reaching it, it only took me a split-second to realize that there was something wrong.

I let my hazy vision fall upon the dining table; it was set for two, the smell of roasted red bell peppers and garlic greeted my nose –on any given day, that would have been appetizing, but my alcohol-laced stomach said otherwise.

But that wasn't what's wrong in the picture.

Alana must've prepared all of these, but where was she? And she'd already gone to bed, why hasn't this been cleared up?

Another wave of pain coursed through my head as I fought down an urge to suddenly wreak havoc. I brought a hand to my face and closed my eyes as I tried to steady myself. By the time I wasn't feeling as nauseous again, I removed my hand and opened my eyes.

That was when I finally saw it.

Alana was passed out on the floor, face up, her skin deathly pale, and beads of sweat formed around her hairline.

That sight of her was more potent than any hang-over potion I could have ever conceived. With all thoughts of my scotch-induced predicament forgotten, I made a dash towards her unconscious form. I immediately checked for a pulse as I knelt down next to her.

Weak. Very weak.

I felt my own, stop completely.

"Alana," my voice shook as I tried calling her name to see if she would awaken. She didn't. I started to make a move to grab my wand and try to levitate her to a more comfortable position –but I had decided against it. I pushed one arm under her head and brought my other arm underneath her jean-clad knees. I took a deep breath as I lifted her in my arms –she was surprisingly lighter than what I had expected but her body was also surprisingly stone-cold to the touch.

I knew I had no time to waste.

I practically ran all the way towards my room and settled her down in the middle of my bed. She had never looked more fragile as she did now on the large mattress. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I still needed to find out what had happened to her. I took out my wand and ran a quick diagnostic spell –her body was immediately aglow with a dark violet light, instead of the normal soft blue. That is except for her midsection, which was bathed with a soft, yellow glow.

I racked my head for every medi-wizard training information I had stored in there.

Dark violet… dark violet light means…

Merlin, no… no!

She had been poisoned.

My mind went on overdrive as I ran all the way back towards my lab. I didn't even think of how it could have happened anymore. I threw the door open and rummaged through boxes of potions ingredients. I still had to take a blood sample to determine the exact poison –and from there, create an antidote –but I was running out of time. Who knows how long has it been since she was poisoned? What if…

No Severus, don't even go there, She will not… I won't let it happen.

After what felt like forever, I ran back towards my room clutching a bezoar in one hand and a glass vial in another. I had to take the blood sample before I administer the bezoar. I hastily murmured a spell to draw blood directly into the vial, I thought I saw her face scrunch up a little as the small container filled up with thick, crimson liquid. I had to act fast. As soon as I had my sample, I took the bezoar. With trembling fingers, I gently pried her lips open and stuffed the small stone under the roof of her mouth; The bezoar would only act as a first-aid though –it will slow down the progress of the toxic substance, but I still need to process an antidote to full remove the effects of the poison, whatever it is. I waited a few seconds then I re-cast the diagnostic spell.

It was still violet, except for her midsection, but not as dark as it was a little while ago. I removed the diagnostic charm and cast a monitoring spell in place of it; It would alert me should… should her vitals fail…

No, Severus, don't even think about it. Just move!

As soon as the monitor was in place, I sprinted back to my lab and emptied half of the blood sample in an idle cauldron. I immediately lit a fire underneath it. I grabbed a bottle of snake bile; I calculated in my head –it would take me approximately half an hour to unmask the unknown poison in the blood by using the snake bile. Then, depending on how complex it was, an hour to a full day, or even longer to brew the appropriate antidote. No, I can't afford that much time. I cursed as I threw the bottle that I was holding aside. I can't afford to lose my composure now. Not when Alana's life was in jeopardy. I took a deep breath to calm myself down –That was when I was hit by a sudden thought.

I rushed outside towards the dining area where the food was still out. I gingerly took a sample of the pasta and tea that were on the table before I vanished the rest of it. The tea looked and smelled normal as I closely examined it. I shifted my attention to the pasta.

There was again that mouth-watering smell of roasted red bell peppers, garlic and a hint of something sweet -probably honey – olive oil, paprika… and a minty smell that I couldn't quite place. I took a tiny amount of the sauce and rubbed it against the inside of my cheek. It tasted good –but I immediately spat it out.

I then hurriedly went and looked through the cabinet where I kept the spices and made a quick inventory.

I paled.

God no, not the false mint!

I wanted to scream at myself for my carelessness. Of course. I had to leave it out here where Alana could actually mistake it for a cooking herb!

I ran back towards my lab and immediately began pulling bottles off of the shelves as I cursed in every language that I knew under my breath.

False mint did not look like mint leaves at all –it was more similar-looking to tarragon; but it got its name from the minty aroma it releases once it dries. It was customarily used for more potent headache remedies and had to be used in small amounts, diluted in a cooled potion base –subjecting it to heat causes the dried leaves to release a moderately fast-acting toxin that was poisonous when ingested. Cooking with it was definitely a big mistake.

"Merlin, what was she thinking?" I muttered frustratedly under my breath as I began crushing dried nettle leaves into fine powder and added it to the simmering base of the essence of St. John's Wort and daisy roots. Once I was done with that, I reached for a couple of frog livers and dropped them whole into the concoction. From a pallid green, it immediately turned into a deep orange color. I sighed. Now, I just had to wait for it to cool down and turn into a pale peach color. I turned off the fire; good thing, the process would only take five more minutes. I used the time to check up n Alana. The monitor was still up. Her vitals were still weak but stable.

I went back to my lad to bottle the potion.

How can one woman cause me this much trouble?

I carried the antidote back to my room. By then, I hadn't been able to stop myself from staring at Alana's face as I approached the bed.

I remembered the words I gave the Dark Lord.

Did I really not care for her?

I sat by the side of my bed. Ideally, the antidote had to be given within a couple of hours of ingesting false mint –I had no idea how long it has been since she had taken it in.

I sighed as I spelled the potion directly into her stomach. After which, I waited a full two minutes to see if it gave the desired effect. I crossed my fingers as I removed the monitoring spell and re-cast the diagnostic charm once more.

Please don't let it be too late…

**010101010**

**A/N: Dun dun dun dun! If all of you killed me for every cliff hanger I've ever left, I would probably be an extra-concentrated ghost right now.**

***Sheepish grin***

**Well, please do let me know how I did. Can I get like 5 more reviews for this chapter? Pretty please?**

**-Eastwoodgirl**


	17. Chapter 17: No Way

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm now a proud owner of a garden snake named Seb (or in crude parseltongue, Ssssseb). But, Harry Potter remains still, with Jo Rowling. Except Dobby, he's a free elf and belongs to no one.**

**A/N: A special shout out (I really don't do this…) to my favorite reviewer and soon-to-be BETA (once we figure out the logistics and such…), ****lucyjoan****. You are the reason this chapter is up (anonymous reviewer 2, ring a bell? XP) Seriously, I got my five reviews because of her. Anyway, to the others, you still have a chance to show me some love… ;) Enjoy this chapter and happy weekend!**

**Chapter 17: No Way**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

The light came up as a soft blue glow.

I sighed as relief washed over me –as did the terrible headache that I thought had left my system completely when I had discovered Alana on the floor earlier.

A sudden desire to close my eyes came next. I glanced back at the woman on my bed and then at the bedroom door. I knew I wouldn't make it to the sofa in the sitting room.

I reached for the wand in my pocket.

It wasn't there.

I then glanced around to check and see where I may have left it off.

Merlin, where is my blasted wand? It was just here a while ago.

I warily eyed the door once more and then the bed… and then the floor.

I sighed for the nth time. I must've dropped it in exhaustion after I cast the diagnostic spell. I made a move to bend over and pick it up, but one uncalculated move nudged the ebony stick farther away from me and caused it to roll under the bed. A sharp pain shot through my head again.

There was no way in Circe's nine circles of hell that I would go down on all fours to retrieve that blasted piece of wood from under there.

'_Just climb in and sleep, Severus! Why are __**you**__ even thinking about it? It's your bed anyway!'_ A voice in my head came on.

'_No, duh! There __**is**__ a woman sleeping on my bed, for-crying-out-loud!'_ another came on.

'_And your point is?'_

'_There's a freaking __**woman in my bed**__! What part of that simple sentence do you not understand?'_

'_Again, your __**point **__is? It's your damn bed, what does she __**care**__?'_

'_**She**__ doesn't, but __**I **__do!'_

'_Look, mister, it's either your bed, next to that pretty-much-knocked-out-until-tomorrow lady, or the cold, hard, and not to mention, unsanitary floor. Your choice!'_

I had wanted to bang my head on something really hard at that point. I was drunk alright –the two arguing voices in my head was a good, solid, undeniable proof of that.

I eyed the bed once more, where, the now sleeping peacefully, Alana lay perfectly still, her breathing even –and then, the carpeted hardwood floor.

Merlin, does everything have to be difficult?

A wave of unfulfilled, slumber-induced pain coursed through me once more. I took one final glance at the bed, then, at the floor…

No. Way.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

The first thing I saw when I had opened my eyes was a very bright light. I tried to lift one hand to shield my eyes from the glare but I found myself unable to do so. It felt as if something heavy was pinning them down. I let out a heavy sigh as I tried to feel the rest of my limbs; everything was hazy. I couldn't even remember a single thing. I closed my eyes once more as I tried to recall what I could.

Paint… easel… Master Severus… pasta… dinner… pain… then, darkness…

My eyes shot right back up.

I passed out on the kitchen floor after dinner, now, I remember.

I then tried to focus my vision. This wasn't the kitchen floor. I seem to be lying on a soft mattress, on my side –my bedroom? How did I even get here?

Wait a minute.

My sheets were white, not emerald green.

But –but if I'm not in my room, then, I must be in…

My head cleared up right then and there.

I slowly craned my head, neck and upper body and took a look around me.

I was in Master Severus' bedroom. In his bed. I took another deep breath as I glanced behind me.

He was right behind me.

I had slept beside him.

I bit my lower lip hard so as not to let myself scream out of shock. I took deep, calming breaths as I surveyed the situation.

Master Severus lay on his side, his right arm, draped lazily across my waist. His face was calm and peaceful; his breathing, even and rhythmic. I glanced further downwards and saw a thick, green comforter covering us both. He seemed to be fully clothed as I was.

I released my lower lip. I closed my eyes once more.

Now, **how** in the world did I get **here**?

I flinched as I felt sudden movement from behind me. The arm that was thrown across my waist pulled me closer. My whole back was suddenly flush against his sturdy chest –he was warm. I took another glance at him –his eyes were still closed.

The logical part of my brain screamed for me to remove his arm from around me and get off the bed, but my body had wanted it differently; A mixture of heaviness and tiredness overcame me.

There was no way that I would move away from the extremely comforting and inviting position. I then just found myself intertwining my right arm with that of his.

It felt just right –like I belonged there right next to him. I did not notice as a smile graced my lips as I pressed my back closer to him.

A few minutes later, I drifted back to sleep, my head and heart feeling considerably lighter.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

The first thing that I had noticed when I woke up was that it felt warm.

Then, thoughts of last night began to flood my brain.

My eyes shot up.

My sight was immediately greeted by a cascade of long, lush, raven hair that smelled heavenly –like vanilla and oranges.

That was I remembered.

I took the bed last night, right next to Alana to sleep off my hang over. I vaguely remembered that I had slept on the far side of the bed –away from her…

So why am I waking up right next to her still slumbering form?

I had wanted to bolt right up and jump off the bed immediately, but I found out that I couldn't. My right arm held me back.

The same arm that I had, probably in the middle of the night, thrown unknowingly around her midsection… the same arm that was now holding her tight against my chest… the very same arm that was now intertwined with hers as I was effectively spooning her from behind.

Merlin.

MY head screamed for me to just yank my hand away from hers and sprint out of the room as quickly as humanly possible.

But I don't know what else was holding me back. To be honest, once the whole shock of me, waking up next to a woman in my bed had worn off… I really can't bring myself to find anything I did not like about the whole situation.

Ugh, Severus. You're really losing it!

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes once more. I liked how warm it feels, having her close to me. I can almost hear her heartbeat; I can smell the wonderful scent of her hair; her body fit right into the hollows that mine had created, perfectly.

At that point, I thought that I could stay like that with her… forever…

Forever.

It was a vague thought that sounded so wonderful in my mind.

But a bitter voice from the back of my head brought me back to the harsh reality.

A month.

I have nothing but a month.

I opened my eyes and glanced at Alana's sleeping form. I carefully untangled my arm from hers and rolled off the bed quietly, so as not to wake her up. I walked around the bed towards her side and just stood there staring.

Her face was serene, unmarred, a small contented smile played on her naturally red lips. She rested her head on one arm as the other was curved right where mine used to be just minutes ago. She slept as if she did not have a care –as if everything in the world was light…

A month.

It will never be enough.

It will never be right.

I clenched my fists as I forced myself not to punch the nearest wall. Instead, I willed myself to continue staring at Alana –until that tranquil image of her, sleeping, burned right through the back of my head.

It was all that I would have left of her after the month is up, I figured.

And Merlin knows how tight I would hold on to that one tiny piece of her in my memory.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

The second time I woke up that day, I was already alone.

I frowned as I carefully turned over to my other side –that part of the sheets was already cold. Master Severus must've awakened ages ago. I sighed as I stood up to tidy the bed –no point in staying there if I was alone.

But as soon as I was on my feet, there was that wave of nausea that I first felt last night, again. It was as if I got squashed by a truck and my stomach now wanted to empty its contents. I clutched my abdomen as I fought the urge to throw up. But as I took my first step, I felt the contents of my stomach suddenly jump up to my throat.

I ran towards the bathroom.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

It was half-past ten in the morning.

I had just finished preparing a late breakfast/ early lunch and I was headed back to my room to check if Alana was already awake, when I saw her run past me, towards the bathroom. She was clutching her stomach with one hand, and covering her mouth with another.

A few moments later, sounds of dry heaving and retching permeated the otherwise quiet air.

I frowned. The antidote I gave her should have already worked and flushed out the poison completely –and certainly, it should not give her an ill after-effect. Did she have allergies that I wasn't aware of?

After a couple of minutes, Alana stepped out of the bathroom looking flushed. But when her teary eyes met mine, she smiled.

She smiled.

I cleared my throat loudly to cover up the awkwardness of that moment.

"Better?" I asked.

"Yes, master," she whispered. "Thank you –"

"Try not to do something stupid next time," I gruffly interrupted. Her smile faltered.

"I'm sorry, master, but –"

"It was the herb –false mint –never touch it again. Ever."

I saw her face turn a very violent shade of red.

"Yes, master. I'm sorry for causing trouble," she bowed her head down. Right then, I felt like kicking myself.

"Just –just don't make me worry again!" I spat out heatedly, before I could even stop myself. Her eyes shot up. I'm pretty sure mine did too.

Oh yes, I definitely wanted to kick myself now. And maybe drown myself in the tub for good measure.

I turned my back on her so as not to give away my inner struggle.

"We shall have a very late breakfast, seeing as we have both woken up late," I said in a curt voice. "The rest of your morning is free until one in the afternoon, after which, we shall resume our lessons." I began to walk away without waiting for a reply. But I haven't even taken a couple of steps when I suddenly felt Alana right behind me.

"Thank you," I heard her muffled voice against my back as she wrapped her arms around me.

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe.

Again, there was nothing that I found wrong or that I did not like in the way our bodies touched.

But that bitter voice in the back of my head would not let me be.

A month.

Lily.

"It will always be Lily… Always."

I thought I had said those last few words in my head alone. But the way Alana stiffened against me, I knew I had unintentionally said it out loud.

"I –I'm sorry," she said as she removed her arms from around me. "I –I'm not feeling well,"

I swear I heard a faint sob not too long after that. Before I could even turn around and check, the door to her room opened and then closed.

**010101010**

**A/N: See? No cliffie this time? I'm not all that bad… Please, please tell me what you think! Can I get 5 reviews from five different people, pretty please? Thank you :) -Eastwoodgirl**


	18. Chapter 18: Blood, Unicorn Tears

**Never Say I Love You**

**Publisher's Notes: Yep. You've read that right. Due to unfortunate circumstances (IV drip and disgusting hospital food), Eastwoodgirl has taken a backseat and has allowed me (with much persuasion coming from me and a certain medical practitioner), Darwin (the best friend, remember me?) to do this for her. She is sitting right behind me, watching with hawk eyes as I put this update out for you, her "dear, lovely readers" (words in quotes are hers). She also "apologizes that it has taken a week before this was out". So, no knives thrown in her direction please. So anyway, here's your "much-awaited next installment of Never Say I Love You". And oh, she also would like to let you know that she was "over the moon regarding the ELEVEN reviews for the previous chapter". And she "Would be happy to get more for this." Okay, this is already ridiculously long (sorry, got carried away). Here's the chapter (unedited as per eastwoodgirl's dictations). Enjoy.**

**DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter Verse belongs to J.K. Rowling. I just kidnap them and play with them for a while. Don't worry; I'll put them back on the shelf once I'm done.**

**WARNING: A bit of Angst. Sorry. It was completely unavoidable.**

**Chapter 18: Blood, Unicorn Tears and Beetle Eyes**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I've never felt more terrible in my entire lifetime than I did right then.

The feeling of nausea had subsided –only to be replaced by that of disgust at myself.

Disgust.

As soon as my bedroom door closed, I let out all of the tears that I've been holding back. I slumped down against the wooden door and cried.

When my mother died, I thought I knew pain.

When those bullies would tease and taunt me, I thought I knew pain.

When my best friend rejected me, I thought I knew pain.

When my adoptive parents were murdered right before my very eyes, I thought I knew pain.

But nothing, nothing, ever prepared me for this.

I used one hand to cover my mouth as a whimper tried to escape my lips.

How –why does it hurt so much?

How can five simple words have that effect on me?

'_**It will always be Lily,'**_

I buried my face in my hands as I let it all out. The whimpers quickly turned into loud sobs.

I cried for myself –for the pain, for the loss of whatever dignity I had left, for the rejection.

I cried for Master Severus.

I cried until it hurt no more.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I froze in my spot as I watched Alana disappear behind her bedroom door.

I knew I had to follow her, say something at the very least; but try as I might, I couldn't push myself to move and walk towards her door. I must've stood there for a while until I could feel my limbs again.

What was that in her voice –disappointment? Pain? Surely, she must have known by now…

I shook my head. It was better that way –that she knew where she stood –where I stand. It will all come clear… after the month ends.

A month.

I turned around to head back to my lab –not the kitchen. I do not think I'd be able to eat for a while. But before I could even take one more step, I thought I heard crying come from the direction I came from.

Angry, painful, heavy sobs permeated the air.

I found myself clenching my fists tightly once more. I stormed out of the hallway, wanting to escape that scene with my sanity, intact, and my pride, whole. But I wasn't even halfway through towards the sitting room, when rage overtook me. I used my balled up fists to smash the nearest thing that I could get my hands into: a glass display case. Blood splattered everywhere as my hand connected with the sharp, jagged edges of the broken glass. Pain shot up from one hand, all the way through the rest of my body. I looked at my bloodied hand.

_**Blood on my hands…**_

I hated the Dark Lord, truly.

But I would be no different from him soon enough.

I looked at my hand once more, then at the blood dripping down the hardwood floor. It did n ot seem enough. I glanced at my other hand.

'_Crash!'_

More blood splattered.

Now, it was more fitting.

Two, broken, bloodied messes for the two lives that I held in my hands.

Two equally broken hands for two people that depended on a decision –a choice that I had to make.

Two trails of blood that are spilt: one for a love I've lost a long time ago; another for one I've just found.

It did not take too long after that for me to notice tears, pooling together with the crimson droplets on the polished floor.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

By the time consciousness seeped into me again, it was already dark. I rubbed my swollen eyes as I tried to adjust my vision and stand up. But before I could even completely get on my two feet, another wave of nausea overtook me. I bolted my door open and ran towards the bathroom.

God, I've never felt so fucked up.

After a few minutes of dry heaving though, my head began to clear up and my stomach settled down. I turned the faucet on to wash my face and rinse my mouth.

The cold water seemed to have woken me up.

That was when I remembered.

'_Master Severus!'_

Oh God, now I'm really done for. I was supposed to do a lesson with him –and I slept through it. I quickly wiped my hands on the towel by the sink and rushed towards the sitting room where we usually held our lessons instead of the library. I was cramming my head with a suitable apology-cum-excuse to give my master when I stepped onto something that gave a loud 'crunch!'

I looked down.

Broken glass.

Lots of broken glass.

Lots of bloodied, broken glass.

My heart raced.

What happened in here?

I was about to turn back and look for my master when I heard a couple of footsteps behind me.

"Late for your lessons, Ms. Blueridge?"

I gasped. The man always knew how to make an entrance. I had expected a dressing down for my tardiness –but that wasn't my concern for the moment. I swallowed as I held his piercing, yet somehow blank, gaze.

"There –there is blood and glass –everywhere –"

"That, is obvious," he cut in, still in that biting tone. "Perhaps if you made it in time for your lessons, you would know this –" He raised his ebony wand. That was when I noticed that this hand was bandaged, both of them actually… Surely, he didn't?

I bit my lip as he lazily waved his wand.

"Evanesco," The shards of broken glass all disappeared.

"Scourgify," All the traces of blood were gone. He lowered his wand. I bowed my head. I did not know what to say, so I just waited for him to chastise me for my failure to follow his set schedule.

To my surprise, he just started to walk off.

"Master!" I called after him before I could even stop myself. He turned around to face me but he did not say anything.

"Your –your hands are hurt," I said in a small voice, warily eying his injury.

"Again, stating the obvious, Ms. Blueridge,"

Ms. Blueridge? He's never called me that before. Why start now? It sounds… it sounds so impersonal.

"Do –do you need help to fix your hand?" I made a small move towards him. "I could –"

He took a couple of steps away from me.

"Don't you think I could have fixed this if it is possible?" He asked me in a calculated voice.

"Y-yes,"

"Then this conversation is over." He turned his back on me once more. "Fix dinner only for yourself. My appetite has gone. And please, no matter what you do, avoid the spice rack. Have a good evening."

With that, he left me alone to my thoughts.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I could have fixed it. It was undoubtedly possible. That was a fact.

But I chose not to.

Instead of heading to my room, which was my original plan, I went back to my lab.

Alana.

Merlin.

Her eyes were swollen and red.

I had expected that she would not turn up for our lessons that afternoon. Good thing she didn't –I had time to fix myself up.

I heaved a heavy sigh as I glanced at my bandaged hands. It did not hurt as much anymore, and the bleeding has but stopped completely.

I then looked at the idle cauldron in front of me, then back at my hands.

There was no way that I would be able to brew something that would be passable by my standards in this condition. I decided to just store the cauldron and catch up on my reading or something less strenuous. However as I lifted the small pewter vessel, it was then that I noticed that it wasn't idle nor empty at all.

I took a glass stirring rod to help me examine the substance at the bottom –it was a thick, crimson liquid –blood.

Alana's blood.

It was still fresh. I must've placed it in stasis in the midst of panicking last night. My mind told me to just discard the thing and be done with it. But something from the back of my head kept trying to escape it's confines and push forward into my consciousness.

Blood… blood… line…

Blood line.

I could finally unmask the identity of Alana's father by using her blood! It was something that had been constantly nagging my subconscious for quite some time now –ever since that day in Diagon Alley, in Olivander's wand shop…

I weighed the pros and cons in my head.

Surely, I would e betraying Alana's trust if I did this, after all, she did make clear that she did not want to know her father's identity…

But on the other hand, I need not tell her, did I? And besides, it is not like it would matter…

I sighed. What the heck? I'd do it just to satisfy my curiosity, end of story.

I lifted the stasis on the blood sample. The revealing potion was pretty easy to make –I could do it with both of my hands tied behind my back. Revealing a bloodline did not matter much on the potion. It was getting the rather complicated charm right.

I stared pulling bottles and jars from the shelves. In the cauldron –which remained unlit, as a revealing potion was one of those rendered useless with heat –I carefully added three drops of unicorn tears, stirring counterclockwise liberally after each addition. The blood turned black in color. Next, I dropped in a teaspoon of ground beetle eyes and stirred clockwise twice, then anti-clockwise once –the color dramatically changed into silver –much like the color of memories in a pensieve. It was almost done. I tipped the contents into a shallow pan filled with clean water and dipped in a blank piece of parchment –just like how muggles would develop a photograph in the earlier days. Now, for the charm.

I took out my ebony wans and muttered the incantation under my breath.

"_Aperio id Arcanum, aperio id genus, aperio id arcanum, aperio id prosapia, aperio id Arcanum, aperio id familia…"_

A soft red glow emitted from the concoction in the tray as the silvery liquid turned back into blood red. A few seconds later, the piece of parchment I have submerged in the potion floated to the surface. Tiny miniscule writings began to appear on it.

Alana's family tree.

I don't know why, but my hands shook as I took out the potion-soaked parchment off the tray. I muttered a quick drying spell to remove the excess of the crimson liquid. Once it as fully dry, I took the said parchment to the nearest table.

With one last sigh, I unfurled the paper. There was that feeling again…

Guilt?

Apprehension?

What if I found out more about Alana –certainly wouldn't that make it more difficult for me to eventually… let her go?

I bit my lip as I strayed my eyes on the parchment. It was as if two invisible forces were fighting for my attention: once pushed me to reveal this big secret; another held me back in the dark. I closed my eyes briefly to calm my nerves.

By the moment I opened them, I had made up my mind.

I brought the parchment closer to me and looked.

**010101010**

**Publisher's Notes: So yeah, that was a cliffhanger. Don't kill me, I'm just typing and publishing. Eastwoodgirl made me do it! Oh yeah, by the way, would you be so kind as to review this for her? It would really make her feel better if you do. Flames are for me though, she can't handle too much heat right now, thanks! –Darwin.**


	19. Chapter 19: Tables and Thunderstorms

**Never Say I Love You**

**P/N: Yo, Darwin here still. I am partly to blame for this late chapter. My friend Eastwoodgirl has had this done last week but I haven't got time to indulge her, so… Anyway, here you go. She wants you to know that she's doing better. So, probably she'll be the one updating next time. And thank you by the way for the reviews for the last chapter. It got her smiling.**

**DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Us mortals would have to settle with playing god with those said characters from time to time.**

**WARNING: Rainy-day induced OOC-ness.**

**Chapter 19: Tables and Thunderstorms**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I must've stood frozen in my spot for a while after he left.

I sighed deeply. I completely gave up on ever trying understanding the things concerning Master Severus.

I headed for the kitchen to fix myself a quick all-in-one breakfast/lunch/dinner. Honestly, I was already feeling ravenous from all the throwing up I did since yesterday. As soon as I reached the well-lit space, I immediately headed for the cold box. I don't know –my stomach was beckoning for me to eat something cold and sweet.

I frowned. It seemed a bit too early for my once-monthly hormonal craving… but what the heck. I rummaged through the contents of the charmed cupboard until I found what I was looking for: a container of strawberry flavored gelatin. With a mental victory screech, I took it with me and proceeded to grab a spoon. I sat in my customary seat by the dining table with my cold, sweet treat –the first bite was heavenly; it immediately calmed my hunger pains. It did not take me long to finish the whole container. Soon enough, I was boiling water to make tea to wash down my unhealthy meal. But I haven't even had the chance to set the kettle down the stove when I heard a booming sound.

Thunder.

I felt my heart skip a couple of beats. I glanced at the nearest window. Not long after, I saw a big, angry flash of light.

Lightning.

I felt my breathing stop as I dropped the kettle on the floor with a loud crash.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

As I started to read the miniscule writings on the parchment that contained Alana's covert family tree, I heard a loud clatter emanating from what I believe is the kitchen.

Really, what now?

I glanced at my bedroom door, then at the paper in my hands. A split-second inner struggle took place. But, it was soon decided upon once I heard a scream, following what sounded like thunder.

I hurriedly stood up from my seat by the desk and tossed the parchment I was holding aside. I will just have to get back to it later.

As soon as I exited the confines of my lab, I was greeted by yet again another loud rumble of thunder –and then, a muffled scream. I found myself running towards the direction of the terrified scream. I reached the kitchen area in record time.

It was empty.

Sure, there was the kettle and spilled water all over the kitchen floor –that must've been what had caused the loud noise but…

Where was Alana? I'm positive that it was here whom I heard that scream come from. I was about to turn my back, when another rumble of thunder –louder this time –came on, followed by another muted but evidently terrified scream.

She was definitely in the kitchen.

But where?

I carefully entered the well-lit space, as rain started to fall; the pitter-patter of the droplets against the roof, annoyingly interfering , as I trained my ear for the quiet sobs that I thought I was hearing.

She wasn't behind the door, nor was she hiding in the cupboard. That only left…

Another round of thunder –louder even –and I had managed to find Alana.

I went down on my knees, lifted the think, blue table cloth and peaked under the dining table.

There she was.

She has her back against one table leg, her knees were up against her chest; her arms were wrapped around her entire body in a protective manner; her eyes were closed, as her mouth was shut tight. When the next roll of thunder came, she shut her eyes tighter; her hands flew up to cover her ears and another muffled scream came out of her quivering lips.

I must've stared at her, gaping, for quite some time until I felt my knees start to hurt.

"Alana?" I called her softly. But she did not even seem to notice that I was there. I sighed as I went completely underneath the table; I barely fit, but I knew I needed to reach her.

"Alana?" I tried again, louder this time, as I crouched down next to her. Her eyes remained closed as tears escaped them. Her body shook slightly as she sobbed. I took a deep breath before trying another approach.

Against my better judgment –to just get the hell out from under the damned table and be done with it –I, instead, found myself moving closer to her frightened form. I then wrapped my arms around her fragile body and began to repeatedly whisper in her ear.

"Alana, shh… it's okay, I'm here…"

And as the next boom of thunder came, as I felt her flinch against my chest, I started to rub circles on her back.

"Don't be afraid, you're safe,"

With those words, I felt her relax in my embrace and bury her head deeper in my chest.

I knew it was wrong –it was a lie. But at that very moment, under that table, in my house, with the sound of nothing but a thunderstorm and that of both our hearts, I willed myself to forget the world around us and focused on comforting the frightened woman I held close to me.

I closed my eyes as I felt her sink more into my arms. I could tell that Alana was still very much scared of the thunderstorm –if the tears that spilled on my robes were to be the basis of my judgment. I pulled her even closer.

I've heard of little children who would have a panic attack amidst thunderstorms –but it was the first time for me to encounter a grown woman with astraphobia*.

I was at a complete loss on what to do to calm her down fully. I knew my presence helped, but it was far from enough to completely reassure her fears. I racked my brain for any solution that I can come up with as I listened to her quiet sobs.

When I was younger, my mother would comfort me –whenever I was in pain from my father's hands or from the taunting of bullies, or both –by singing me to sleep.

Singing?

Yeah right.

I can't carry a tune to save my soul, let alone, comfort a panicking woman.

But as I felt Alana shake and flinch once more in my embrace, I threw caution to the wind; if I was lucky, she wouldn't even remember it by the following morning. I cleared my throat and began singing the first song that came to my mind.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

Suddenly, my heart started to beat once more –all I could hear was a deep, low, baritone. It was the respite I was yearning for.

When the thunderstorm started, years of long-forgotten, ill memories came back to haunt me. I know it sounds childish but yes, I panic whenever I hear thunder and see lightning. I immediately dove underneath the table to wait it out –until the rain stopped, until the bad memories disappeared once more.

What I didn't expect was the comforting pair of arms that wrapped itself around me; and that calm, soothing voice that erased my fears away –the very same voice that caressed my senses.

It was an unfamiliar song, but the way Master Severus sang it felt really comforting. His voice was full and certain, his words felt true and reassuring –it was difficult not to listen to him and feel at ease. I felt my breathing even out.

I felt myself drifting away with the cool sound of his voice.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

As I finished the final notes of the song, I felt Alana's body get heavier. I glanced at her. She had already fallen asleep. I sighed as I shifted her position and laid her head on my lap instead of against my chest. I reached for the wand in my pocket and moved the table away. The bright kitchen lights suddenly hurt my eyes. I took care of that too. I then conjured a tack of pillows to rest my back on – I could've just carried Alana to her bed while she slept, but something held me back to that spot in the middle of my dimmed kitchen.

As I felt sleep overtake my consciousness, I just couldn't help but wish to know what exactly it was.

I don't know how long I was in a deep slumber, but after a while, I felt pain shoot up from my left arm. I quickly opened my eyes. Alana lay perfectly still and untroubled on my lap. I sighed as I grabbed my wand once more. I gently lifted her head and carefully placed a pillow under it. I conjured a thick fleece blanket and draped it carefully around her sleeping form. After making sure she was quite comfortable as she could be in the dining room floor, I moved quickly to answer the Dark Lord's very untimely call. I checked the clock on my way out: 12:03 a.m. I groaned as I summoned my Death Eater mask and robes. I practically ran towards the edge of my wards. And as soon as I was out, I touched the Dark Mark and felt that familiar feeling of apparition.

I landed in a dark, empty throne room –empty, except for the Dark Lord, a gilded armchair and myself.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

Suddenly, I bolted from my position on the floor as I felt an oncoming wave of nausea.

Really now, this was getting ridiculous.

I sat right up and stumbled towards the kitchen sink to empty my stomach. A few seconds later, I was washing my mouth of the taste of regurgitated strawberry jelly –it wasn't a pleasant one, mind you. When my head finally cleared and my stomach finally calmed down, I glanced around. That was when I finally noticed.

Master Severus had gone.

I eyed what used to be the space under the table and noticed the conjured pillows and the thick blanket. I grabbed my wand.

"Evanesco,"

The pillows and the blanket vanished. I let a small smile grace my lips. I then eyed the heavy table.

No, that would have to wait.

I was about to walk towards my room to sleep off the rest of the morning (it read 1:30 a.m. on the clock) when I heard a knock on the door. I frowned. Surely, Master Severus hadn't gone out this early, had he? And why was he knocking? Nevertheless, I moved towards the front door. With one final deep breath, I opened the door. But when I saw who was on the other side, I wish I hadn't opened it at all.

**010101010**

**P/N: Singing Snape, what the heck was that? *avoids a pillow thrown at him by his neurotic best friend* Anyway, I bet you guys would have something to say to that. So my dear friend Eastwoodgirl would like to know if you agree with me. Please review! -Darwin**


	20. Chapter 20: Trust

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Who's back? I'm back! Wuzzah! Thanks to all of you who put up with my buddy Darwin and his late updates… and the reviews, thank you! I'm still strapped in a hospital bed, and probably will be for long, but I had managed to bribe a certain someone to bring my laptop to me. Anyhow, here's the next installment. Enjoy my lovelies and don't forget to review! (Longer chapter!)**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not even myself. Pathetic.**

**WARNING: Violence, Non-con, Character Death (GASP!)**

**Chapter 20: Trust**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I approached the Dark Lord warily.

"My Lord," I said as I kissed the hem of his robes. "I was not aware that you have bestowed upon me the honor of a private audience."

The Dark Lord motioned for me to stand up, so I did.

"The end of the month will be upon us before we know it, Severus," the Dark Lord stood up and began pacing. "I know we have just spoken two days ago, but I would like to know your thoughts as of now." The twisted man stopped directly behind me. I could feel his red tinged irises boring holes directly onto the back of my head.

"My Lord," I bowed my head slightly as I took a deep breath. "MY decision remains in favor of Lily Evans,"

Silence.

I closed my eyes. I can't believe I had actually said that.

'_What about Alana?'_ A voice in my head came on angrily. _'Does she not matter to you?'_

'_I love Lily, with everything I've got! It's just right that I save her!'_ I argued with the angry voice.

'_She chose James Potter! She does not care for you, you twit! Alana does!'_

'_She does not! She thinks she cares because I have –I have been nice to her! And besides Lily Evans is my best friend, my only friend! I will not sacrifice her for someone I've met just a month ago!'_

'_Alan loves you, you know that in your heart, Severus! And you cannot deny the fact that you are starting to fall for her, no, you cannot deny that you love her as well!'_

Love?

'_I –I don't love her. I can never love her. I love Lily, only Lily!'_ I told my mind's alter ego. The struggle in my head must have been showing through my face as by the time I snapped out of my mental battle, I found the Dark Lord staring at me with a bewildered expression. His red irisesdanced. It was an unnerving moment for me, to be quite honest.

"Very well," the Dark Lord said thoughtfully. "You may leave. I shall call you again when I need you, Severus,"

I inclined my head as the man touched the mark on my left forearm. The familiar sense of apparition swallowed me up and deposited me right back at the edge of my wards. I glanced at the pocket watch I carried on my person. It was just quarter to two in the morning. I sighed as I entered the wards.

That was when I felt it.

The usual tingling sensation that one feels upon crossing my property was completely absent.

My wards have been breached.

I reached for my wand –ready to curse anything or anyone that would come my way – as I rushed towards the house; It was not the fact that the house was open to intruders that bothered me, nor was it the fact that someone had actually managed to get past my rather intricate warding. I ran like my life depended on it. As I neared my property, I found myself unable to breathe as a blood-curling scream that pierced through the early morning air just confirmed my fears.

"Alana!"

**010101010**

(Alana's PO)

[earlier that morning]

"You!"

I froze as stiff as a board upon seeing that horrible face that grinned at me manically.

"Me." The auburn-haired man pointed at himself mockingly. "Missed me, whore?"

I immediately snapped out of my trance-like state. I grabbed the door handle and attempted to close it once more, but the man was too strong for my feeble attempt. He held the door open with one hand while his other toyed at the pocket of his trousers.

"G-go away, Avery. My master is not here!" I managed to croak out as I nervously backed away from the Death Eater who now crossed the threshold of Master Severus' house. The glint in his eyes deepened even more so after I spoke.

"Oh, is that so?" He then drew his wand and cast a locking spell on the door. It shut close with a loud bang. He eyed me afterwards. My breathing ceased as I saw that menacing, hungry look in his eyes.

"That's just too bad, whore," Avery taunted me as I backed away from him; he approached even closer. He smelled of alcohol and sweat and a bit of blood. We were almost to the wall nearest the kitchen. "I was kind of hoping we could all play a game, all three of us,"

"No!" I screamed. I knew what this monster wanted –ever since that day Master Severus saved me from their clutches; that feral look in his eyes that devoured me alive. I tried to run into the kitchen to grab my wand where I've left it off, but his hands were quick. He grabbed a hold of my wrist and twisted it. I let out a scream as pain shot up from my left arm.

"Where do you think you're going, bitch?" Avery asked heatedly as he pulled be back into the sitting room. He was bigger than I –about as tall as my master; he grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me against the sofa.

"God, please, no!" I yelled as I tried to fight him off. My body gave all the energy that I could muster to push this evil cretin's disgusting form off of me as he moved to pin me down. But the more I try to fight him off, the more it seemed that he was encouraged.

"My master will be home soon, he will not let this pass!"

To my surprise, Avery let out a laugh.

"You think he cares for you?" He said as he began tearing off my clothes. "You are nothing by a whore, a plaything. If it weren't for your eyes –he cares only for that mudblood Evans!"

I stopped trying to fight Avery. I stared at him. Avery gave me a knowing look.

"Do you know why he is not here, bitch?"

I took a deep breath. Avery continued.

"He has bargained for Lily Evans' life in exchange for yours with our Lord," The man grabbed a fistful of my hair and brought my face closer to his. "You will die in place of Lily Evans by the end of the month. Your master does not care if you live! He saved you to be a sacrifice for his lost love!"

"No!" I screamed. "You are lying, that's not true. Master Severus would never –"

"Tell me you believe your own words, you silly bitch," Avery sneered. I began trashing against him once more as tears began falling from my eyes.

No, Master Severus would never do that to me.

Would he?

"_**It will always be Lily… Always,"**_

I closed my eyes and let go of everything I held true in my heart. Avery was all over me; I could feel his mouth against my bare skin, his hands, groping my most sensitive parts – but I couldn't care any less. I lay beneath him, unmoving, as if I were dead.

"_**Lily… Always,"**_

Always Lily.

Always.

As Avery continued violating me, I felt pain spread out from my groin as he began making deep forceful thrusts against my hips –it was a sickeningly horrible feeling, having this monster claim me like an animal. I took a chance and opened my eyes –the man still had that hungry look on his face.

"You disappoint me, whore." He smirked, pulling out of me all of a sudden. "Where's your fire? Shall I have to force you to scream then?" Avery then took his wand and pointed it at me. "I like women who fight. Turn over!" he commanded. I froze.

"N-no," my lips trembled. "Please, not –"

"Turn over! CRUCIO!"

A bright red light escaped from his wand. Pain like no other coursed through my entire body, frying every nerve in its wake. I tried my hardest not to scream, so as not to give the sick bastard the satisfaction of seeing me break. But after the first five seconds, it was already too much. I opened my lips and let out a blood-curling scream.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

By the time I reached the door, my heart was already up my throat. I grabbed the door handle and gave it a turn.

It wouldn't budge. Whoever managed to pass my wards locked the front door magically. I have no time to rack my head for all sorts of unlocking spells. I took a step back and jabbed my wand forcefully.

"Bombarda!"

The mahogany front door turned into splinters as the blasting spell took on full force. Clearing the smoke and the dust with another wave of my wand, I was then greeted by the most horrifying sight I have ever seen.

Alana. She was completely bare. She was positioned on the cream-colored sofa, tears on her eyes, sweat on her delicate form, blood and fluids dripping from between her legs. She had scratches and fresh bruises all over, her hair was a mess; her torn clothes were all over the sitting room. It was like déjà vu all over. Except for one thing. She was pinned down –by Avery.

Avery.

My person was suddenly overcame with rage of epic proportions –something I've never felt before, not even in the presence of the Dark Lord. I did not know what happened right after I was welcomed by that horrible image but the next thing I knew was that my bare hands were around the bloody bastard's neck, wringing the very life out of him.

"Se –Sever- us" he choked as I tightened my fingers around his throat. Avery tried to pry my hands off.

"I –I just –d-dropped b-by to- to play wi-with y-your who- whore –"

That did it for him. I released the mangy redhead bastard and grabbed my wand, all the while, my whole body shaking with unbridled fury.

"CRUCIO"

Agonized screams permeated the air as I held on the curse. Avery's voice became hoarser minute after minute of being subjected to my wrath. I know in my mind that I could have held it on him until all his nerves were fried –until he would already have lost his sanity, as was my intention – that was until a soft sob broke my concentration. I lowered my wand. Avery had passed out, and by the smell of it, seemed to have soiled himself. I took a deep breath. Up until that moment, I did not know what emotion, aside from deep loathing, was taking over my consciousness. But as another soft sob reached my ears –it dawned on me. I clenched my fists and turned around slowly. Startled emerald orbs met my dark ones as I left the mess that was Avery on the floor and walked towards the sofa.

Alana. Her once brilliant eyes were clouded with fear, resentment, and… something that yet again, I could not quite place. I tore off my Death Eater robes and carefully draped it around her shivering form. She sat quietly, silent tears escaping her eyes, her lips quivering, her hands balled up into fists on her lap. She held my gaze, unblinking. I took a deep breath as I knelt down in front of her, unsure of what exactly to do or say, never looking elsewhere but her eyes.

"Alana," I began, as my face went level with hers. I honestly did not know what to say next. But she saved me the trouble.

"M-master," Her lips moved ever so slowly. Her voice was so soft, I was sure I would have missed it if my full attention wasn't on her. I reached for her hands. She looked down on her lap then back at me, as if silently asking for the reason why I did what I had just done. I did not speak; instead, I tightened my grasp on her. Her eyes left mine once more. This time it went beyond me, right behind me. She eyed the bastard's unconscious form. I could see the dread in her features as he bit her lip and closed her eyes once more. I reached for her face with one hand and caressed her tear-stained cheek lightly. She trembled in my touch, but she looked at me still.

"You're safe," I told her, cupping her face now in both of my hands.

"Is –is he dead?"

Her question startled me –her tone was curious, reluctant – and yet, at the same time, accusatory. Instead of answering her directly, I sighed.

"He will no longer harm you,"

"Is he dead?"

It was this time more of a statement, than a question. But there was than tone again. I stared at the woman in front of me. Her beautiful face was masked by a look of apprehension.

"No," I answered firmly. "But it is no more than what he deserves." I stood up and grabbed my wand. I should clean up this mess, I thought, walking towards Avery –or what was left of him. As I raised my wand, about to curse the mongrel into oblivion, a soft voice halted me.

"Why?"

I spun around, my wand still poised in the air. Alana was on her feet, clutching my black robes around her body protectively.

"What do you mean 'why?'" I asked her right back, lowering my wand. She took a step forward.

"Why does he deserve to die?"

I frowned. Was she out of her mind? Did Avery manage to break her with what he did?

"He violated you. He is a foul creature who does not deserve to live," I said bitterly. No matter, at the back of my head, a nagging thought came on –those words fit me as well. I raised my wand once more. But this time, it was Alana's own hands that stopped me from carrying out my planned task. I looked at her. She seemed to have stiffened at my smoldering gaze. Her head hung low but she did not let go of my hand.

"Why –do I deserve to die?"

That very question managed to do what Alana's hand couldn't. It stopped me completely.

"I beg your pardon?" I asked her quietly as I lowered my wand." Alana's eyes were trained on the floor but I did not need to see them to know what she was feeling.

"Do I deserve to die?" She repeated her question, betrayal evidently lacing her timid tone. I glanced at Avery, then back at her, then back at Avery again. The bastard. I tightened my grip on my wand.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

A pale green light shot from my ebony wand and sped towards the form that lay on the floor. I turned back towards Alana.

"You don't," I said in a quiet voice. I approached her once more. By the time I was already right back in front of her, she lifted her head up and with her eyes, arrested my soul.

"I trust you Severus,"

**010101010**

**A/N: So…. How was it? Any good? Please, please, please let me know! I'm dying to know what you think! Can I get like 10 reviews for this chapter to welcome me back? Thank you! Love, Eastwoodgirl**


	21. Chapter 21: Realizations and Discoveries

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I've been out of sorts with regards to this story but never fear. I have two more chapters pre-written after this one and all I can say is that it WILL BE WORTH THE WAIT. I'm so excited for the developments in this particular story, I wish I could post all of the chapters that I've finished today! But I wouldn't do that… I wouldn't want to put you guys on overdose (hospital pun, not intended). So, here's the next chapter that sheds light on some parts of our tale. PART ONE of what I call "The Reveal". Enjoy and don't forget to review!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own and make no money from Harry Potter. The plot alone is mine.**

**Chapter 21: Realizations and Discoveries**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

"_**I trust you,"**_

The words rang, cutting right through the deafening silence. It has been more than a week since Alana uttered those words and still, it felt as if her lips had just moved right by my ears.

"_**I trust you,"**_

She sounded… resigned…

Trust.

I threw the glass of whiskey I was nursing in both my hands against the nearest wall.

"Whoa, take it easy there, Severus," It was Tom. I sat by the bar in the Leaky Cauldron at half-past midnight after Aberforth banned me from Hogshead. I looked at Tom, meaning to glare at him menacingly, but I was so wasted to even manage a blink.

"Screw you Tom," I growled. "I hate the name Tom."

The elderly barman merely smiled. I guess he had seen enough of my moods to ever be offended with what I say. I snorted as I reached for another glass of whiskey that he had just placed in front of me.

"I'll have again a room ready for you, Severus. If you keep throwing my glasses around, you are sure in no state to get home in one piece –or two." He then turned to leave without even waiting for my scathing comeback. Git. I concentrated on the drink in my hand. It has been more than a week since I had been without alcohol in my system. I do not know who came up with the term "drowning your sorrows in alcohol", but I'd like to kiss them full on the lips –it was just fitting for what I'm going through right now.

"_**I trust you,"**_

Trust.

Disgusting word, if you ask me. I downed the last of the whiskey in my glass and fought hard not to throw it against the wall –Tom was considerably nicer than that fool Aberforth, but I wouldn't put it past him to ban me as well if I continue to ruin all his shot glasses; _Reparo_ would still leave cracks in the glass even if I overpower it.

Curse magic. Maybe my bastardly drunkard of a father was right. Magic was evil. If I were a mere muggle, I wouldn't be living this wretched life. I would still have my best friend –the love of my life, my mother, my sanity. It not for magic, I wouldn't have to serve a conceited, twisted megalomaniac. I wouldn't have to be evil; I wouldn't have to kill for a woman I barely knew –I wouldn't then, have to sacrifice said woman for my own, selfish gains…

The glass shattered in my grip.

"I wouldn't want to be that glass, really." A jovial voice came from behind me. It was close to midnight. The past week that I've frequented the Leaky, I was the only patron at this odd hour –it suited my preferences. But I guess, it was not to be today.

"Go away, Black!" I said, without even turning to face the newcomer. The man behind me chuckled as I felt him draw closer to my seat. A raven-haired, blue-eyed man then slid into the bar stool to my right. I could feel his eyes piercing the side of my head.

"Merlin Snape, you look like shit!"

"Shut up Black,"

"You know, the way you say 'Black' makes me feel like you're talking to my brother, Sirius. I come in peace, Severus. It's me, Regulus." The man smiled.

"I know that. Stupid Black,"

Regulus just laughed and waved at Tom to bring him a scotch. I raised my head to ask for another whiskey but Regulus stopped me. I turned on the best scowl I could manage. But I guess it wasn't that effective as I only managed to get, yet again, another low chuckle from the younger Black brother.

"Screw you, Black."

Regulus continued to smile at me.

"You're not my type, Snape," He then turned to his scotch. "So, how are you?"

"I'm wasted, cranky, and not in the mood for social discussions."

Regulus nodded and took a sip of his scotch.

"You heard about Avery going missing? Not that the Dark Lord minds, mind you. The guy was daft –"

I stared at him before swallowing the bile in my throat.

"He's dead."

Regulus sat his glass down the counter.

"I believe you know more about this than you're letting on, Severus –"

"I killed him." I said, "Then pulverized his remains and casted them off the Caspian Sea."

A pregnant pause came on. Regulus took the chance to gulp the remains of his scotch.

"Avery? Why?"

I stared at the man I considered as one of the few friends that I have. His tone was curious, but not accusatory –like he just wanted to really know why and not judge. He was one of the few people I know that can manage to do that around me. Almost everyone else assumes the worst of me and jumps into conclusions before they even ask questions. I sighed.

"He touched Alana –violated her." I said quietly, looking straight ahead.

"You mean, your ser – that half-blood?"

I nodded absent-mindedly. The last thing I wanted on my mind was the raven-haired, green-eyed woman who was haunting my every waking and sleeping moment non-stop for the past two weeks now.

"You… love her," I heard Regulus say. It was not a question. I looked at him. I had wanted to tell him that in no uncertain terms would I feel the vague notion of love for the woman in question, but no words came out of my mouth. Regulus must've taken my silence for admission. He looked at me knowingly.

"Of course, she is rather attractive for a half-blood. Especially those eyes…"

I let out a low growl even before I could stop myself. Regulus chortled.

"Easy Severus, I don't fancy her. Not when she sort of looks like my brother in a twisted sort of way."

I felt like a ton of bricks hit my already swollen head. This time, I had managed a decent enough scowl.

"I don't know how you must have missed it." Regulus was saying, completely missing the murderous look on my face. "I only saw her once and I immediately thought of Sirius… of course, their eyes are of different colors and Alana's cheeks are more defined, but they have a rather striking resemblance if you ask me." The man then shrugged. "If only I didn't know my father well, I would say that Alana could be my sister from another mother –"

I honestly did not know what to say to that. I then remembered Alana's words:

"_**My father was a very prominent pureblood, I was told… my mother was raped…"**_

Merlin's beard.

I stood up to leave.

"Hey, Severus where are you going? You're in no shape to travel!" Regulus yelled after me, but I tuned him out as I exited the Leaky from the magical end and turned to apparate A few seconds later, my drunken feat of apparition thankfully deposited me at the edge of my wards.

I must've drunk a gallon of alcohol –I've never felt more wasted in my entire life. The apparition just addled what was left of my brain and my coherent thoughts.

Alana?

Could it be?

I threw the front door open. Usually when I arrive home at this hour, the house was already dark and quiet. This time, to my surprise, it wasn't. Alana sat on the cream-colored sofa, a book opened on her lap. She was holding her wand. Green eyes met my obsidian ones.

"I wasn't expecting you home early." She said, sarcasm, absent in her voice. For the first time, I tried to look at her. I mean, really look at her.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV) [earlier that night]

Master Severus was out. Again. Living with him for more than a month now got me used to this "fight then flight" habit of his.

"_**I trust you,"**_

I truly did. I do not know why, but I just do. Not even Avery can change that.

I bit my lip as that horrible monster crossed my reveries once more. It has been over a week. I still have nightmares. The only consolation I get is that even in those dreams, Master Severus comes and saves me yet again.

I still cannot believe that he defended my honor and killed Avery. The morning after, I had wanted to talk to him but he never gave me a chance. It must have been horrible for him. I feel even worse.

It's all my fault. No matter how much Master Severus claims to be a bad person, deep in my heart, I know that he isn't. His face remained expressionless as he hit Avery with the Killing Curse, but his eyes betrayed his disgust at himself for what he did.

It's all my fault. He dirtied his hands because of me. I hate myself. Avery was right for one thing: I am not worthy of Master Severus' affections.

I am not worthy.

Not like Lily.

I closed my eyes once more, trying hard to dispel the ugly thoughts on my head.

My life in exchange for hers.

Somehow, at the back of my head, a little voice screamed at me, for me to feel betrayed by that notion. But for some reason, I just found myself, facing it as something inevitable.

"_**I trust you,"**_

I have nothing to live for anymore.

Nothing left.

I sat in front of my half-done canvass in the confines of my bedroom. Ever since that day with Avery, I had been working on my painting to keep my sanity intact and most of the ugly thoughts away. It was almost done.

I grabbed my brush and reached for the tube of black paint once more, but then, I changed my mind. Instead, I grabbed the tube of red paint. I took a little bit of it and mixed in a little of brown until I got that perfect shade of auburn that I was going for. With light strokes, I brought the color onto my canvass. After a few seconds, I stood back to look.

Red really does go well with green.

It was then that I felt tears spring from my own green eyes. I knew that I had to stop, lest I mess up my artwork. I laid the brush down and glanced at the clock by the side of my bed. It was almost midnight. I stood up from my stool and as if on cue, my stomach suddenly churned. I covered my mouth and fought the urge to throw up right then and there, while I ran all the way towards the bathroom. As soon as my hands were braced on the white porcelain sink, I heaved. I threw up everything I ate since that morning. Disgusting. I took a deep breath after rinsing my mouth with lukewarm water. This has been going on for about two weeks now. It's really getting ridiculous. I need to know what's wrong with me.

I decided that asking for Master Severus' help would be out of the question, given the current state of affairs he had; So, I settled for the next best option. A few minutes later, I stepped out of the library carrying a heavy tome: Magical Maladies for the Everyday Witch or Wizard by Mercurio Bello. I sat on the sofa in the sitting room where I deemed I would be comfortable enough. I placed the book on my lap and read.

An hour and a half later, I was ready to try the basic diagnostic spell I have learned from the book. I took out my wand.

"_Aperio Medico_!"

A soft blue glow encompassed my upper body –as it should be, according to the book, telling me that there was nothing wrong there. However, as I looked further, I noticed a faint yellow glow around my midsection. I released the spell and grabbed the book.

Now, what does yellow stand for?

I was about to flip through the pages to look for the answer when the front door suddenly burst open. It was Master Severus. His eyes were bloodshot and he reeked of alcohol.

"I wasn't expecting you home early," I said calmly. He did not speak, not that I had expected him to. He just stared at me –it was disconcerting; like he was trying to see right through my very soul. I was about to ask him why he was doing it, when he did the unthinkable. He spoke to me for the first time in two weeks.

"Black," he said.

**010101010**

**A/N: Your thoughts? Also I want to know if any of you has an idea regarding the painting. It will play an important part later on… what do you think is Alana drawing on that canvass? Any guesses?**

**Next chapter: Part II of "The Reveal". Stay tuned. In the mean time, please drop me a review!**

**-Eastwoodgirl**


	22. Chapter 22: A Dream And A Nightmare

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: See previous chapters**

**A/N: I have received a funny question through PM the other day. For security purposes I will not reveal the identity of the person… suffice to say, she is one of my regular readers. I will also not repeat her question, but I will take this opportunity to answer it here to dispel any rumors and any further questions of the same kind.**

**No, I am not a guy, pretending to be a girl. I'm legitimately a female (according to my birth certificate at least). And yes, my friend Darwin is legitimately a guy (according to his mom) but that is debatable. He is a real person, not just a pigment of my imagination. I have other "imaginary friends" but Darwin isn't one of them, sadly. He now has an FFn account: ****that1BEAUTIFULboy****. I made him create it (bully me). If you have questions for him, go annoy him through PM. He loves the attention.**

**Enough about that. Anyway, I do enjoy your silly questions that have absolutely nothing to do with the story. Keep them coming and I will try my best to answer them for you. IN the mean time, enjoy this chapter. PART II of "The Reveal". Reviews are love!**

**Chapter 22: A Dream And A Nightmare**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

"Black," he said.

I crinkled my nose. Master Severus was not making any sense to me.

"Black, Master Severus?" I asked, closing the large tome that was on my lap and setting it aside.

"Black," He said again, as he walked towards me, his knees wobbling dangerously. He almost tripped on his own feet as he crossed the sitting room towards the sofa where I sat. I stood up to meet him.

"Black –your –your hair –"

I frowned. Master Severus was rambling. He then reached out and touched my raven hair. He undid the shell barrette that was holding it together and ran his fingers through the long strands. I shivered slightly at his delicate touch.

"Black." Master Severus whispered again. "Except for you –your eyes… green not blue." He then took his hands out of my hair and caressed my face. I was speechless.

"But –but how… you –you're beautiful."

I felt a blush creep up my cheeks. I willed my eyes to look at my master's obsidian ones. His hands continued caressing my cheeks in soft, circular motions. It felt wonderful. I closed my eyes.

"Don't!"

I immediately opened them. I stared once again at Master Severus; to my surprise, his face did not register any hint of annoyance.

"Please don't"

His tone was pleading.

"I hate Black… green. I love your green eyes."

It was the first time I heard him say that he loved anything about me. I was elated deep within, never mind the fact that he was drunk when he said it.

"Your lips –full red, not thin… not like –"

The rest of his words never left his own lips. He had forgone his feat of drunken, incoherent speech, in favor of crushing his mouth against mine.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I kissed her.

I bloody kissed her. Again.

Merlin, help me.

The moment my eyes locked with her glittering emerald ones, I knew that my resolve would come crashing down. If alcohol robbed me off of my ability for coherent speech, one look from this woman reduced me to a blubbering mess. And being inches away from her did not help at all. There seemed to be this strong invisible pull, beckoning me to touch her.

That was how I found myself kissing one Alana Blueridge.

Merlin.

After sometime, I had managed to pull away from her. My fuzzy brain registered surprise on her beautiful face.

"Sorry," I mumbled, before everything turned black.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

He passed out.

I was still reeling in from the kiss when Mast Severus unceremoniously slumped down on the hardwood floor of the sitting room. I touched my already bruised lips before letting out a sigh.

I will never figure this man out.

I carefully lifted his unconscious form off the floor with my own hands and dragged him onto the sofa. Then, I summoned for a blanket; I could've just used my wand to levitate him to his room, but something tells me that he may not like it if I breach his privacy again. I threw the soft fleece blanket around my master's slumbering form and watched him snuggle against it with a smile on my face.

He looked so peaceful. I turned to leave for my room.

"Alana…"

I turned around.

Did I just hear him call for me?

"Alana, don't…. please…"

I crept back towards Master Severus' sleeping form.

He was still asleep, alright – his eyes closed, his breathing even, his lips, moving.

"Stay…"

I settled down on the couch nearest him and summoned for my own blanket. I grasped one of his thin, pale hands.

"I'm not going anywhere," I whispered, more to myself than to him before sleep finally took over me as well.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

"_**I can swing higher than you can, Sev!"**_

"_**Hah! You're joking Lily. I'm the swingiest swinger of them all!"**_

"_**Nuh-uh," Lily pretended to pout. "I'm the Queen of Swings! Watch me!" Ten year old Lily Evans then began to swing as high as she could. I watched her emerald eyes grow brighter with every attempt, her fiery hair flaring like a cape around her shoulders as the wind blew against her face. I've never seen anyone look more beautiful than her. In my tender 10 year old heart, I've decided that I love her already. I continued watching Lily reach higher and higher with every swing… until her nose already touched the clouds.**_

"_**Stop it now, Lily! You might get stuck among the clouds!"**_

_**She laughed. She laughed at me and all of the pain and the heartache in the world suddenly disappeared.**_

"_**You're just jealous, Sev. You can't reach the clouds like I do,"**_

"_**Yes, I can!" I pouted. "But you really shouldn't swing too high, still!"**_

"_**Oh Sev, don't be ridiculous! What can possibly go wrong?"**_

_**Ah. The magic words.**_

_**Lily swung her legs back further and kicked the ground as hard as she could; she then launched herself and the seat of her swing higher even –over the bar, beyond the clouds, out of my reach.**_

"_**Lily"**_

_**The swing seat never came back. Dark clouds began to drift in… then, thunder and lightning. It started to rain. I gripped the chains that used to hold the seat Lily was in very tightly –until I heard a loud scream from behind me. Without letting go of the chains, I turned around to try and find the source of the sound. My eyes landed on a small form crouched under the slide: a little girl, maybe no more than seven; I noticed that she flinched, whenever the thunder roared and lightning drew and angry pattern across the dark sky.**_

"_**Hey, are you okay?" I called out to her. But she did not seem to notice me. She appeared to be too scared of the rain. Her eyes were shut tight. I tried to reach her with my free hand, but I found the chains that I held with my other one to be keeping me back. I had to let go of them to reach the poor, frightened girl.**_

_**I glanced upward at the clouds, hoping to at least get a sight of Lily. I wonder where she has gone to?**_

_**Another rumble of thunder came on, as did a terrified squeal.**_

_**I had to make a decision, quick…**_

_**I let go of the chains.**_

_**I carefully moved towards the slide and reached out to touch the small girl. Her hands were wrapped protectively around her, her eyes still closed.**_

"_**It's okay, I'm here. You're safe now."**_

_**I crouched beside her under the slide. As close as I was to her now, I noticed that her hair was black, almost as dark as mine. It fell in loose waves around her shaking shoulders. I wrapped an arm around her tentatively.**_

"_**Shhh… you're safe,"**_

_**I felt her settle down against my chest.**_

"_**Thank you," She said, in a soft, melodious tone.**_

"_**No problem," I smiled as I turned to face her.**_

_**Black met green.**_

_**Really familiar greens.**_

"_**I trust you," The little girl told me, her eyes never leaving mine.**_

"_**Alana?"**_

I jolted up in surprise.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

"Alana?"

A surprised gasp rang through my ears and woke me up. My eyes immediately flew to the other person n the room with me.

Master Severus was sitting up, a startled look painted across his features. He then turned to me.

"Alana?"

I nodded briefly. He sighed. I drew closer. I noticed that our hands were still intertwined; I don't know if he noticed it. I stared at him. He was sweating, panting –as if he'd run a marathon in his sleep.

"Nightmare?" I asked tentatively.

"Dream," he breathed, staring off to space. We were both silent for the few minutes that had passed. He eventually made a move to run his hands through his damp, ebony locks –that was when he had finally noticed.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I was holding her hand.

I glanced around. I was still in the sitting room, in the sofa… and by the looks of it, I must've fallen asleep on it. And judging by the identical blankets that Alana and I had around our waists, so did she.

Did I just fall asleep holding her hand?

I glanced at our conjoined appendages and instantaneously felt the inevitable inner struggle.

Do I let go?

Do I hold on tighter?

She must've sensed my conflicting thoughts and saved me the hassle…

She gripped my hand tighter. The sensation was both comforting and disturbing at the same time; her hands were soft and surprisingly warm.

"Bad dream?" She asked quietly. I looked at her, unblinking, for about a couple of minutes until I realized what she was referring to.

My mind went back to the vision.

Was it bad at all?

I sighed deeply in response, unable to discern if the dream was positive or negative in my perspective. IN the end, it all came down to one thing.

"Confusing,"

I then stood up to leave without another word, dislodging my hand from Alana's. As I turned towards the hall, I cast a quick tempus spell. 3:13 a.m. it said. I rubbed my sore, tired eyes and immediately summoned a vial of sobering potion. The purple liquid slid down my throat rather easily as it had several times more in the past two weeks than in the past five years of my life. I decided to sit by the desk in my lab to wait for the effects to set in.

A few minutes later, my vision cleared as did my mind. It was only then that the events of last night made sense.

'_Black!_'

I practically jumped off my seat and rummaged through rolls upon rolls of parchment at my desk… until I found what I was looking for.

Alana's family tree.

I smoothed out the parchment and before I could even talk myself out of it, I read the miniscule writings:

**PROGENY:**

**Alana Blueridge –half-blood**

***Adoptive Parents:**

**[mother]: Eloise Madison Blueridge (**_**nee McCartney)- **_**12****th**** generation****muggle**

**[father]: Edmund Louis Blueridge- 10****th**** generation muggle**

***Biological Parents:**

**[mother]: Rose Evans Langley- 14****th**** generation muggle…**

And then, the coup de grace… I held my breath...

**[father]: Orion Septimus Black- 32****nd**** generation pureblood.**

**010101010**

**A/N: It's official, Alana's a Black! How does this further complicate things? Well, only one way to find out!**

**And who found out another interesting fact about her progeny? Whoever guesses it right first will get an exclusive reveal about the said interesting fact! (SPOILER ALERT!) And what is this I see? 99 reviews? The 100****th**** reviewer will get a special shout out in the next chapter!**

**There's more drama, so stick around! In the mean time, please review! -Eastwoodgirl**


	23. Chapter 23: Of All The Shades Its Yellow

**Never Say I Love You**

**DISCLAIMER: The author does not claim ownership of the characters used in this fictional story, nor does she intend to make money out of it. Any concept, entity and the like that you recognize belong to their specific owners. This story was written and published for the purpose of entertainment only. Thank you and enjoy.**

**Chapter 23: Of All The Shades, It's Yellow**

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

He walked out on me. Again.

It must be morning already. I turned back to the sofa and tidied the space up. I banished the blankets and sat down. I couldn't very well go back to sleep after that.

I sighed as I reached for the book I was reading a while ago and started flipping through the pages to take my mind off of things… it was then that I remembered. I cast the diagnostic spell on me once more.

Soft blue.

Pale yellow.

"Yellow… yellow… yellow…"

I murmured as I thumbed through the pages of the thick volume I had on my lap. I found what I was looking for on page 287.

"Aha! Basic Diagnosis!"

I quickly ran my fingers down the chart.

"Violet –poison; Green –flu; Royal Blue – infection; Red – no … ah, there we go, yellow –"

The fleeting emotion of elation at my discovery quickly turned to dread. Right by the end of page 287 lay the answer to my medical mystery:

**YELLOW: pregnancy (witches)***

As if on cue, my stomach decided to jump up to my throat at that moment. I ran for my life –towards the kitchen sink.

Pregnancy… I was pregnant?

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I felt my heart stop completely for the nth time since I've met Alana.

Alana… Black?

As if I were on mind control, I continued to read the parchment.

**BIRTH NAME:**

**Jasmine Callista Langley Black**

**BIOLOGICAL SIBLINGS:**

**Sirius Orion Black (pureblood) 33****rd**** generation**

**Regulus Arcturus Black (pureblood) 33****rd**** generation…**

There was more, but I found out that I could no longer move after that. If I wasn't already sitting, I would've passed out for the second time in less than 24 hours.

_Jasmine Black._

Bloody hell. I felt a headache coming on. I stood up slowly to fetch a pain potion when tinkering sounds in the kitchen, followed by retching noises distracted me from my goal. I sighed deeply and headed towards the direction of the noise.

Alana was bent over the sink, her long raven waves forming a curtain on one side of her face. Her left hand was braced on the porcelain sink; the other was clutching her midsection rather protectively. I approached her slowly as another violent spasm, I guess it was, overtook her and forced her to empty her stomach.

"Are you alright?"

She flinched upon hearing my voice. I could tell it was out of surprise though, not fear. Thankfully. She turned the faucet on and ran her hands under the clean stream of warm water. She then used them to rinse hr mouth. Her movements were calculated, almost rehearsed. How long had she been experiencing this?

Alana then turned to me, her face was clean once more, yet there were still traces of tears on her brilliant emerald irises –her face, still slightly flushed. If not for the tears, I would say she looked radiant.

"Stomach flu… I guess," she said shyly before turning her back on me once more and starting to boil water for tea.

"You –guess?" I raised my eyebrows. "Let me run the diagnostic –"

"NO!"

The sound of breaking china came next. I sighed as I approached Alana and surveyed the damage.

"It –it slipped through my fingers," she reasoned. "I –I'm sorry, Master Severus, I –"

"Hush." I said sternly, silencing her trembling voice. "Do not make a mountain out of a mole hill. Reparo!"

The broken teacup righted itself. I turned to face Alana, her eyes were watery and downcast. I took a deep breath as I laid a hand on her arm gently.

"No harm done, Alana."

She looked up at me and briefly, our eyes met. She was biting her lips as if trying to decide whether or not to say something. I wanted to know what was on her mind at that moment, but I decide against pushing her. I cast a glance elsewhere but her troubled face; it was when I saw her bleeding hand.

"Shit, you're cut." I cursed even before I could stop myself. I could tell that Alana tensed up at that. But before she could even react, I had already grabbed her bloodied hand and dragged her towards the sink once more. I took my hand and spelled an antiseptic solution onto her cut. Once it was clean and free of blood, I inspected the cut. It was approximately a two-inch laceration that ran across her palm. It looked deep but otherwise uninfected. I looked at Alana. The only way she could have gotten this kind of cut was if she crushed the china with her bare hand.

"Hold still," I told her quietly. "Tergeo!"

The bleeding stopped immediately as the delicate skin of her palm began stitching up, leaving nothing but a thin white scar that should fade over time.

"Thank you."

I looked up. Alana's head remained bowed down.

"Do not mention it," I said. I let go of her hand and proceeded to rummage through the cabinet directly above the kitchen sink. I handed her a small glass vial filled with an orange concoction. She inspected the bottle carefully before looking at me questioningly.

"To settle your stomach and get rid of nausea. I hardly doubt it is a stomach flu you're having, but this is a general remedy." I answered her unasked question before turning to leave the kitchen.

"Is it safe?"

I spun around, my eyebrows raised.

"Would you think I would poison you?"

Alana flushed and bit her lip.

"No, Master."

"Then, we should not be having this conversation." I said curtly. "And for your information, that potion is perfectly safe and mild. Even small children and pregnant women can use it without worry."

If possible, Alana turned a darker shade of red. I frowned.

"Th-thank you, Master Severus." She said, before turning her back on me. IO wanted to ponder more on that peculiar reaction I got from her, but at that particular moment, the kettle started to whistle and Alana was busy once more with tea. I took my leave.

**0101010140**

(Alana's POV)

My hands were shaking as I poured tea into a lacquered cup. My head was spinning in three different directions all at the same time.

Me? Pregnant?

A baby? No, I could have been mistaken.

'_You did not make a mistake and you know it!'_ A small voice at the back of my head scolded me. Could I have misdiagnosed? Yeah, that's probably it.

'_You cast it twice already, with the same results!'_

'_I'm no good with spells –'_

'_Yeah, try to convince yourself of that!'_

Ugh. I'm losing it. If the two conflicting voices in my head were to be of any indication. I took a seat by the dining table and warmed my hands against the cup of tea I was holding… it was just surreal. I was just barely an adult… and now…

'_No Alana, pull yourself together. You have to get through this!'_

'_You're doomed!'_

'_I'm carrying a new life!'_

'_You'll be dead in a month anyway, who cares?'_

'_I –'_

I bit my lip. Even in my mind, I lost that argument. I took a sip of my chamomile-laced tea. My stomach rumbled in defiance. I then remembered the vial in my pocket. I pulled it out and stared at it.

'_He cares.'_

'_He does not. And even if he does, It doesn't matter. I'm not worth it.'_

'_Yes he does. And who says you aren't worth it?'_

'_He's in love with Lily Evans! He loves her so much that he's willing to trade me like cattle for her!'_

My mental voice sounded much more betrayed than in reality. Hot tears began to fall yet again.

'_He'll change his mind. Tell him about the baby! You're carrying his child, damn it!'_

**His** –child?

'_I –'_

'_It's his and you know it! Who else would it be?'_

'_I'm not even sure if –'_

'_Merlin, Alana. You love the man so much that you refuse to see reason. If he is who you think he is, would he allow harm to come to you or your unborn child?'_

Very slowly…

"No." I felt the words escape my lips. I felt another wave of nausea coming in. I uncorked the vial and downed the contents in one go –it tasted like mint and honey. I felt the effects settle in immediately.

Should I tell him?

Without even realizing it, my left hand found its way towards the flat of my stomach. I have only started to feel sick about two weeks ago. I couldn't be that far along… the baby won't show yet.

A baby?

Would I be able to see this through?

A part of me wanted to just get it over with and tell Master Severus. But another, bigger part of me was overcome with dread.

He was willing to trade my life for Lily –what difference would a bastard of a child make?

I remembered his eyes, the look on his face when he looked at me after he came home last night…

I then remembered his face when he told me…

"_**It will always be Lily, always."**_

I wrapped my arms around me, as if to comfort my unborn child. I have only known for a few hours and I already loved him.

I only have three more weeks to love this little piece of the man who owned me: heart, body and soul.

Tears started to pool around my cup of tea until it had gone cold completely.

**01010101010**

**Reviews are wekcomed!**


	24. Chapter 24: Over At The Lunch Table

**Never Say I Love You**

**P/N: Hey, Darwin here. Nope, your computer is not defective. This is a legit update for eastwoodgirl's story in less than 72 hours since the last one. No, she is not aware that we, her friends, are doing this for her in light of her current situation (she's bedridden, without access to a computer for three weeks now. The poor girl.) Anyway, the last update was done by our other friend Madison (who hates typing; I noticed that she did not introduce herself in the previous chapter. Anyhow she does not do fanfiction… so… I guess that doesn't matter, but we thank her.) Anyway, please continue reviewing. My friend Chesca (eastwoodgirl to you guys) may still not be up to replying to your reviews but she does read them one by one whenever she has time and appreciates them very much. If you have a pressing question though, I'll try my best to answer them for you (I'm quite privy to some behind-the-scenes secrets to some of her works –the perks of being friends with the author.) Enough rambling. Without further ado, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: We do not own anything. **

**Chapter 24: Over at the Lunch Table**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

After I left the Kitchen, I had eventually managed to slip into my room to sleep off the rest of the morning.

By the time I woke up, it was already noon, I presume, as the wonderful smell of lemongrass and butter assaulted my nose. My stomach gave an affirmative growl –when was the last time that I had actually eaten?

I slid out of my bed and discarded the alcohol and sweat-soaked robe I had slept in. I wrapped a towel around my waist and headed for the bathroom. I turned on the shower in the hottest setting that I could take. My mind was spinning around in circles –and it all revolved around one thought, and one thought alone.

Alana.

How can one seemingly ordinary Death Eater raid turn into the biggest mess I have ever encountered?

About half an hour later, I was already wearing my customary black day robes as I headed for the kitchen. Alana had her back against me. She was wearing a sunny yellow mini dress that flared against her hips and went down to her knees. Her hair was hung down in loose waves. I must have been staring at her for so long that I did not notice her turn around and look at me.

"Master Severus," she smiled softly. "I'm glad you could join me for lunch."

At that moment, I had wanted to bolt out and apparate to Merlin knows where and be alone, but one look at those hopeful green eyes crumbled my resolve. I gave her a brief nod and took my customary seat at the dining table. As soon as I did, Alana went right back to putting the finishing touches on what I had eventually found out as pan-roasted chicken and baked tomato pilaf. It smelled heavenly. She then turned around and with her ebony wand, levitated plates of warm food towards the table. I cannot help but feel a tiny bit of pride at her graceful show of magical prowess. The three weeks I had taught her was just a relatively short amount of time and yet, she can already manage to do things around the house with ease using magic.

I took a bite of the chicken and fought the urge to moan. The buttery taste complimented the hint of lemongrass. I closed my eyes briefly –as I let the flavors blanket my tongue. When I had opened them, Alana was looking at me.

"Is it good?" she asked uncertainly.

"Very," I said simply, before I could even think about it. She blushed.

"Thank you."

The rest of lunch passed with considerable silence –until I felt my wards shifting. Then, a knock.

Someone was at the door.

I felt Alana stiffen. I stood up carefully from my seat and drew my wand out. I saw her do the same. I shook my head when she had tried to follow me to the sitting room to answer the door.

"Stay in the kitchen," I told her. She looked like she was going to argue, but she did as I said. I have already strengthened my wards, but we can never be too sure. I approached the door. The incessant knocking had not ceased a bit.

"Who's there?"

"Severus, it's me, the Easter Bunny!" came the cheery reply. I sighed. NO other being, Death Eater or not would use that coded response. I unlocked the front door and without lowering my wand, welcomed the uninvited guest.

"Regulus."

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

From the kitchen door, I peeped to see who the person at the door could be. Since the incident with Avery, I tended to fidget whenever I hear the sound of knocking. Master Severus opened the door and in came a jaunty-looking man with hair as dark as mine and eyes as blue as sapphires. I immediately recognized him as one of the Death Eaters. I cringed but kept my eyes on him. For some reason he seemed pleasant –not like Avery; he was smiling as he clapped Master Severus on the back like they were friends. Master Severus was frowning but I could see that his countenance was otherwise relaxed. My heart calmed down. It seemed that they were indeed friends.

A pair of black and then blue eyes turned to me as I was about to take my seat again in the dining table.

"Alana," Master Severus called. "Do fix another plate for our guest."

I nodded my assent. The man behind him smiled and winked. I felt my cheeks going red. Master Severus cleared his throat loudly. The blue-eyed man laughed.

"Easy Severus, I'm here to steal your food, not your girl."

That was probably the first time I saw my master stumped. His eyes were wide, his lips were moving, but no sound came out of them. I had to admit, he looked kind of funny. I found myself giggling a little at his expression. The blue-eyed man's eyes brightened.

"Geez, Severus, who would have thought you'd find you a woman with a sense of humor." He then turned to me, smiling. "Regulus Black," he held out his hand. I smiled and took it lightly in mine.

"Alana Blueridge, sir."

Regulus shook his head.

"Don't call me sir, we're just about the same age… and besides it makes me feel old."

I nodded and excused myself to get him food. By the time I was already tinkering with cutlery and such, Master Severus seemed to have already recovered himself.

"What really brings you here, Black?" he asked stiffly. Regulus sighed.

"The Dark Lord… he is getting anxious. He is testing loyalties left and right Severus… and I'm –I'm afraid he will find me a little less true to his cause."

From where I was, I could see my master frown and fold his arms across his chest.

"Why not tell your mutt of a brother then? He is within Dumbledore's sphere –he may be able to provide you… sanctuary."

Regulus snorted.

"Sirius? He's prejudiced –as bad as Potter! He –he hates me Severus! He thinks I've gone off the deep end, joining the Dark Lord's ranks. I bet you he'd turn me in to the aurors as soon as I approach him within a 10-mile radius!"

Master Severus looked at him and sighed. He then eyed me and nodded. I approached the table with the requested plate and re-took my seat. Regulus eyed the food appreciatively before digging in.

"Hmm… this good! No wonder Severus has regained all of his baby fat!"

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I leaned back in my seat as I watched the quaint little scene unfold before me.

Brother and sister, although they do not know it.

I hate keeping secrets, but my whole life was anchored on obscurities.

How else do I make it work?

I eyed the impromptu family. To be honest, upon seeing Regulus at the front door, I had wanted to throw him out –but something deep within me made me welcome him into my home to meet his sister, albeit unknowingly.

As I watched Alana laugh at some odd joke Regulus made, I felt my burden lighten. I cut into my chicken pensively.

My friend and my…

My what, exactly?

I tried to push the thought out of my head and turned to the problem at hand instead.

Regulus isn't as loyal to the Dark Lord as it seems. But he isn't loyal to the light either. He is caught in between –much like I was. The only difference is, I had Dumbledore's word to protect my back while I spy for them. Regulus does not have that kind of protection. Not even his brother would give him sanctuary.

I fear for Regulus.

On the other hand… Alana…

Or should I start calling her… Jasmine?

I may have just condemned her life… but I need her to save Lily…

But how? How do I let her perish in a war that she did not belong in?

She's my friend's sister for Merlin's sake!

But Lily –she is the love of my life.

I let my eyes wander towards the woman who haunted my thoughts. Her emerald eyes shone brightly –something I've never seen in a while; Eyes that belonged to…

No, they aren't Lily's anymore.

They were her own.

Alana's.

They were different.

Lily's eyes were fiery, passionate and full of life. She lived a life full of happiness.

Alana's eyes were hardened, determined and jaded. Her whole life was one constant struggle.

Lily chose her life.

Alana did not.

Lily left me.

Alana… she chose to stay. Although forced by circumstances, she did choose me…

"Hey, Severus, you're awfully quiet!" A jovial voice cut through my reveries. I gave Regulus a glare which he acknowledged with barking laughter. Sometimes, the two Black brothers frighteningly sounded alike.

"You'd better invite me for lunch more often, Severus. Alana's cooking is even better than Kreacher's"

I eyed Regulus warily.

Should I tell them?

I looked at Alana… Jasmine.

Should I tell her that I had betrayed her trust? She already thinks I'm feeding her to the wolves by the end of the month… she's smiling at me? Damn, why is she smiling at me? Why isn't she screaming and yelling and begging me not to turn her over to the Dark Lord? Why?

"Severus, are you okay? You look constipated."

I eyed my two companions. Regulus had a concerned look on his face. Alana looked confused.

I sighed inwardly. It's now or never. I looked at Alana one last time before clearing my throat.

"I have to tell you something.

**010101010**

**P/N: Dun! Dun! Dun! Dun! I should tell you… I have already read chapter 25… and I ain't spilling! Will Severus let the cat out of the bag? Only one way to find out! Please review… my little Chesca would feel so much better if you do. Until next time (I would probably be the one updating still… and I won't update until you review! Haha, kidding. I'll update when I can.) –Darwin **

**P.S. PM me. I'm also ****that1BEAUTIFULboy**** here on FFN. I love fan mail. Even if it's not for me :P**


	25. Chapter 25: Not What You Expected

**Never Say I Love You**

**P/N: Thank you for the reviews, says eastwoodgirl… Still me, still typing. Just typing. Just thought you ought to know –Darwin.**

**DISCLAIMER: The author dose not claim to own the characters used in this story. They are just here on borrowed time.**

**Chapter 25: Not What You Expected**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

"I have to tell you something,"

Two pairs of eyes, one emerald, and ne sapphire turned to me instantly. I felt beads of sweat from along my jaw line.

"Master Severus, are you sick?" Alana must've noticed my discomfort. She stood up from her seat and made a move towards me. But before I could wave her off, a deep, searing pain traveled through my left arm. I clutched it and in my peripheral vision, saw Regulus do the same.

The Dark Lord was calling.

I accio-ed my mask as Regulus produced his from his pocket. I saw him give Alana a small nod before heading out. I followed suit.

The Dark Lord surely had an impeccable timing.

As we reached the end of my wards, Regulus and I both touched our marks to bring us where our Master was.

Seconds later, we landed in a familiar clearing in the Forest of Dean. NO words were exchanged between Regulus and I as we approached the gathering. We took our places in the circle with considerable silence.

"Greetings, my loyal servants." The Dark Lord hissed. "As you can see, a number of you are not present… and it will be that way… permanently."

Behind our masks, Regulus and I shared a fleeting glance. The Dark Lord has started purging the disloyal from among our ranks. I shudder to think how he did it, but one thing was certain, it had not been pleasant. I tuned my attention back towards the evil lord.

"Those of you who remain in my service are my most trusted junior Death Eaters. The Dark Lord always rewards loyalty above all."

He then motioned for us to draw nearer.

"I will entrust to you my most valuable heirlooms –to you who no one would suspect. For if I entrust it to my senior followers, they would most likely be pursued and persecuted. I cannot let these all into the wrong hands."

He then proceeded to open an ornate-looking box made of teak. It had a silver lock made of two intertwined snakes which moved when the Dark Lord hissed. The top flipped open and he reached inside, first unearthing a gold cup with a black badger engraved on one side. A few gasps could be heard among the congregation. The Dark Lord smirked.

"Yes, Helga Hufflepuff's… such a beauty, isn't it?" He then turned to the Death Eater to his immediate right. "Bella, be a dear and keep it safe." The hooded female figure, whom I now know as Bellatrix Black –Lestrange cackled madly before prostrating herself before the Dark Lord and kissing the hem of his robes. The parade of items entrusted to junior Death Eaters went in the same manner: Barty Crouch Jr. got the diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw; Lucius Malfoy got, to his embarrassment, a muggle diary (although, of course, he could not voice out his displeasure at this) and Regulus got the locket of Salazar Slytherin (which Malfoy eyed greedily). I noticed the peculiar expression on Regulus' face. The Dark Lord then turned to me.

"And to you, dear Severus…" he began. I bowed.

"Anything you bestow upon me, I will guard with my life, my Lord." The Dark Lord smiled and reached into the box, pulling out a bejeweled ring. The ring was gold with a very large ruby sitting right in the middle. And ornate 'G' was etched carefully on the stone itself. It was-

"Godric Gryffindor's" The evil madman said simply. He held out the ring to me, I was about to reach for it when he pulled it back with a macabre smile.

"This is a special artifact, Severus. Many believed it to have been lost… but here it is, in its glory… and I shall entrust it to you…"

I bowed reverently.

"I thank you, my Lord –"

"…After we have killed the Potters."

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I held my breath as Master Severus and Regulus stormed out of the kitchen and out of the house. That evil madman has called them yet again.

Sometimes, I don't understand why someone would allow themselves to be forced to serve a megalomaniac; but then again, when it came to the Wizarding World, there were still many things that up to now, I did not understand. There were actions, and then, there were reasons –if those made any sense, I guess it did not matter every time.

I let out a deep sigh as I heard the front door shut close. I turned my attention to the three half-full plates on the table and started to clean them up. I used my wand to levitate the plates into the sink. I was about to spell warm, soapy water onto them, when a wave of nausea overtook me. I felt the contents of my stomach trying to force its way out once more. Clutching my revolting midsection, I searched for a vial of the remedy my master had given me earlier in the cabinet above the sink, but there was none. There wasn't any in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom as well. My head was spinning in circles as I tried to even my breathing. There was one place left I haven't checked.

Disregarding his adamant orders not to enter, I pushed the heavy mahogany door to Master Severus' private lab. This did qualify s an emergency, I thought to myself as I surveyed the clean and surprisingly well-lit space. A glass cabinet on the far side of the room held a number of small, multicolored vials –his potions store. I immediately located the one I needed and gulped it down without much further ado. The effects were almost instantaneous. Almost. On my way out, in my rush, I knocked over a desk that was situated in the middle of the room; parchments and quills scattered. I sighed as I reached for my wand to attempt to clean up the mess –And I just had to forget my wand in the kitchen. I bent low to pick up the objects that were scattered across the tiled floor, and as I did, I chanced upon stepping on a rolled up parchment. I pulled it from under my shoe and was just about to ignore it when something caught my eye.

Right on top of the half- unfurled page were three words:

_**PROGENY: ALANA BLUERIDGE**_

My heart raced. I knew I shouldn't. I knew I didn't want to, but…

An unseen force made me pick it up and read.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

After that very confusing meeting with the Dark Lord, Regulus and I parted ways. I could tell that he was much puzzled as I was regarding the artifacts bestowed (or in my case, promised) to us by our evil master. Knowing the younger Black brother though, I know he would rest at nothing to find out the mystery behind the items.

I went home on my own –thereby went my chance to unload the pressing secret I had.

Or so, I thought.

I entered my front door and was immediately accosted by a resounding slap on my face.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

(Earlier that afternoon)

With all the trouble of locating the potion remedy, I threw up anyway.

I ran all the way to the bathroom, clutching not my stomach, but my chest.

I trusted him… he knew… for how long?

Once I have regurgitated the last morsel of my lunch, I felt hot tears spring from my eyes. I grabbed the edge of the porcelain sink t brace myself, but I slid down the floor anyway.

The cold tiled floor was like ice against my bare legs.

I trusted him. How many more times would he betray my trust?

I noticed that I was still holding onto the parchment in my hand. My eyes went towards one mane:

_**Regulus Arcturus Black.**_

How many wizards would carry such a name other than my… brother?

My brother… he was… did he know as well?

My head kept spinning wildly. I honestly did not know what to think anymore. In a span of a few minutes, I lost all that I held on to.

My anonymity.

My identity.

My safe haven.

Hurtful tears quickly turned into angry tears. All I asked for in return was for that one tiny part of me that made me happy.

I was Alana Blueridge, daughter of Edmund and Eloise Blueridge, loving parents who accepted me and took me in –wholeheartedly. Whoever I was before them, whoever shagged to produce me –only to leave me alone to fend for myself –did not mater. I did not need to remember or know them.

I did not need my past.

I did not want my past

Especially not now.

I crumpled the parchment in my hand until it was no more than a small ball of rubbish. No piece of paper can make up for all those years I've suffered the taunting, the pain, the feeling of being incomplete.

I heard the front door open-I did not know how I went from the cold, tiled bathroom floor to the hardwood of the sitting room; the last thing I remembered was seeing master Severus' face. And before I knew it, my hand connected with his left cheek with a loud slap.

The look on his face turned from confusion to surprise.

"Alana," he growled, half- asking, half-commanding, "What is the meaning of this?"

I wanted to tell him… God, how I wanted to tell him how much he has hurt me –but I could not get my lips to form the right words. I stood there in front of him, the man I had learned to love and trust above all, and let out an anguished wail. I felt my knees giving way, and seconds later, I felt my body collapse –not on the hardwood floor, but in the sturdy arms of one Severus Snape. I felt his grip on me as he called my name once more –this time though, with a gentler tone.

"Alana," his lips moved right by my ear. I fought hard to release myself from his embrace, but everything just felt too heavy at that moment.

"What happened?" I heard him say. I wanted to tell him, to scream, to yell at him… but the only words that came out of my lips were:

"I trusted you, why?"

The last thing I felt was Master Severus stiffening at my half-whispered words, before the pain and the anguish to over, and I knew no more.

**0101010101**

**P/N: Just in from Eastwoodgirl: This story will contain a total of 29 chapters. Yep guys and gals, this story will be finished after four more updates! Isn't that exciting? I, for one, can't wait to see what happens… that and the rumors of a sequel. *Squeal!***

**So, let us know what you think of this chapter in the mean time –Until the next update –Darwin.**


	26. Chapter 26: Finding Out

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Thank you for reading this far along. This story is winding down to an end (4****th**** to the last chapter! Can you believe it?) Thank you for all the reviews, favorites and alerts. They mean a lot to me. Enjoy this "wordy" chapter.**

**DISCLAIMER: See previous chapters.**

**SOUNDTRACK: Paradise By The Dashboard Light – Meatloaf (no connection, none at all ^_^) Love Of My Life –Queen and Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin**

**Chapter 26: Finding Out**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

The shock of being slapped quickly wore off as Alana fell slack against my arms.

I could not forget the look of betrayal on her face and the bitterness of her voice as she collapsed against my chest. Her eyes were closed, but I could still see the pain etched in her features –all I could ask myself was 'why?'

I immediately carried her in my arms; I planned on depositing her unconscious form on the sofa, but I quickly decided against it –I headed for her rooms.

The space that greeted me was clean and well-lit. It seemed that Alana had been busy with her wand. The former ceil-colored walls now sported a warm cream paint; the linens were turned from Slytherin green that they originally were to a crisp white; and the dark mahogany furniture were transformed to a lighter, more inviting pine.

I gently placed her in the middle of the made up bed and surveyed the place further. It looked warm and lived-in: books were strewn on the handsome roll-top desk, as did pieces of paper and a number of different art supplies; the armoire that stood beside it was partly open, allowing me a peak into a neat row of hung clothes; a covered easel stood in one corner, surrounded by tubes of paint and a number of differently sized brushes.

I sighed as I looked back at Alana. She was breathing evenly and did not seem to be in any immediate danger. I was about to take my leave when I noticed something. One of Alana's hands clutched what seemed to be a crumpled piece of parchment –I pried her fingers gently and eased it out.

That was when it all made sense: her face, her words, the slap on my face.

I pocketed the offending piece of paper. I should have burned it when I had the chance. But I did not, and now, I have caused Alana immense pain. I knew that there was a reason she did not want to find out more about her past –but the damage has been done. It wasn't my idealized way for her to find out but…

Now, what to do about it? How do I tell Regulus? Would Alana even want Regulus to find out?

So many questions… but the answers remained elusive.

I chanced another glance at Alana and immediately I was drawn to her face –a flashback wormed its way to my consciousness –of that night I found her inches away from death, and that sweet memory of the morning after, when I woke up next to her warmth. That moment, as I stared at her face, I realized how deep this woman has touched my being.

And as if drawn by an invisible force, I found myself touching her flushed cheeks with my calloused fingers. Her skin felt like silk against my rough skin; I then found myself giving the same attention to her plump, red lips before… pressing my own thin and pale ones against it; It was velvet-like as I had expected.

But what I did not expect was for those soft lips to kiss me back.

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

It was a warm and inviting pressure on my lips –and my first instinct had been to respond to it as consciousness began to seep in through me again. I did not know what compelled me to do so, but at that time, it felt just right.

But realization soon had to dawn on me.

I bolted right up and found myself face to face with the surprised and flushed face of Master Severus.

Master Severus.

Pain suddenly started to hit me like a Mack truck.

My lips started to move soundlessly. What was I supposed to say?

But Master Severus saved me the trouble of figuring it out.

"Alana, I'm… sorry." His obsidian eyes bore holes into mine as he uttered those three words.

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I watched her face tense up when she saw me upon waking up, a number of emotions washing over her countenance.

I did not know what to say. Do I confront her? Do I comfort her?

In the end, I let my lips utter the only words that I was able to manage at that point.

"Alana, I'm sorry."

I then watched her face go from tensed, to surprised, to blanked out. I sighed. There was nothing else I could offer to her at that moment. I stood up to leave. I reached for the doorknob to let myself out of the room.

"Why?"

I blinked as I slowly turned towards the soft, broken voice. Alana sat on the bed, staring not at me, but blankly ahead. Her posture never looked more defeated. I walked back towards her, not once taking my eyes off of her.

"Why?"

I waited for her to add more to that seemingly vague question: Why did I take her in? Why did I betray her? Why did I think I could get away with playing God with her life?

But a few more seconds of silence told me that she would never voice those thoughts out. I sat right next to her, and with trembling hands, I held her chin ever so gently.

"Look at me, Alana."

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I found myself turning to face the man.

Master Severus' onyx eyes danced with something I could not exactly put my finger on.

Concern? Pity? Guilt? It was too hard to discern. I continued to stare at his eyes, in hopes that by doing so, I would come to figure out this man who held my heart in his hands.

AS those seconds ticked slowly, I found myself flashing back to the first moment that my eyes met his, as I lay on that table, the night my parents died; the night he became my savior. But unlike then, there were no memories, no scenes from my past that flashed through my head.

All I saw were his eyes –as dark as the starless night sky. I have always been drawn to those dark, glittering gems, almost… hypnotized. I then felt heat creep up my cheeks as those seconds turned into minutes –and those obsidian eyes orbs seemingly began to swell and fill up my field of vision.

"Alana, I'm sorry."

It was just those three words again, but this time, there were those unspoken thoughts. I found the last shards of ice in my heart melt away. I then realized what those obsidian eyes were carrying in their depths.

Remorse.

This man, right in front of me, was the man I had come to trust –who betrayed me –and with three simple words, had just won that trust back again.

Beside myself, I felt my lips curve into a small smile, yet, a smile nonetheless. Master Severus looked at me as my mouth formed the words:

"I don't know how or why, but I trust you with my life."

Master Severus closed his eyes briefly and sighed.

"I guess I'd never know why, but… thank you." I whispered. He opened his eyes and stared at me with surprise evident in his eyes. He looked like he had wanted to say something but he kept his lips shut.

"For.. finding out the truth, for letting me see… my brother," I volunteered, answering his unasked question. His eyes widened minutely before resuming its schooled passiveness. Suddenly, I found myself being flooded by words I never thought I would utter in my entire life:

"I never wanted to find out… because I never wanted to feel that way again… empty. All those years, I never knew my real father, I felt a sense of security, of anonymity. I thought that if I never found out then I wouldn't get hurt… I wouldn't feel the rejection I was so desperately trying to run away from. Because that was all I was all my life, a reject. The only time I felt loved was with my adoptive parents; otherwise, I just wasn't good enough; not for my real father, not for my real mother, not for the first boy I've ever loved, not for those kids at the orphanage…. Not even for you."

I saw Master Severus attempt to say something, but a bold move from me discouraged him. I put a finger against his lips.

"I'm sorry for hitting you. I was overcame with my emotions." I touched the part of his face where my hand connected with earlier –it was starting to swell and redden. Master Severus gave a non-committal grunt but his eyes spoke in a different manner, as if trying to tell me that he deserved it anyway. I heaved a heavy sigh.

"I know what I am facing by the end of this month," I said softly, taking my hand but not my eyes off of his face. I saw him stiffen. I gave him a comforting smile.

"I –I have nothing more to live for. You –you deserve to be happy. You're a good man."

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

I did not know whether to kiss or strangle the woman that sat in front of me.

There was that smile that graced her beautiful face –it was enough to drive all the pain in the world away. But those lovely emerald eyes –once shinning, burning, living –were back to their cold, hollow depths. I have never felt so torn and frustrated in my entire.

"_**I have nothing more to live for."**_

I clenched my fists. Nobody should feel that way? What –what have I done?

"_**You deserve to be happy," **_

She said it as if **she** did not deserve it.

I have had enough. I have to put a stop to this.

Screw the consequences.

I stood up abruptly from my position on the bed and charged all the way to the library without so much of another word. I grabbed a handful of floo powder from the jar on top of the mantel piece and threw it purposefully into the dying embers in the grate. The flames rose up, forming an emerald curtain of fire. I went down on my knees and called:

"Black Manor, Regulus Black, blood loyalty,"

A face came into view.

"Severus?" What, you've missed me already?"

"Regulus, we need to talk."

Regulus frowned for a bit before speaking once more.

"Sounds serious, what's it about?"

I swallowed. This was the last hurdle. After this, there was no turning back. I turned my attention back to my friend.

"Go –go into hiding. Go to France –or even Germany –where the Dark Lord has no connections yet. If you aren't loyal to him, he'll find out eventually. Go before he discovers your true loyalties –"

Regulus looked dumbfounded.

"Severus? Why are you suggesting this all of a sudden? I thought you said that the Dark Lord –why are you asking me to hide now? Is there something you're not telling me?"

Bingo, Regulus. You were really the smarter Black brother.

I took a deep breath before continuing on.

"Reg, you're my friend. I –I need to keep you safe –"

"I'm no damsel, Severus. I won't go into hiding. I will fight the Dark Lord alongside you. I may already even have figured out his weakness. You see, those artifacts –"

"Regulus, let me finish, okay?" I sighed frustratedly. "I'm not saying that you can't handle the life I'm living as a double agent, but there is… something I need you to keep safe."

Regulus furrowed his brows.

"Not another priceless heirloom?"

I snorted.

"Hardly –well, not an heirloom… but an heir –an heiress."

The man in the flames looked more puzzled than ever.

"Just spit it out, Snape."

I stared into my friend's brilliant Sapphire eyes.

"Go into hiding –with your sister."

"WHAT –are you pulling my leg. Snape? What **sister** are you talking about?"

I sighed.

"No, Black. Hide –far away from this war, bring… Alana with you."

"ALANA? What does she have to –do –with –Merlin!" Regulus' mouth was agape. "SNAPE! Are you saying –"

I nodded solemnly.

"Yes."

**010101010**

**A/N: I'd love to hear from you. Please review :) -Chesca**


	27. Chapter 27:Extra Precautionary Measure

**Never Say I Love You**

**Chapter 27: An Extra-Precautionary Measure**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

In a rare connection, I found myself allowing access through my floo to my friend and almost brother. Regulus stepped out of the glowing embers with the grace befitting a pureblood. He then brushed the dust off of his robes before turning to me… with a cold glare.

"You'd better not be kidding me, Snape."

I held my head up high against his accusing tone.

"I am not."

Regulus sighed.

"When –how long have you known? When the Dark Lord gave her to you –"

"No, I did not… I did not even think about it –not until you mentioned that she looked like your brother –"

"But –"

"Here –" I tossed my blue-eyed friend the crumpled piece of paper I recovered from Alana earlier. I let him take it all in for a few seconds as I sat down on the couch nearest the fire place. Regulus took the one opposite me –his face was a picture of utter confusion.

"Bloody –"

I sighed.

"I also cannot believe it at first,"

"Why you –" Regulus' voice took a sudden dangerous tone. I looked up at him to see why, but my vision was suddenly met by a fist. I fell backwards on the couch with the impact. I think I broke my nose –it certainly felt tender to the touch. I tried to stand up, but I was immediately accosted by another punch.

"Merlin, Regulus, what I Circe's name is wrong with you?" I yelled behind my hand, which I used to cover my already swollen and bleeding face.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU BLOODY BASTRAD, SNAPE! How DARE you –my little sister! You're lucky I don't have my wand or I'd be cursing your balls off!" Regulus screamed as he tried to hit me again. Only my fast Death Eater trained reflexes saved me. I managed to roll out of his way and step behind the couch to put considerable distance between him and me. I chanced a glance at the young Black; his eyes were burning with rage.

"Would you bloody tell me what is wrong first, before I allow you to pummel me to death?"

"Don't you** dare** take that tone on me, Snape! It's no excuse that you did not know –it is just no **fucking** excuse! She's my bloody sister! I know the Dark Lord told you to –but you did not have to lay your bloody dirty paws on her!" Regulus made a leap to grab me, which I avoided by pushing the cuch towards him.

"What are you going on about, Black?"

Regulus grabbed the parchment I gave him which he had apparently dropped on the floor. He thrust it angrily towards me.

"EXPLAIN –this **fucking** **name** –to me, then!"

I was confused. What name is he going on about? I took the parchment and scanned it for any unusual name that Regulus may have been referring to. A few seconds later, I felt my heart constrict and my stomach drop. Right there, at the bottom of the page, I found my answer:

_**Offspring(s):**_

_**-Baby (boy) Black-Snape**_

"Merlin."

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

It did not surprise me that Master Severus chose to walk out after what I had said.

What did surprise me were the angry voices that I heard a few minutes later.

I stepped out of the comforts of my room and rushed towards where the commotion was coming from: the library. I leaned against the mahogany door and pressed my ear lightly on it.

"_**Don't you dare take that tone on me, Snape!"**_

I frowned. That sounded like Regulus. Surely, Master Severus couldn't have already…

"_**What are you going on about, Black?"**_

Master Severus yelled back, then a pause…

"_**Explain this fucking name to me then!"**_

Another pause, longer this time. Then, barely a whisper…

"_**Merlin."**_

"_**That's all you can say, Snape? You hurt her, you dirty her with your spawn and now, you dump her on me? I know you were a bloody bastard –but this is too low, even for YOUR standards! You'd better wish me dead before I get my hands on you and kill you!"**_

There was a scuffle –sounds of what seemed like books falling on the floor and furniture overturned. Then, a strangled scream.

"_**I –I did not know!"**_

Oh my god. They were really killing each other. I pushed the door open with all my might.

"No, don't!"

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

Regulus had his hands wrapped around my neck, slowly wringing my very life out of my body –and all I could think of was Alana.

She –was –pregnant? With my child? Did she know?

I then remembered her tone as she resigned herself to her fate of being a sacrificial lamb to save the woman I loved.

"_**I have nothing more to live for,"**_

She could not have known, could she? Did she deem a child not worth living for? Did she think I would allow harm to come to…

My mind went back to earlier that morning, how she refused my offer to scan for her illness as I gave her that remedy for her nausea… she had to ask… I had to tell her it was safe for…

Merlin. She knew. She knew and she did not tell me! She was willing to die with that child… **our** child in her womb for Lily… What –how –but….

I could feel bruises starting to form around my neck as Regulus tightened his grip –but I couldn't care any less. All that was going through my head was how blind I had been – I could have ended up murdering a helpless woman and an innocent child – my own flesh and blood.

And then, it hit me.

I cannot bloody well let my friend become a murderer and leave my child a bastard.

Suddenly, I had the urge to live.

I tried to pry Regulus' hands off of me.

"Reg – Merlin! I –I did not know!"

I knew it was no excuse, but maybe it would egg Regulus to let me at least explain myself before he strangled me to death. But he did not seem to be buying it and was intent on killing me for knocking up his recently discovered sister.

"How could you **not** KNOW, Snape? Could you not read?"

I could feel my neck muscles start to cave in when the library door flew open.

"No, don't!"

Regulus halted in his crusade to rid the world of me. He looked at the door; his expression was like that of a deer caught in muggle headlights.

"J-Jasmine," he whispered, almost reverently, staring at the woman who stood by the door. I turned to face towards his line of sight in time to see Alana stiffen at the unfamiliar address her brother used.

"P-please… Re-Regulus, don't call me…"

But before she could finish what she was saying, the blue-eyed man had already engulfed her in a hug.

"Merlin, Alana… I –we did not know. Father –"

Alana pulled away from the hug. She stared Regulus in the eye and said firmly:

"Please. I don't want to see –him."

Regulus looked confused for a moment but he nodded eventually.

"I understand –it –it would not be safe… but we must tell Sirius –our eldest brother; he and I don't see eye to eye, but he would love to get to know you –" Then Regulus turned to me. "And he would surely **love** to help me get rid of this **vermin** who violated you!"

I flinched at the accusation. He was not wrong. I **did** violate her. I took advantage of her and now…

"No, please –he's saved me," Alana said softly, catching my eye. "Please don't hurt him, I –I –"

"He's violated you! He struck a deal with the Dark Lord –" Regulus suddenly paled as he was hit by a horrible realization. He then rounded on me with a murderous look on his face.

"SNAPE! There is NO WAY in HELL that you are trading my baby sister for that mud –girl Evans, you hear me? NO FUCKING WAY!" The younger Black brother was poised to pound on me again, but Alana held him back.

"Regulus, please, it's okay…" Alana said timidly.

"NO!" I found myself and Regulus shout at the same time. We caught each other's eye before Regulus turned to his sister.

"Alana, how0 how could you say that? What did Snape tell you –"

"He didn't say anything," Alana amended before glancing at me, then back at Regulus. "I –"

Regulus had had enough, it seemed.

"That's fine. But you are coming with me, Alana –"

"NO!" This time, it was Alana and I who spoke at the same time. I do not know what overcame me, but suddenly, I could not bear to part with her. I was about to tell Regulus that, but Alana beat me to the punch.

"You've just known me, Regulus. I appreciate your concern –but I've lived my life on my own –practically alone, for most of it. You can't just come in now and decide that you want something to do with me!"

Regulus flushed.

"Alana –Jasmine –"

"Don't –call –me –that! I **am** Alana Blueridge. I'll never be Jasmine Black! Never! Look, I don't blame you, but please, no, thank you, Regulus." Alana said heatedly. "I will stay here –"

Regulus looked incredulous.

"With –with this man? Alana, he will get you killed!"

"I don't care okay?" Alana said, biting back tears. "I –I –" The rest of her words turned into hacking sobs. I felt the urge to suddenly hold her in my arms, but Regulus blocked my path.

"Is it about the baby?"

**010101010**

(Alana's POV)

I felt my heart stop completely.

I looked up at Regulus, then, at Master Severus.

They knew. They both knew –Master Severus included.

"I –I –"

Regulus looked like he was about to come near me, but he decided against it. He turned to Master Severus.

"I should kill you… but you are –were –my friend, Severus Snape, the –father of my sister's unborn child. I will make you pay, but not right now… There are more pressing matters… How do **you** intend to resolve **this**?"

I saw master Severus' face contort into a look of discomfort. He looked at me… Was it pity? Disappointment? Longing?

"I- stand by what we have –discussed, Regulus," he said. "With an extra-precautionary measure added."

What were they talking about? I saw –my brother give Master Severus a calculating look before turning to me and nodding back at his friend.

"You may be a bastard, Snape –but you've made a wise decision."

Now, I was really confused. But before I could even ask them what the matter was, I saw Regulus take a step back, allowing Master Severus to move closer to me. And with tenderness I have never witnessed, he held my hands.

"Alana, I want you to know that you never deserved any of the bitterness fate has thrown upon you –and that I –am sorry from the bottom of my heart to have added to your pain," he moved closer. "What I did was wrong, what I had planned to do with you before, was wrong. I was not wanting happiness –I was being downright selfish. I –apologize for betraying your trust." He then took the palm of his hand and placed it on the flat of my stomach. "I have never imagined that I would be able to –create something wonderful… I have you to thank for that. Keep my son safe, no matter what. Keep him away from this war, from the Dark Lord –from me."

"Master –" I began, but he stopped me.

"Please… call me Severus." He said, almost pleadingly.

"Severus," I amended. "Please tell me what's going on –"

I never finished the rest of my words as I then found myself at the end of his ebony wand, blue light rushing towards me.

"I'm so sorry Alana, OBLIVIATE!"

**010101010**

**A/N: I will not offer an explanation for my not so long absence other than the fact that I've recently lost somebody very dear to me. It did not put a hamper on my writing –quite contrary actually, I've been productive –but it did put a damper on my desire to update. **

**Now, who saw that coming? Did you like that twist? Tell me all about it. This story is done but if you think you have it all figured out, think again. The next chapter will still contain one last hurrah. After that, the epilogue… then on to the sequel!**

**Also, I need people to bounce-off an idea. I have a new Snarry story, tentatively titled "The Last Prince" with 17 chapters out of the planned 30 written. It's another ATW (after the war) story, M rated (just because of one scene, mind you), MPREG mentioned, Romance/Mystery/Adventure… I sort of need a Beta, but I have ****no time**** to actually send out the typed up story, so I need a "remote" Beta, you know, just to ask questions and stuff. Let me know if you're interested. -Chesca**


	28. Chapter 28: A Favor for a Friend

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Officially, this is the last chapter. So I'll put this on Complete after I upload… but you must know that there is an Epilogue, which I may or may not upload today. But it will be up, never fear. The first chapter of the Sequel is done as well, but you might not be seeing that anytime soon. I intend to finish at least half of it before I start posting. Without further ado, I present to you, the final chapter of our convoluted tale of love, acceptance and redemption (yeah, that was what this is all about, what were you thinking? *wink).**

**Chapter 28: A Favor for a Friend**

**010101010**

(Severus' POV)

Blue light rushed from the tip of my wand towards Alana. She fell backwards from the impact, but Regulus caught her just in time. My hands shook. Regulus situated Alana's unconscious form on the couch before turning to me. His features were less harsh now.

"You did the right thing, you know?"

I sighed.

"I –care –for her, Regulus."

The blue-eyed ma smiled slightly.

"I knew that. That day at the Leaky… you should have seen your face as you spoke of her, Severus. You don't just care for her. You** love** her."

I gave Regulus a puzzled look before letting out a deep breath.

"I –I do."

I had finally admitted it to myself, out loud. I glanced at Alana. She looked so peaceful. I turned to Regulus.

"You could kill me now."

The man looked at me, seemingly amused. He shook his head.

"You know I can never do that, Severus. I may have never told you, but –you are more of a brother to me than Sirius ever was, and –" he too looked at Alana. "She never managed to say it, but I can see it in her eyes. For some reason, you make her –happy."

"I have hurt her," I let out another deep sigh. "I can get her killed." I toyed with the wand I was holding. "Keep her safe, Reg. Keep her and my son safe."

"You know I will," Regulus said. A pregnant pause came on as Regulus inspected his, now sleeping, sister's face. The Obliviate I used on Alana should keep her out for at least a day, while her mind sorted out her memories. Regulus was speaking quietly.

"She really does look like Siri."

I snorted.

"I don't see any resemblance at all."

Regulus managed a smile.

"Siri **will** kill you if he knew… But I don't think I could tell him – Just how much did you modify of her memory?"

"Anything and everything about me and in turn, about the Dark Lord, she will not remember. She will know of her past –but she will think that you have accidentally found her in a half-way house for muggle women." I said, massaging my neck. "She will believe this –permanently, or at least, until the caster removes the block willingly. Not even my death will lift the spell. You will need to come up with a way to explain her pregnancy… tell her –tell her it was a potions accident."

Regulus eyed me warily.

"I know I threatened you for touching my sister, Severus. But –you could still change your mind about the war –"

"I still have a role to play, Regulus." I reminded him. "I started this final stretch, I made the damned prophecy known –I shall see it to the end." I eyed Alana once more. "It will be better this way… and by the way, you had every right to threaten my person. I would do the same thing if I were in your shoes."

Regulus nodded absent-mindedly.

"I guess I should start preparing to go abroad then," he stood up from his seat next to Alana and walked towards me. He placed a hand on my shoulder. "I may hate your guts for corrupting my sister, but we're still friends, you know,"

I nodded. Regulus sighed.

"After the war –you can give her back her memories of you –"

"We both know that after the war, I wouldn't exactly be around to do that,"

"Severus –"

I shook my head.

"I do not expect to live after all of this, Regulus –and it may be for the better, that way. But this is the path we chose when we took the Mark. The only difference between us is that you have something to live for, now that you have Alana –"

"And you don't?" Regulus asked, incredulously. "Severus, martyrs aren't Slytherins –they're bloody Gryffindors –"

"I was almost a Gryffindor, you know?" I smiled. Regulus' mouth was agape.

"You're –come on! You're pulling my leg!"

"No. My first best friend was sorted in Gryffindor."

"Evans," Regulus put in. I nodded.

"I tried arguing with the Sorting Hat to put me there –almost did, actually."

"You did –WHAT?" Regulus exclaimed. "Well, how **did** you end up with us Snakes then?"

I sighed.

"In the end, the Hat told me that Red really wasn't my color. 'Said that I'd look like I have the Flu all the time and that I'd look better in Green and Silver. Apparently those two do not make my skin look so pale."

"Wow," Regulus breathed. "Does my brother even know this –that you could have been a Lion?"

"He'd off himself if he did."

"Then the more you should tell him."

"I think Lily already did –he did not believe her. 'Called me a pretentious slithering git –maybe the first time in existence that your brother had ever used a word that was more than two syllables too."

Regulus' face fell.

"What about Evans, Severus? I –you –love her still?" I looked him in the eye; His question brought me back t reality.

"I –"

I honestly did not know how to answer that one, not right now. In the end, I decided to just let it out.

"She –will always be –special to me, always."

Regulus sighed/

"Look, Severus –I wish I could do something to help you save her life… but you **won't** get Alana –"

"Reg, I'd never do that even if I can. I had no right playing God with other people's lives –that would just make me a shade lighter than the Dark Lord. I –I will find a way… I have warned Dumbledore. He would keep them safe." Regulus looked like he was about to argue but he kept it to himself instead.

"In that case then, we'll take our leave." He moved to lift Alana in his arms, but I stopped him.

"Her things, you should get them first."

Regulus looked pensive for a moment before nodding. I led him towards Alana's room. I did not come in with him and just contented myself with watching him shrink everything and place it in his pockets. As he did, my heart grew heavier every passing minute –And when he was finally done, it was beating almost to a stop.

"Anything else?" Regulus asked, lastly pocketing Alana's own ebony wand –the twin to my own –in his robes.

I shook my head and used my wand to close the door to Alana's room and locked it sealed. I would never open that door again. I led my friend back to the library. I was so caught up with my emotions that I did not notice Regulus giving me a concerned look.

"Alright Severus?"

""Huh? Yeah," I said half-heartedly. Regulus did not look convinced.

"It will be difficult Severus, you have to acknowledge that."

"I am used to things being difficult. My mind is just swirling with a whole gamut of discoveries and realizations. I am still not used to the idea of –of having a son… You know me, Reg. I am a loner. I do not do well with relationships. Now, I have a son, my own flesh and blood –and I cannot even give him the life he deserves! Merlin, I would not even be there when he's born –when he grows up! I never expected to be a father –I never dreamed… But now –I just wish things were different."

"Are you having second thoughts about sending Alana away? Because if you are –"

"What? No." I assured him. "I just –it will be difficult knowing –but this is the right thing to do. I want them safe and away from this war. Even if that means that I do not get to see them. I have done a lot of mistakes in my life –I will not mess this one up. Take them. Only you could do it, only you I could trust. Give them what I cannot."

I found myself in tears after that, there, by the library door, I found myself giving in to the flood of emotions I did not know I had until that very moment –faced with the toughest choice I ever made in my life.

I remembered my last dream –this was it. I let go of Lily, of my past –and embraced the uncertainty of the future.

I chose Alana and our child. I felt Regulus wrap his arms around me.

"It will be better, Severus," he said. "You did the right thing –and it will all be over soon."

"How so?" I asked, my voice cracking. "I do not know –Everything is so fucked up, Regulus! Do I not deserve to be happy? Do I –It should have not happened this way!" I pulled away from him as I buried my face in my hands. Silence. Then,

"No, It did not happen."

I looked up to find an explanation to what Regulus had just said, but instead of an answer, I found myself on the end of a wand –Alana's own in her brother's hands. Regulus' hands shook as he spoke.

"I'm sorry Severus, but this is for your own good."

Of what good that was, I never found out. As the last word that came from my friends lips sealed that memory away in the farthest corner of my mind.

"OBLIVIATE!"

Then all was blue. Then black.

Darkness consumed me.

**0101010101**

**A/N: Now, who saw that one coming? Tell me your thoughts. In the mean time, I'll be working on getting the Epilogue out. Thanks for reading and reviewing! -C.**


	29. EPILOGUE

**Never Say I Love You**

**A/N: Ahh… the Epilogue. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has supported this story. It means a lot to me if you could take the time to review this last chapter. Tell me your thoughts about the whole thing… what I could improve on… what you would like to see in the sequel or in my other stories… that sort of thing. It has been a blast writing for you all. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. **

**And for the last time, I give you the concluding chapter of Never Say I Love You –Chesca.**

**EPILOGUE**

**010101010**

_June 30, 1982 Marseilles France_

A young woman with long raven hair and bright green eyes lay comfortably on a large bed. She was propped half-way up by at least half a dozen of goose down pillows. She gritted her teeth as another wave of pain washed over her. An attendant clad in pale pink robes approached her.

"Madam," the attendant began in a heavily accented English. "Are ze contractons more free-quent?"

The young woman could only nod. Yes they were more frequent, and yes, they were more painful.

"Very vell zen, I shall call for ze heeler."

"Please –" the young woman managed to get out. "I need my brother too. He was also caught in the blast like I was, but we got separated. I need to know if he's okay as well,"

The attendant nodded.

"Hees name?"

"Rigel de Noir,"

"Very vell. I zhall ask for Monsieur de Noir,"

"Th-thank you,"

A few minutes later, the aide came back with the healer, who was clad in the palest blue. She had red hair and very deep brown eyes that was almost black. She spoke to the young woman kindly.

"Dear, you are about to give birth." The healer began in perfect British accent. "I need you to give me a push –a big one –the next time you feel a contraction, okay?"

"Where is my brother? I need him, please."

The healer and the attendant exchanged meaningful looks.

"Ze police, zey ar steel looking for im," the attendant said.

"But –"

The rest of the young woman's words turned into a full-blown scream as she felt the most painful sensation she had ever felt in her entire life. The healer was back again in her element."

"Alright, deary. I need you to push the next time you feel the same pressure –"

About half an hour later, soft cries began to fill the air.

"A perfect little boy," the healer gushed, bringing a blue bundle right next to the now exhausted young mother. "What shall you name him?"

The new mother thought for a while as she eyed her tiny miracle in her arms. The baby had soft black hair that fell in gentle waves, framing his angelic face, thick lashes, a rather prominent but aristocratic-looking nose, and thin, but fiery red lips. She would have to wait and see if he would get her emerald eyes, or her brother's sapphire ones. The young woman smiled. Her little angel might have been a product of a potions experiment gone wrong, but she knew in her heart that she would love him to the ends of the earth. She planted a soft kiss on his forehead. The baby in her arms stirred.

"Hello, my little prince," the young woman cooed. "Now, what shall I name you? My brother, your Uncle Rigel, says our family follows a tradition of naming children after stars and constellations. But I couldn't name you Nebula now, can I?" The baby fidgeted as if saying he was totally against it. The young woman chuckled.

"There, there. Of course not, my little prince." She then sighed. "Well, what if I name you after an angel? You are mine, after all." The baby cooed as if giving approval. The young woman smiled.

"I think it is time to break tradition, right Seraphim – Seraph?"

The baby cooed contentedly. The young mother turned then, to the healer.

"This is Seraphim Michel de Noir,"

**010101010**

_Scotland_

Albus Dumbledore sat in his desk. Beside him stood the perch of his magnificent Phoenix, Fawkes. The magical bird was resting at the moment, as his master finished penning a reply to one of his colleagues abroad. As he sealed the flap of the envelope, the door to his office opened, permitting a tall man with soft black hair that fell in gentle waves, framing his pale face and prominent nose, and eyes that were as dark as a starless night sky.

"You wished to see me headmaster?" The man's deep baritone asked.

"Severus, please, call me Albus. Have a seat. Lemon drop? Tea?"

Severus shook his head.

"No, thank you, head- Albus. I was merely here to know what you require of me,"

Albus smiled.

"Always direct to the point, aren't we, my boy? Well, I shall not waste any more of your time… I believe you have heard of the bombing in Marseilles, South of France?"

Severus looked curious as he nodded.

"The muggles deem in to a terrorist bombing, sir."

Albus eyes twinkled.

"Ah, but of course, we know better, my boy. A breakaway group of Death Eaters managed to infiltrate France through their ports. We need to figure out their motives now that Voldemort has been rendered incapacitated, who and how many they are."

Severus nodded.

"I shall see to it, headmaster. Will that be all?"

Albus nodded.

"Yes. We are forever in your debt, Severus. By the way, are the dungeons to your liking? We can always move your quarters above ground if –"

"No sir, they are adequate. Thank you."

"Very well," Albus gave him a cheery nod. "I shall –"

But before Albus could finish his goodbyes, Fawkes let out a soft trill as one of the many heavy tomes the headmaster had in his office fell out of its shelf. Severus, with his quick reflexes caught it in his hands and carefully set it on the headmaster's desk.

"Ah, thank you, Severus. I keep on forgetting not to put that up in such a high shelf. In fact, I should just leave it on my desk. At that rate it is going, this book should be falling off of the shelves more often within the next few months."

"What is that book, sir?" Severus asked curiously.

"This, my dear boy, is the Book of Magical Heritage. Every magical child born that is destined for Hogwarts gets their name in here. And Fawkes, being the lovely dear that he is, had just alerted me that another child's name has been added here –the book falls off of the shelf to get my attention –it has been charmed by the Founders themselves –ah, here we go," Albus said as he flipped through the pages. "Oh, will you look at that –French. What a coincidence." He then turned the book towards Severus who read the glittering name, done in gold."

"Seraphim Michel de Noir,"

Albus sighed.

"It seems like little Mr. de Noir had been born at the same time as the occurrence of the bombings, the poor dear. I do hope his parents are well."

Severus stared at the name, finding himself unable to take his eyes off of the letters. The child was born today, eight months after the defeat of the Dark Lord –when little Harry Potter stopped the megalomaniac after the evil wizard had killed the little boy's parents. Severus still felt a pang of hurt cross his heart when he remembered that fateful day. The ex-Death Eater turned spy and now, Hogwarts Potions Master extended a finger, and with it, traced the golden letters absent-mindedly.

"I hope –that you are right, headmaster. I hope that you are."

******FIN******

(for now :D)

**010101010**

**A/N: *Sniff, sniff* Again, I thank you all. Please feel free to leave a review. I need it now, more than ever if I am to give you a sequel worth waiting for! :D I do not care how long after this has been published, that you give them to me, I will still read and treasure them. In the mean time, please continue to support me and my other stories! -Chesca**


	30. Chapter 30: SEQUEL ALERT!

SEQUEL NEVER FORGET IS UP!

Please Read and Review!

Thanks a lot!

_Chesca_


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